dinner invite from not Jewish coworker

amother ↓

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 6:17 am

I work in a not Jewish environment and coworkers have mentioned at times that the only other religious Jews they know is on PBS. My coworkers have my cell phone number and email address for work related reasons. There are times that they do call or email just to be friendly and that's fine. There were times people asked me to join them for a drink and I explained that I don't drink. There were times people brought in lunch for everyone and offered me. I always thanked them and said I can't eat it because I keep kosher. A coworker called me this morning to invite me and dh to dinner. He mentioned other coworkers who are coming with their boyfriends. I thanked him for including me and apologized that I won't be able to make it as I keep kosher. He said maybe he could have a kosher dinner and he'll get back to me. What's the most tactful way to handle this situation without hurting anyone's feelings or ruining my working relationship with people I see on a daily basis?

Ruchel ↓

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 6:21 am

Is there a nice kosher restaurant around?
Can they come by you instead if you're up to it?
Can they understand if you bring your own food?
Can they do a "everyone brings something" event?
Can they do something not problematic for you (ask your rav for limits and guidelines)?

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 6:46 am

Ruchel wrote:

Is there a nice kosher restaurant around?
There are lots of kosher restaurants around but he was talking about a home cooked meal in his house.
Can they come by you instead if you're up to it?
I thought about that but my suppers are usually quick one course meals except for Shabbos. Also, my kids aren't always well behaved to put it mildly.
Can they understand if you bring your own food?
I'm not so sure I want to join them outside of work. Maybe I'm just anti social, but I enjoy being home with my kids in the evening.
Can they do a "everyone brings something" event?
When they do, almost everyone brings beer.
Can they do something not problematic for you (ask your rav for limits and guidelines)?
I don't really want to join them in the first place.

iluvy

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 7:01 am

I don't know what your office culture is, but repeatedly declining invitations can make you seem very antisocial and make it difficult to get along with people in the office. I completely understand not wanting to go out for drinks or dinner on a regular basis, but a one time dinner that most other coworkers are going to is something you should probably make an effort for. Bring your own dinner, smile and shmooze, and leave early ("Early morning tomorrow.")

smss ↓

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 7:05 am

iluvy wrote:

I don't know what your office culture is, but repeatedly declining invitations can make you seem very antisocial and make it difficult to get along with people in the office.

I'm sure that's true, but a part of me is asking "so what?"
assuming OP is polite, respectful & easy to deal with at work, and she decides she doesn't personally care if her coworkers think she's an extreme introvert/weird/antisocial/whatever... does it really matter? I'm asking in all seriousness, is this something that would affect someone's position in a company? like would someone get fired/not get promoted over this?

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 7:18 am

smss wrote:

Op here- it wouldn't affect my position at work, however, because I stand out as the Jew and I'm constantly being asked to verify information learned on PBS, I don't want to make a chillul Hashem. If they would ask me to join them at a kosher restaurant, I would go just because I know they're trying to accommodate me and I would feel guilty saying no, but I wouldn't bring dh unless everyone is bringing spouses/ boyfriends, as he is not used to a not Jewish atmosphere. Going to their houses is a line I don't want to cross.

greenfire

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 7:28 am

first of all what's PBS - public broadcasting station ?

there are ways to socialize & keep kosher ... order a take-out dinner to bring along ...

I'd rather stand out for being a jew by bringing my own food - than being a jew who is offstandish ~

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 7:28 am

smss wrote:

It probably depends on what you do for a living. In most jobs, in a word, YES. If you have any client contact at all, your employer wants to ensure that you can be friendly and sociable. But even if there's no client contact, people like working with people whom they like. On more than one occasion, we've let people go not because of their work, but because we didn't particularly like them.

There's also the networking aspect. If you go for another job, you need references, and references tend to be people who know and like you. "She's a bit aloof, and doesn't socialize at all" is not a helpful reference.

DrMom ↓

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 7:28 am

Quote:

It's pretty clear you are not interested in socializing with your co-workers, so why bother to ask the question? You have an excuse for every suggestion.

IMO: Yes, I think it's rude to keep turning down invitations. I think you should make an effort to socialize with them every once in a while, just to show you're a "team player." They realize you have limitations, but making an effort, even if you are not going to have a fantastic time, is the decent thing to do.

And who knows? You may find you have more in common than you thought.

causemommysaid

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 7:34 am

I would agree to go and bring your husband (if he can act normal around non jews and not unfriendly)

explain that you cant eat anything home cooked and will bring your own food if needed.

since you will be eating different food I think thats enough of a separation halachically.

mention casually that your kids make it hard to get out so your not sure how often you can do fun stuff after work. that will give you an out for at least a few months.

making a social appearance every 4 months will not be the end of the world.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 7:45 am

I feel the same way you do.
At work I am polite, social, join conversations, whatever...
But I don't ever go to their homes, go out for drinks or anything else.
Though my co-workers are wonderful people, with drinks (or without honestly) the conversations usually deteriorate in a way I am not comfortable. The dress is much more casual, in a way I would prefer my dh not be around or myself, honestly.
I always apologize but beg off. I do not blame it on babysitting difficulties, I do not blame it on dh.
They just know I prefer to be at home with my family.
They may whisper about it privately but it works for me and it has not caused me any work difficulties that I know of.

monseychick ↓

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 7:46 am

amother wrote:

I'm not so sure I want to join them outside of work. Maybe I'm just anti social, but I enjoy being home with my kids in the evening.[/quote]

Can I ask what field you are in.. In some carers, accounting, advertising, law it is professional suicide to just snub all your colleagues..

I would strongly encourage a get together at a Kosher restaurant, unless you are looking to be at the top of the feeding chain come layoff time..

↑ monseychick ↓

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 7:51 am

smss wrote:

In a word.... ABSOLUTELY[b]

smss, are you a SAHM

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 8:02 am

monseychick wrote:

Can I ask what field you are in.. In some carers, accounting, advertising, law it is professional suicide to just snub all your colleagues..

I would strongly encourage a get together at a Kosher restaurant, unless you are looking to be at the top of the feeding chain come layoff time..

I'm a teacher. I don't have that kind of job where it would be professional suicide, however, outright snubbing would make it difficult to get along with my assistants and other teachers. I do email, they have my phone number, they know I have kids, I hear every detail about one teacher's boyfriend problems, another teacher's difficult teenager, and they know about my most difficult child. I'm not antisocial at work. We do prep together and discuss personal lives at times, but I wasn't expecting to be invited to a teacher's house with a few other teachers. I know his wife is an amazing cook- or at least everyone who eats her food says she is. I know he has two cute kids. I just like to keep my work relationships outside of my family time, and knowing that one of the teachers (the one with boyfriend problems) is a big drinker, I don't really want to bring dh to such an atmosphere.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Mar 11 2014, 8:20 am

causemommysaid wrote:

I would agree to go and bring your husband (if he can act normal around non jews and not unfriendly.

I'm not aware of this medical condition that causes Jews to act abnormal and unfriendly around non-Jews. Is this a tropical disease?