want to start a writing club. you in?

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Wed, Jan 05 2011, 6:45 pm

Aylat wrote:

Mummiedearest:

I thought the ending was very effective and conveyed a sudden switch, a jerk back to reality. Out of the daydream and down to earth. But not bitterly, rather with a determined acceptance of the situation.

I LOVE the phrase "human photosynthesis" which makes me think of children getting their energy from the sun, running around on the lawn and blosssoming.

thank you. you picked my favorite line. and I assume you don't hate snow.

do you have something you want critiqued? I don't want to dominate the thread if I'm not the only one open to criticism. I'm glad to meet another brave soul.

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Wed, Jan 05 2011, 6:56 pm

robynm wrote:

shosh wrote:

Too tired to read whole thread, but is this only for poetry or is prose allowed in too?

(Anyone who has read Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy would understand when I say I can only write Vogon poetry ...)

WELCOME SHOSH!!! Hooray

write whatever your heart desires.

current topic is "spacing out" for those who dont want to go back and read the whole thread... it is getting kind of long....

hey, shosh

maybe a theme for one week could be vogon poetry! love the stuff! the screams of terror really add to the poetry...

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Wed, Jan 05 2011, 7:06 pm

ok, then. I like that you split the two stanzas with one line. the extra line adds emphasis and breaks up the rhyme scheme to get the reader's attention. almost like having fingers snapped at you when you're spacing out.

is spacing out wholly negative? I've definitely experienced that kind of spacing. what about when you have somewhere exciting to go and you just can't focus on the work at hand? would you call that spacing out, or something else?

I like the capitalization of ANYWHERE, it definitely sets the mood.
and I like the image of the waves embracing the sand.

short and sweet. I like that you didn't capitalize every line.

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Wed, Jan 05 2011, 7:10 pm

robynm wrote:

not a poem!

sometimes I sit here and I wish I could just space out. I wish I could clear my mind of all the stuff that is constantly zooming through. I wonder what spacing out would be like. would I be bored. who would I talk to. would it be dark. why cant I just quiet my mind. and stop. sometimes I want to look out the window and get lost in the view. instead I am busy wondering. do the birds ever get bored of flying. what if I was a bird. does a bird space out.

so when you see me spacing out. dont be fooled. because now you know the truth. there are a million thoughts rushing through my mind. not letting me rest. I am not on a planet far away. I am right where I am. I am not spacing out.

I like the lack of commas. that usually drives me nuts, but you made good use of the idea. it definitely runs like a train of thought rather than a conversation. and I like the lack of capitalization. interesting to not that the only thing capitalized is "I." I was surprised to see the second paragraph addressing the reader directly. it's as if the first paragraph is telepathically aimed at the reader. interesting effect.

↑ Aylat ↓

Wed, Jan 05 2011, 7:20 pm

Here for the critiquing... Smile

Simplest to repost, hope that's not too annoying. Written late at night in a rush. Lots that could be improved, happy to be told Confused

Aylat wrote:

Spacing Out

Alaaarm

Out of bed
Modeh ani
Wash my hands
Kids join me

Dress, eat
Rush to school
Kids then me
Work to the rule

Plan, teach, interact
Pick up kids
Home, we’re whacked
Supper, bed, tidy up

Finally
Satisfied, productive
Sink into sleep
Alaaarm

I need some space in my life
Wide mental grasslands with empty blue skies
Where I can breathe fresh air deep and long

Room for my thoughts to wander
To amble slowly along winding paths
With no set destination or limit of time

And as I discover, uncover
My relaxation refocuses me
I remember where I want to go
Realise I had been running frantically
On the spot
Before

Spacing out
or
Tuning in?

TIA for constructive crit, negative and positive feedback!

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Wed, Jan 05 2011, 7:28 pm

Aylat wrote:

Here for the critiquing... Smile

Simplest to repost, hope that's not too annoying. Written late at night in a rush. Lots that could be improved, happy to be told Confused

Aylat wrote:

TIA for constructive crit, negative and positive feedback!

I like the change in style. the beginning reminds me of billy joel's "we didn't start the fire." very rushed, little time to think about the person behind it. I like the phrase "wide mental grasslands." I also like that you lost the rhyme scheme when you came to the relaxed part. I find rhyming works in certain circumstances, and in others it sounds strained. very cool that you used that.

I'm wondering whether the last bit is necessary. I get the idea of it, I'm just wondering if it would be better as the title to the poem as opposed to the ending. I kinda liked the "on the spot/before" as an ending. does that make sense to you? the title is "spacing out," but the poem is not entirely about that. I like the addition of tuning in. definitely a new thought.

↑ Aylat ↓

Wed, Jan 05 2011, 7:37 pm

mummiedearest wrote:

Aylat wrote:

Here for the critiquing... Smile

Simplest to repost, hope that's not too annoying. Written late at night in a rush. Lots that could be improved, happy to be told Confused

Aylat wrote:

TIA for constructive crit, negative and positive feedback!

Thanks for the input!

Glad the style change spoke to you, I like trying to use structure to convey the same message as the words. (Don't know "we didn't start the fire". Maybe will try google it tomorrow.

I hear what you're saying about the ending, and I think it would be better without the last bit. More definite. Not sure about the title though (I always have difficulty with titles). "Spacing out or tuning in" seems too long. Will think about it.

I was thinking about what you said about word choice, and I might try and tighten up the 2nd half by tweaking the words I use to be more precise about what I mean or convey a more vivid image.

Thanks again! Am really enjoying the literary discussion here.

↑ mummiedearest ↓

Wed, Jan 05 2011, 8:29 pm

Chochmes Nushim wrote:

When the walls
are closing in
when my pitfalls
bruise within

No relief
in sight
every new leaf
another fight

every battle
leaves its scars
my world
is torn apart

if only...
if only...

but I can't run
I can't hide
for all the wars
are battled inside

you see,
you understand why?
its all me,
against myself and I

I'm trying to decide whether you (as presented by the poem) are indecisive, self-destructive, or have low self-esteem. (I don't think you as a person are any of these things. this is how the poem seems)

the short lines are like taking short jabs at yourself. not enough to seriously hurt. some of the words are harsher than that. some of it seems to be accepting of the reality of it. I think it could be longer, if only because you bring the reader's understanding into it. the poem doesn't clarify anything for the reader. it makes us aware that there is something unidentified behind the poem. you could either continue after the last stanza, or add more stanzas before it.

btw, I responded to your previous poem, I'm not sure you noticed. I should have quoted it in my post. sorry about that.

Mimisinger

Wed, Jan 05 2011, 8:46 pm

A friend wrote this and wanted me to post it, so her sn wouldn't be used: Let's call her Reva:

Spacing In - By Reva Shakespeare (A post modern take on the iambic pentameter)

Whats Spacing Out?
I think I used to know it, way back when
dreams could be dreamt
desires not yet spent

Whats Spacing Out?
Is it that thing?
Im remembering now
on a whim, your mind
left to spin,
Please tell me how, to do this thing
To space
When all I see is his face
In my spaced out space

Whats Spacing Out?
I know it now,
But its not the same
I dont feel it
Running through my cold blooded vein

Out of Space
Out of time

Maybe here, maybe there

How many mountains must I climb,
Time, I think ive run out of mine

Whats Spacing Out?
How can you forget,
I think,
Thats what I have done.
Maybe its a coping mechanism,
not wanting to fill that chasm
Don't space out,
lest it fill,
with every tear I never sprout.
In case I shout

Now im just a mom,
With all thats already been done
When I space out
I space in
To my within.

↑ robynm ↓

Wed, Jan 05 2011, 11:28 pm

Mimisinger wrote:

[b]

to reva shakespeare..... this hit too close to home. I wish I could express myself this well.

↑ whirlwind ↓

Wed, Jan 05 2011, 11:53 pm

All is quiet,
All is still,
As my mind takes me
Where it will.

Yesterdays, tomorrows,
And different todays,
Exploring many options
And alternate ways

That moments of Past
Could have been done,
How moments of Future
I'll try best to run.

Jumbling, tumbling
Thoughts in my brain,
What is this worth?
What do I gain?

Snap back to the present,
The here and the now,
Forget about later,
What'll happen and how.

Don't waste current moments
On things that have passed,
The present's a present,
This time will not last.

Though letting my thoughts free
Truly is bliss,
These moments of now
I don't want to miss.

My daughter's sweet smile,
My son's lovely song,
The baby's sweet gurgle,
My husband's "so long!"

Time's running by,
Seize the moment and act,
Take note of the present,
Think not fiction but fact.

If you let your mind wander,
Don't start to "space out"
You'll lose track of what's now,
What This Moment's about.

All critique welcome! Weird because I started out by thinking about what I wanted to say and I really wanted to express how spacing out is relaxing and nice at times, but I guess the proactive perfectionist in me came to the fore to let me know I canNOT waste my time spacing out! Interesting... Feedback please :-)