Chutzpah!!! | Imamother

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Chutzpah!!!

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lubmommy

Sun, Apr 15 2007, 2:23 pm

What should I do? My 12 year old daughter told me to shut up when I said she should do her homework without being spoonfed the answers.

withhumor ↓

Sun, Apr 15 2007, 2:25 pm

Ouch. She obviously have something bothering her. I would make sympathetic noises ‘ahmmm awwww ohhhhh’ and not say anythig else. About 2-3 hours later when she calms down, I would try to have a ‘talk’.

Have you read how to talk so kids will listen? They always tell you not to jump the second a child is impudent, but to wait until they solve their current problems.

MOM222

Sun, Apr 15 2007, 4:04 pm

If its the first time or one of the first few times shes chutzpadik to you - you have to strongly rebuke. If she sees your ok with this kind of talk then she will just continue.

Withoumors advice is fine if she has a problem with chutzpah and doesn't listen to you. But if its the first time she trying out , she has to be rebuked right aways and strongly. You have to make it clear that you won't tolerate chutzpah and if she had something to say, she can say it with respect.

↑ withhumor

Sun, Apr 15 2007, 4:11 pm

Again, my oldest is 9 so I don’t have teens yet (although it certainly feels like it!) I’m just quoting from the book, because the book works on my kids, my customers, and on dh too!

chavamom

Sun, Apr 15 2007, 9:27 pm

And some kids will be egged on by the strong response they got. A child over bar/bat mitzvah can be told "I'm sorry, you are NOT allowed to speak to me like that" and make yourself unavailable for the next bit. When they (inevitably) need the next "thing" say "I'm sorry, but I really don't feel I can be available to you until you can apologize for treating me with such a lack of derech eretz". It works around here.

happymom

Sun, Apr 15 2007, 10:29 pm

I think u should go with her to a quiet place, ask her whats bothering her and why she got so upset. u can explain to her that u understand she is upset and why whatever it is bothered her, but is this the way we speak to a mother???? hopefully she will apologize, and feel understood at the same time.

greenfire

Mon, Apr 16 2007, 12:50 am

I believe she should be told in soft but firm voice that this is not what you expect of her and that you are more than willing to help and listen to any issues she has ... and in turn she has to be able to speak to you respectfully ... and let her know in the long run you are only trying to help her so that she may grow to do the work on her own otherwise she will get stuck in school ... and that when she is ready you would like an apology ...and the apology should be clear/specified to what she said ..."mommy I am sorry for saying shut up ... and in the future I will be more careful with the way I talk to you"

Mevater

Mon, Apr 16 2007, 1:35 am

withhumor wrote:

Again, my oldest is 9 so I don’t have teens yet (although it certainly feels like it!) I’m just quoting from the book, because the book works on my kids, my customers, and on dh too!

Sounds interesting, which book?

mimivan

Mon, Apr 16 2007, 1:48 am

chavamom wrote:

110%!!!!
withhumor: I did take a class for "frum" women on the book "how to talk..." and while I believe they did try to adapt Mazlich and Faber's approach for the Torah world, I don't think it is a perfect fit. Sure, we should be available to listen to our children, but impudence against a parent is against Torah and should be addressed immediately, without anger (or else it will lead to a meaningless fight).

There is always time for listening, but a child needs to know there are limits. Sometimes they test us to see how serious we are, and they need to know we are serious.

chocolate moose

Mon, Apr 16 2007, 5:10 pm

oh, boy. hugs to you. that's tough.

be assured it will past, many teens like to test the limits.

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