Was it THAT bad? | Imamother

simchat

Thu, Sep 24 2015, 7:28 am

It`s funny how often people say to me `it`s not so bad, stop panicking.` Well the reason I panic every single year, starting weeks or even months before yk is because of EXPERIENCE. Since I`ve had kids, I do not fast well. No, that`s an understatement: it`s torture for me. Even when not pregnant or bf. And this year, being 22+ weeks pregnant, I had an extra reason to be panicky.

Starting from about 2 or 3 hours after the fast started, I was DRY. My lips hurt, my throat hurt... Then the hunger kicked in... When I`m pregnant, I literally need to eat a biiig meal every 2-3 hours. When not pregnant, I still get hungry very easily... I dunno, maybe it`s my metabolism...

I can`t go to sleep early, never could or else I`ll be up at an insane time in the wee hours of the morning. I never understood all those people who say they daven kil nidrei and go to bed - the fast came in at 6.30! If I wasn`t literally falling asleep by the time I got to bed, I`d be tossing and turning fighting the thirst and hunger pangs. As it is, I always wake up multiple times during a fast night to go to the bathroom (`drink drink drink! It`ll really help!...`) and also bc I am so darned dried out, I`m uncomfortable!

By the morning, Im already weak and shaky and headachy. I never understand all those women posting on here how they went to shul, or even at home `I davened mussaf, and sang the main parts with my children` or `neilah can be just as uplifting when davened at home, surrounded by my sweet innocent children...` Huh? I can barely drag myself through shacharis and then maaaaybe some tehilim, but that`s it for the day. The rest of the day is just trying to survive hour by hour. I will read, play games, anything to get my mind off how awful I feel. Davening seems to prolong time for me and I find it tedious and boring. The whole day, I`m ashamed to say, I am irritable, especially with my kids, and angry.

Oh, and btw, I do everything `right` - drink tons before - powerade and water. Eat the right foods. Limit my caffeine intake. Have people lined up all day to help me with, oops, I mean take care of, my kids. Lie down as much as possible. Etc etc etc. But I just feel ill. The last 2 hours usually find me lying down not daring to move in case I throw up. And I can NEVER make it to havdallah. And this year was actually a `good` year.

Sorry for the long moan, but I`m so sick of people saying how it`s not so bad. Maybe for you, for me, I`ll reiterate: it. Is. Torture. And everyone tells me it`s all in my head (I`m actually usually a logical, down-to-earth person, plus this is only in the last few years, as I`ve said- I remember very clearly fasting fine and even being in shul all day) And all I`m thinking when it`s over is, we have to do this every, single, year!

I`m really not trying to be dramatic, just trying to put my perspective out there and hopefully us bad fasters will get a bit more understanding lol. YK is not uplifting in any way to me. It`s torturous.