s-xually abused pupil in my class?

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Forum -> Working Women -> Teachers' Room

S-xually abused pupil in my class?

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elaela ↓

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:15 am

I work in a second grade, kids aged between 6 and 8, it is a non jewish state school in the outskirts (not such a nice district, if u understand)

two weeks ago I found a "loveletter" with a picture o a heart etc. saying "do you want to make s_x with me?"
underneath a pupils desk. after school I asked the boy (he is handicaped and cannot read) whose this letter was, and he said a girl (lets call her kate) gave it to me today. this girl has been in a very bad mood the past few weeks, she became very quiet and sometimes aggresive.

I took the letter. a few days later I had a talk with kate. I showed her her letter she blushed immediately. I didnt make her suffer, so I made it a short talk. I just asked her whether she understood what she wrote. she said it means something adults do. I said that she is right, and that she is still a child and therefore s_x is not relevant for her now. she smiled and decided to tear up the letter and throw it away.

I was surprised by the whole situation, but thought, that maybe she heared/saw sth in tv, or older siblings mentioned something...

last week we discussed what the kids wish for the non jewish yontef. one kid mentioned a computer, another kid said she wants a new bike... kate said she wishes her father would sleep alone again.

I asked her what that means. she said, they live at her grandmothers house now and that the father sleeps either on the couch in her room or in the aunt's room ...

so again, my colleague and I were surprised and thought of maybe talking to her about it, but she was very cool and "normal" during our discussion and said, that she sleeps better when she is alone and she doesnt want her father to share a room with anyone anymore. the way she spoke seemed reasonable.

today she told me that she stuck up a pencil "down there where pee comes out" when she was in the bathroom. I tried to stay cool, and asked her why she did it, and she answered "adults also do it". so I asked her where she knows it from- and she answered that "doesnt everyone know?"

I immediately told this to my colleague and we decided to go to the head mistress.

the boss said that the holidays start tomorrow, there is anyway nothing we can do...
according to statistics one kid per class is s-xually abused in our city...etc etc.

I feel so helpless, cos according to our law we REALLY cant do ANYTHINg unless the girl says eg:" this person did this and this to me" in front of a witness. all three occurances (the letter, the bedstory and the pencilstory, do not interest anyone).

we called the children's psychologist and she will observe kate and talk to her...(but kate anyhow sees a psychologist twice a week, cos of sth else- I wonder if they also speak about these issues)
more we cannot do. what an absurd situation.
wwyd?

bubby ↓

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:25 am

From a legal point of view, you are mandated to report this, as it does seem to be cause for concern. From a Halachic point of view (Meseira possibility, which everyone seems to get all worked up about) there's no problem: they aren't Jewish.

Is the understanding that the head doesn't want to spoil the kid's Xmas? Phooey! I'd think getting abused by Daddy & being s&xually provocative is more likely to spoil the holiday. Report it.

mammele26

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:43 am

If the local authorities do nothing about it, go to the higher ups. But DO SOMETHING REAL! "Kol hamerachim al habrios merachamim alav min hashamayim."

sarahd

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:52 am

bubby wrote:

According to what OP writes, not only is she not mandated to report it but she can't report it even if she wants.

sequoia

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 8:53 am

I'd say the signs are there.

You must do something. If only someone at my school had paid attention... if only someone had done something about it!

morahaviva

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 9:15 am

Teachers are mandated reporters in the US - the OP is clearly not from the states, and the same laws may not be in place in her country.

ora_43

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 9:24 am

Can you call her regular psychologist and mention your concerns? Maybe that way it would be dealt with faster.

If she has other issues she's in counseling for - does she have a social worker, or caseworker, or whatever the equivalent is for you? They might also be able to speed things up.

sneakermom

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 9:31 am

The psychologist should have one on one sessions with her. She should have dolls that can be undressed etc. And she should allow Kate to feel free to do as she wishes with them. She needs a safe place to deal with her mixed emotions and to let this all out. She needs validation that she is normal, and good and that it's not okay for this too happen. If she is given enough therapy she will come out and say it directly. She needs time and trust. And then action can be taken.

Chocoholic

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 9:37 am

OP where are you located?

marina

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 9:37 am

Quote:

I feel so helpless, cos according to our law we REALLY cant do ANYTHINg unless the girl says eg:" this person did this and this to me" in front of a witness. all three occurances (the letter, the bedstory and the pencilstory, do not interest anyone).

What state/country is this in? Who told you the law is this way?

Why can't you ask the girl with a witness whether anyone has ever touched her in her private areas? Don't lead or ask about specific people, but you can ask generally.

You can also have a chat with the whole class about it, do the whole speech about safety and how no one is allowed to touch you in some areas, etc. and then see if she says anything.

amother

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 9:51 am

I would call my local police and ask for advice... I volunteered for a child protective agency in the past (zebra protective services) ,the constables were amazing and all interviews were done in the most unthreatening manner.

SingALong

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 9:56 am

one thing is maybe to document communication. like document memos between oyu and psychologist, express your concerns with her in writing. also again request from the headmistress in writing that you think this may be something that needs to be reported or investigated. if you are a mandated reporter, then you may get into trouble for NOT reporting. having things in writing will protect you since it shows you tried to report it and headmistress blocked you, or that you thought psychologist first needs to examine situation further.

as for what to do? better safe than sorry. research the legalities in your state/country what your options are as a teacher. I don't think that I typical 2nd grader would stick a pencil up her privates. just IMHO.

↑ elaela ↓

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 10:39 am

thank you for your replies

I reported it to the class-teacher and we spoke to the head mistress.

before xmas we cannot do anything else. in order to call the specific social workers etc we need permission from the headmistress. we have a psychologist in our school she has beed informed and she will observe her in january.

the girl sees a psychologist twice a week (but we cannot contact her directly).

the reason the chool psychologist wont speak to kate immediately alone is, that it might be confusing for kate to speak to a stranger about these tipics, thats why the psychologist will come into class and observe first. (kids will think she is a teacher). afteshe has built up a relationship she will speak to kate (if she will find it necessary).

officially even this is forbidden without permission of Kate's parents. 90% of oparents disagee and dont give permission to have their kid observed by a school psychologist.

kate is quite self confident, for example she speaks very openly about her feelings and also about the fact that she does not like her grandmother. all her classmates feel for her and many discuss her siuation at home with her my collegues and I try to create a safe and open environment for the pupils. noone mocks kate b``H.

we first need more info and then we can contact authorities. one day before holiday is not enough time to get this info from kate...the entire system is complicated.

I live in europe. the laws might differ from country to country. I must say though, that ones it is clear that a child gets abused the system reacts very fast. we have had cases before that were clear (u could see marks on the back, scars, the child said the mother beats him...) and the child was taken out of the family within 24 hours...im not saying it is great, but at least the child was safe. unfortunately we found out that the boy wanted to go home cos he missed his mother (unbelievable) and he cried for weeks , wouldnt eat, stoped speaking etc...it is hard to decide what to do.

I wish I knew for sure what is going on and I wish I could react properly.

Ruchi11218

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 2:03 pm

My heart goes out for all the "Kates" out there that are forced into such depreaved situations. I am consoled by the fact that there are special individuals, such as our OP, who are willing to go the extra mile to assist. May you always be in a position to assist others and never be the one who needs assistance from others.

greentiger

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 2:07 pm

why is it unbelievable that the boy missed his mother? She is his mother. Abusive or not...

Sherri ↓

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 3:02 pm

sequoia wrote:

If only someone at my school had paid attention... if only someone had done something about it!

↑ bubby ↓

Thu, Dec 23 2010, 7:42 pm

I did think OP lived in the US. My mistake.

Having said that, my Sis who is a principal in UK is always "making trouble" (must be a family complaint!) & she reports every time something happens. She is considered to be an expert in abuse & the authorities call her in; her evidence caused a change in the law. And when I was in UK I had to report a case & it was resolved amazingly! The father in that case (he was beating his son) actually came to school to thank me. He got the anger management help he needed & the child remained at home: a real happy ending.

Unfortunately, many (most?) cases don't end up so well. I wouldn't hesitate over s&xual abuse & if the lazy headmistress isn't willing to do something herself, I'd do it. And if the authorities seem to be sitting on their hands I'd take it higher.

If you're in UK, OP...remind them of Baby P. That should light a fire under them! Good luck!

↑ elaela

Fri, Dec 24 2010, 5:21 am

thank you bubby. I called someone at college today and hehlped me put up a plan of what to do step by step. badically nothing can happen until jaunary 10th. then we shall call kate's psychologist (secretly) and mention what we have noticed. maybe she DOES know about it , who knows? and if she doesnt she definitely should find out. aimultaniously the school psychologist will join our classes every day for one hour. she must write a note , with this note the head mistress MUST tale further steps ...hm... this might take until the end of january. slow.

I wam not surprised, that the boy missed his mother. he literally wanted to go back to her (he saw her while he lived somewhere else), he prefered to be beaten... obviously he loved her, and I dare to say that she also loves him. he hated being separated from his family (his siblings and mother). it is a very hard situation for the kid. most certainly we MAY not leave a child in such a family. but taking the kid out is not the "happy end". I do beleive that (eventhoug we CANNOT do anything now be4 holidays, even if we could) it would shock kate very much to be taken out of her family from one second to another. I hope that all the steps we take will go smoothly, she is bright, I am siure we can speak to her a lot and communicate so that she UNDERSTANDS what happens. I realy dont want the police and social worker to turn up suddainly and just take her.

beezrat HaShem we will know more in january. I pray that she will be having a good and peaceful holiday (they will go on a trip) - *this is NOT a sarcastic remark*

git shabbos everyone. and thanx again for your opinions.

↑ Sherri

Fri, Dec 24 2010, 6:37 am

SingALong wrote:

Documenting is a good idea.

↑ bubby

Fri, Dec 24 2010, 7:16 am

OP, please update us after school resumes. Good Shabbos to you too!

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