The girl's parents pay for the whole wedding???

lamplighter

Fri, May 04 2007, 11:19 am

my inlaws didnt want to pay for anything and my parents could hardly afford it. the inlaws offered to amek the wedding overseas where they live but to my fam that made zero sense. we rathered a small wedding wiht family and friends then a biggr one with no one.
I thin at the end my parents paid what they could, some oragizations helped us tremendously and my mother bargain hunted for the cheapest of everything. I believe the photographers bill was billed directly to my inlaws so they mustve paid that.
I love my inlaws and my paretns and them are very compatible but it was a sore point.....
I had a lovely wedding, everyoen had a great time, and I am married tot eh man of my dreams...could I ask for more?

↑ Ruchel ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 11:20 am

Agreed, it's not a good idea to get in debt for a wedding.

But what I really can't get is getting in debt for a bar/bas mitzva. I don't get why they have to be big and full of luxury to begin with, but I get it even less when the parents cannot afford it!!

The son of my mom's best friends had a huge, crazy bar mitzva. There were bottles of wine with his pic!! shock

I was a bit offended to be sitted at the children table because I was unmarried... (I was 19 or so). But so was the 27 yr old unmarried sil, so yeah...

I know people who pride themselves in having bar/bas mitzvos that cost half a million francs (abt 100 000 dollars) with 500 people and all. Come on. I also know a couple who made a huge simcha for the first, then realized they wouldn't afford for the others, and every simcha becomes cheaper and smaller than the previous one... nice for the kids!

I was at a bas mitzva once, and the girl arrived.... by helicopter shock

(the parents had a HUGE garden but I'm not sure it is safe at all). Woah. I had a friend who arrived on a horse, less scary.

Less dangerous but weird anyway, my dh wanted to have Shwekey at our wedding (no we didn't have him finally, he doesn't do weddings unless you pay a terrific sum).

↑ amother ↓

Tue, May 08 2007, 1:29 pm

Ruchel wrote:

I believe the shulchan aruch (or maybe mishna brurah?) says you should spend as much on a bar mitzvah as you spend on a wedding! (which at the time was nothing like today for sure)

shabbatiscoming ↓

Tue, May 08 2007, 1:36 pm

Quote:

this should have been discussed before the couple even met!!!!!

who will pay for a wedding is NOT discussed in all cirlces before the couple go out. gosh I know ppl who just can not afford to pay for awedding these days, then what?

chocolate moose wrote:

Maybe ppl like me who didn't have such a nice wedding want to make it up to themselves...it's a shame as the boy does not usually care! or worse, is shy.

I agree with you that the boy usually does not care:) and what if the girl also does not care? I could have cared less what kind of flowers and dress I had. I would have MUCh rathered wear a skirt and top and had a lovely barbeque:)

ChavieK ↓

Tue, May 08 2007, 3:07 pm

My future dil is picking the type of flowers & style of centerpieces.The florist will do it within our budget. Same happened at dd's wedding. Both times we discussed about how many ppl & it worked out fine. This time we told her parents that if we do go over we will pay the diff,& they are absolutly fine with that.Btw paying flops is no bargain price,you can make it a bit less by not having flowers by the men. Although my dil says she doesn't want liquor, it's my dh that wants it. We are going to comprimise & only have at chosons tish.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, May 08 2007, 3:16 pm

Hi, I agree with not having a fancy wedding but I don't agree that the kids should pay for their own wedding. My sister in law is planning on what my neices can do to save up for their wedding. That is chutzpa! This is part of raising your child! If you don't have the money for the wedding, you should borrow it , not your child! A couple should not have to start their life in debt. In past generations you would never hear of the couple paying for their wedding. The parents don't have to go all out but a basic wedding will do ,anything more than basic should be paid for by the couple if they want something more. This whole concept upsets me b/c I feel that parents these days are making life really hard for their kids.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, May 08 2007, 3:51 pm

Yeah, in an ideal world, a couple shouldn't have any gashmiusdike worries when they have so much on their plate b'ruchnius of starting a marriage, etc.

But unfortunately, our world is far from perfect. A lot of FFB families have a lot of kids ka"h and just cannot dish out the full cost of a wedding every year or so when they're also trying to feed and clothe all their other kids and send them to school.

And in a lot of BT families, the parents got married older and paid for their own wedding, and they expect their kids to do the same. So whether they have money or not, they think that one must be responsible adult in order to get married and start a family, and a responsible adult pays his or her own way.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, May 08 2007, 9:06 pm

amother wrote:

I am sorry but it is part of raising kids. I think that ppl are putting too much on their kids. When our grandparents got married this was unheard of. Even if parents have a lot of kids they can borrow a little bit of money to pay for a wedding. If need be, the wedding can be really cheap. They can have a small lchaim , no vort, go to gemach and borrow gown etc and money.etc. Debt is not a way to start a marriage, it can cause lack of shalom bayis. It's funny, b/c most of these parents who "can't" pay had their weddings paid for by their parents. Shouldn't their kids get the same?

↑ southernbubby ↓

Tue, May 08 2007, 9:26 pm

Regardless of what religion a person is, if the invitation to a wedding is issued from the parents, it is assumed that the parents are making it. If a young couple is expected to meet their own wedding expenses, why invite the parent's friends and business associates, (unless they feel a closeness to those people)? If it is the couple themselves are issuing the invitation, shouldn't the invitation be worded differently? It is great if the young couple want to help the parents save face but are they obligated to at their own expense?

↑ southernbubby ↓

Tue, May 08 2007, 9:57 pm

I have heard it said that he words "cheap" and "wedding" cannot co-exist in the same sentence Very Happy

. The only cheap wedding is a ceremony at the city-clerk's office and stopping for bagels on the way home.
I saw the website for Keren Simchas Chosson V'Kallah and several people gave examples of why their parents could not pay and they needed Devorah Benjamin's help. In some cases the parents were not frum and could not relate to what was happening. In others, the parents had a terminally ill child (may no Yid know from it) and could not handle wedding plans. I think it is a very lonely time when an almanah must plan a child's chassunah. Still, I think that if the kids have to pay their own expenses, it should simply be their friends and whoever else that they want to include. The parents can save face by saying that they are having a very simple and small wedding.

↑ Seraph

Tue, May 08 2007, 10:53 pm

You can make a cheap wedding, at least in some places. I think total for my wedding, we probably paid 4,000 dollars. (Thats not including the apt and furniture, etc.)
2000 for the hall. 500 band. 1000 photographer. 500 gown. And then a little here and there for the makeup/hair/flowers. So maybe 4,500 dollars total.
But then again we got married in israel, and didn't have the poshest wedding. But if you're willing to do things simply, anything is possible.

↑ southernbubby ↓

Wed, May 09 2007, 7:34 am

The lowest cost wedding that we made for our one of our children was in Yerushalyim. Getting there and staying there though, made it cost almost as much as an American wedding. There are "cheaper" weddings but even $4000 to someone who is debt riddled and has nothing to live on is a lot of money for a one night event. I once saw a situation where a very poor person had to come up with $2000 for chassunah expenses and the money had to be raised. In the late 1800's and early 1900's immigrants made weddings in someones apartment with homemade food, a bouquet and maybe a musician. My great-grandmother arranged such simchas. In today's world, such an arrangement would not make very many people happy. Usually also with weddings, as opposed to other simchas, there are 2 families and the chosson and kallah, all of whom have expectations. If one side is doing all of the paying though, whatever they choose and decide to spend should be totally up to them!

↑ creativemommyto3

Wed, May 09 2007, 10:13 pm

southernbubby wrote:

The lowest cost wedding that we made for our one of our children was in Yerushalyim. Getting there and staying there though, made it cost almost as much as an American wedding. There are "cheaper" weddings but even $4000 to someone who is debt riddled and has nothing to live on is a lot of money for a one night event. I once saw a situation where a very poor person had to come up with $2000 for chassunah expenses and the money had to be raised. In the late 1800's and early 1900's immigrants made weddings in someones apartment with homemade food, a bouquet and maybe a musician. My great-grandmother arranged such simchas. In today's world, such an arrangement would not make very many people happy.
\
Maybe we have to go back to those oldfashioned days with a modern twist . Maybe the wedding can be in the person's home with just close family and friends and then for shabbos sheva brachos they make a catered meal at shul or a small hall. Money doesn't grow on trees and what matters most is that the marriage is good.

Usually also with weddings, as opposed to other simchas, there are 2 families and the chosson and kallah, all of whom have expectations. If one side is doing all of the paying though, whatever they choose and decide to spend should be totally up to them!

↑ shabbatiscoming ↓

Thu, May 10 2007, 6:45 am

ChavieK wrote:

Btw paying flops is no bargain price,you can make it a bit less by not having flowers by the men. Although my dil says she doesn't want liquor, it's my dh that wants it. We are going to comprimise & only have at chosons tish.

yeah, we had NO liquor at our wedding, my husband had been at too many yeshiva weddings where the guys just got smashed and so we had wine for birkat hamazon and that was it, not even under the chuppah (my husband is illergic to alcahol)