The girl's parents pay for the whole wedding???

amother ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 6:58 am

My sister is the last of us getting married, B'H, and the guy's parents don't want to contribute much to the wedding. They aren't frum, and they say (as if it's halacha) that the girl's parents are supposed to pay. With all of my other siblings and myself things were split almost 50/50, or at least 60/40, depending on what both sides could afford, regardless of whether they were the parents of the boy or girl. My parents are having a hard time with this financially, but they don't want it to cause problems in the marriage. Has anyone heard of making the girl's parents pay for everything?? The guy's parents by the way are financially comfortable and only had to marry off 2 other kids, while my parents had to marry off 6 BH.

chen ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 7:51 am

There's no "halocho" about these things--it's usually negotiated between the two sides. There are certain norms in certain communities (chosson's side paying for FLOPS being one) but it's not an obligation. At one time in the US the prevailing custom was for the bride's family to pay for all or most, but even then there were variations, especially if there were great disparities in financial situations, family size, or social obligations. It just makes no sense otherwise. But legally you can't force the other side to pony up unless you signed a contract with them stipulating what they were going to contribute.

↑ amother ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 8:30 am

chen wrote:

There's no "halocho" about these things--it's usually negotiated between the two sides. There are certain norms in certain communities (chosson's side paying for FLOPS being one)

What's FLOPS?

↑ amother ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 9:32 am

Flopi, is for flower, liquor, orchestra, photography and invitations. Some peopel add in a shaitel, they add the S, but that is extra.

I know that with my sister my parents paid for e/g and the chosson did the basic. And even that a week b4 the wedding his parents called that they didn't want to pay for flowers so my father said okay, no flowers. Also they were supposed to pay for the pictures and all they paid was the down payment and he told his son it is your wedding pay out of your wedding money and that is what they ended up doing. Maybe let your parents make a cheaper wedding for this sister ultimately spending the same amount of money that they did for e/o else.

↑ amother ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 9:38 am

This was a sore spot for my family. My parents are not frum and they paid for my entire wedding (I was not frum then either). While I won't complain about any of it, it was definitely done with a tight budget. Anytying extra dh and I wanted, we paid for ourselves (eg wine shock

) That was definitely the expectation on both sides. My ILs paid for nothing.

When my brother got married, he and the girls side were frum and the girls parents insisted my parents pay for FLOPS, but they ended up just giving a dollar amount I think. My parents were upset not so much about helping out but that the girls family planned eveyrthing then told them how much they owed. My parents kind of felt that if they were paying for it, they should be able to choose the photog, the flowers etc. They would NOT have spent that much.

However when my sis (also frum) got married, everything worked out so nicely because both families talked before hand about how much they could spend, what they expected, my sis and BIL were in constant contact with the parents as they were planning. That was a much better experience.

red sea

Fri, May 04 2007, 9:48 am

amother wrote:

Alls that important is that your sister is happy & getting a great dh. So make a less expensive wedding, see if his parents are willing to pay for FLOP or part of it at least. Ive even heard of a story or 2 where the couple ended up paying for some things.

Seraph ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 10:00 am

My in laws paid for flop- flowers- just my boquet as that was the only flowers, liquer (sp?)- we didn't have any. Orchestra- they paid for the one man band. photography- they paid.
And then they also paid for my ring and my diamond bracelet.
But everything else my side paid for... And we scrimped, because we didnt want to spend a lot of money... But still in the end my parents ended up paying more...

chocolate moose ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 10:07 am

I always say, for our son we'll get the kind of girl who wants to split everyting,a dn for our daughtr, we'll get the kind of boy whose paretns expect us to pay for it all.

lol

this should have been discussed before the couple even met!!!!!

mimsy7420 ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 10:33 am

chocolate moose wrote:

That's only done in some circles.

greenfire ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 10:51 am

I should hope that the important part would be that the chosson and kallah want to get married and are right for each other ... and on that note would also hope that everything else falls into place ...

I so hear you cm ... the irony in that ... LOL but with 3 girls I certainly hope we go 50/50 ... and aren't the girls like into the flowers ... why should that be the chossons side ...

southernbubby ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 11:12 am

I have seen this happen when FFBs people marry BTs. The parents of the BT are not too excited about the marriage and have no clue as to how to participate and do not want to be simply presented with the bill.

Ruchel ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 11:49 am

My dh told me in his family the bride's parents pay the wedding and the chosson's parents the engagement!!! shock

Come on! (I still suspest mil told him that just to annoy us).

I told him it was just not working for us... and we would do 50/50. We did, but he insisted on paying the engagement fully. No one should HAVE TO pay anything fully.

↑ amother ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 1:14 pm

We were BTs and got married young and paid for everything ourselves. Loans, gemachs, there are a lot of resources if you know how to find them in NY. Parents contributed a small amt. His parents paid for the cake, mine paid for half of the catering.

↑ chocolate moose ↓

Fri, May 04 2007, 1:26 pm

Come to think of it, dh and I got from ten yad, etc., and the rest came from gemachs or we did without.

it's not a crime to make a small wedding, without flowers etc. it's worse to go into debt!