I can't trust my 12 y/o

amother ↓

Mon, Sep 11 2006, 7:25 am

When my son was around age 6 he would get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and then instead of going back to sleep, would sneak downstairs and stay up the rest of the night, reading books or playing on the computer. We put passwords on the computer and installed a motion sensor in the hallway, so it would alert us as to wen he woke up. My husband or I would just stand outside our bedroom door until he went back to his room (after using the restroom). Then we would tuck him back into bed.

Now at 12 this behavior has resumed. I am at a complete loss. This is the third time in a month we have caught him. He pretends to be asleep. I check on him before I go to bed between 10 & 11pm. (How much later can I stay up when I get up with my husband at 4:45am?) He figured out my husband's password and was on the computer all night last night. he only went back to bed when he heard our alarm clock this morning.

I don't want to keep him from school today, but now his teacher will have to suffer. My bigger problem is what do I do to keep this from happening anymore? Yes, I have changed the passwords on the computers, but the point is I should be able to sleep knowing that my son stays in bed (unless he needs to use the restroom).

I can't stay up all night every night. I can't lock him is his room. I can't sleep in the hallway outside his door. What can I do?

morningstar ↓

Mon, Sep 11 2006, 7:59 am

This is a different behavior at age six and at age 12, so don't see this as one long continuum. At six, it is the excitement of being up late at night a lone, or recognizing his autonomy. What is his motivation at 12? Have you asked him? Does he realize yet how bad he feels the next day if he stays up all night? Is he planning to do this regularly? Does he do this because he has trouble falling asleep or because there are temptations he can't resist? This may not primarily be an issue of "trust"-- there may be other things going on-- so start by telling him the obvious-- you can't stay up all night and guard him, but if he doesn't get his sleep, he won't be able to function well the next day. Then listen when he tells you "why" he does that.

If the computer access is a concern, you can take the keyboard with you to your room when you go to bed at night, or otherwise disable the computer.

Beyond that, you can't "make him sleep" but you can make sure not to protect him from the consequences of his actions ( I.e. allowing him to stay home from school); writing notes for the teacher when he is late.

Every child experiments with staying up late-- so if this is very occasional and you feel sure he is not doing something dangerous, you might just let it go. If he does not seem to recognize the negative consequences of doing this regularly, you may have to revoke certain privileges if he is not in bed on time/able to get up for school. A natural privilege to revoke is home computer access.

Finally, if this is chronic and your son does not respond to natural consequences/discussion/revoking of privileges, you may want to discuss this with your family doctor or a therapist. There may be some sleep disorder/psychological issue at the root of this.

Good luck.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Sep 11 2006, 9:53 am

morningstar wrote:

I didn't view it as a contuum, however, I did see it as a reversal. It was such a LONG proccess of getting him out of that habit, I guess all the old stress came right back.

He said that his reason for doing it last night was because he is grounded from getting on the computer and he didn't want to wait another week to be able to play games.

He used to learn very well from natural consequence. Not anymore. Lately he is doing whatever he wants to do with little regard to the consequence. Is this what I have to look forward to throughout his teen years? I just want to deal with this now before it escalates.

↑ amother

Mon, Sep 11 2006, 10:06 am

We changed the passwords on all the computers. To access the desktop he would have to figure out the password and reconnect the monitor, not to mention find a keyboard.

The laptops are now in our bedroom at night.

I will remove the keyboard from his brother's computer tonight.

This is a temporary fix. I don't intend to live like this for the long term. I need to get it through to him just how wrong this is.

↑ morningstar

Mon, Sep 11 2006, 1:44 pm

One thing to establish with him is trust is earned, and freedom requires trust.If you feel there is more to this than simply getting caught up in a game that wants to finish, you have to work out a set of clear consequences for the abuse of your trust.

As to what you have to look ahead to in the teenage years: try to live it one day at a time. Some kids go through their rebellion at 12 and then they are done. Of course, this is not always the case. You can't know what the future will bring: just do the best you can with the present.

Ambassador-to-KJ

Mon, Sep 11 2006, 2:12 pm

Is it possible that there is a problem that is preventing him from falling/staying asleep. If so disabling the computer will not realy help him, maybe he's using it to stay busy when he is awake and even if its not around he'll still be up, maybe just doing something else. Have you considered speaking to his pediatrician about this because this doesnt sound normal or healthy...MAYBE HE CAN'T SLEEP Confused