Help me be dan lkaf zechus - hate student's mom!!!

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Ruchel ↓

Wed, Sep 29 2010, 1:09 pm

I had a student to teach today.

I went there, and instead of the bad, stupid student the mother told me about on phone, I found a nice, polite, interested, clever, eager to learn 12 yr old little boy.

It was quite upsetting to see how he went all red when I just said he didn't make many mistakes, and how he called himself an "imbecile" (definitely a word grown ups tell him) for a slight misunderstanding. I reacted strongly, saying he was not an imbecile he just made a mistake, and emphasizing his GREAT grades in maths and physics (equivalent would be A+++, perfection) and also his A in composition. Mom sighed heavily.

I helped him with his Englist test but his mom b*tched that she can do it (she's an ex English teacher, but she doesn't have time, she says). He had to write down everything single sentence I made him form so she could check "if he was working".

Big sis, 16, was in the same room, trying to do her own homework. When mom arrive in the room, she sent her to prepare a bottle for the baby and give it. Mom took baby one minute, then went in the girl's room (actually the room she shares with her brother and baby sibling!), dumped the baby and told her "keep the baby in your room!".

Girl started crying that she wanted to go to bed - it was 4 pm, but she had been up all night with baby. Mom ignored. Then she went to drink a coffee in the kitchen.

Later she went shopping, and when I told the kid to call his mom to ask her when I come back, he said "I'm not allowed to use the phone, it costs money". He ended dialing the mom's number then hung up quickly.

It was really depressing, and when the mom calls me to tell me if she thinks her son worked enough or if he needs a harsher teacher, I'm not sure what option is best. I don't want to see her face again, but kiddo deserves a chance at a normal learning time Sad

for background: Religious family, scriptures all around the house, not one picture because it's idolatry. Kids in public school because parents can't afford religious school.

Help me be DKZ in case I see her again!!

aidelmaidel

Wed, Sep 29 2010, 1:30 pm

It's impossible to know what is going on behind the scenes when you're not there.

It could be the mother was just having a hard day.

It could be the father is abusive and it's taking it's toll on everyone in the house.

It could be the baby has been up.

It could be the son is not doing homework with the parents (as passive agressive) and is being an angel with you (which would infuriate me as a parent as well).

It could be he is not living up to his potential and that's infuriating also as a parent.

I don't know if any of these are correct, but they are all Dan l'chaf zechus.

life'sgreat ↓

Wed, Sep 29 2010, 2:15 pm

Is there anyone that you can contact regarding this family in general? While AidelMaidel is right that it's impossible to know, it seems to me it's way more than a hard day. A hard day doesn't teach a child to call themselves imbeciles etc...

↑ Ruchel ↓

Sat, Oct 02 2010, 2:26 pm

I checked my phone and she didn't call me back yet. Rolling Eyes

Yups ↓

Sat, Oct 02 2010, 3:49 pm

It was very sad to read your post.

A teenage girl should not be up all night with the baby, but the mother could be sick, or the father could be the authoritative, power-driven force influencing the mother to behave this way, thereby putting the stress on the girl. It seems like an unfortunate, very inappropriate situation. Regardless of what is going on behind the scenes, if someone is sick, abusive, any other judging favorably suggestion, this family and the kids need help. What I'm trying to say is, yes, of course you (we) need to be dan L'chaf Z'chus, but regardless of that, whatever is happening on the surface needs to be given adequate attention, it is clear that this is not a normal situation on the surface and support and help is needed.

I'm a specialized tutor also, and from that perspective this does seem a little odd, so what I would do is consult an older, more experienced person in my field, like a mentor, or even a Rabbi, for advice on what to do.

KAlex

Sat, Oct 02 2010, 4:31 pm

Are you absolutely sure it's not big sister's baby? It still doesn't sound like a great way to treat her, but might explain why the mother thinks looking after the baby is the 16 year old's job.

This does sound difficult - hatzlacha.

↑ Ruchel ↓

Sat, Oct 02 2010, 5:28 pm

I hope she'll pay me and I won't have to start threatening...

Maybe it's the girl's baby, though the girl is skinny skinny and not developed looking, and the mom said she has three kids. If it's her baby I don't know if she would still be in school because she would have gone through crazy bullying, also it's an ultra religious family so for sure they would hide it...

It's a good idea to discuss it with my rav.

ValleyMom

Sat, Oct 02 2010, 11:42 pm

Wow.
Stuff happens like this even in France??!
Who knew
;-0

↑ Ruchel ↓

Sun, Oct 03 2010, 5:25 am

I think everywhere, no?

↑ Ruchel ↓

Tue, Oct 05 2010, 8:54 am

Crazy mom called me.

She was clear: she wants to hire me, but I need to stop being nice, asking him if he prefers starting by this or that, complimenting because he'll think he doesn't need to work (so not true). I also need to give him tons of work to do, and books to read.

OYSH. I said ok because I want him to have at least a nice teacher... Sad

I'll compliment out of her earshot if she stops being around us like a hawk, and I'll discuss books with him and try to get him interested to read, but I won't be pushing anything more on this poor soul.

↑ life'sgreat ↓

Tue, Oct 05 2010, 11:25 am

Ruchel wrote:

I think you should have made a stipulation that you will teach him but without her around. I think it's a normal request (if worded correctly).

yo'ma ↓

Tue, Oct 05 2010, 11:28 am

Ruchel wrote:

She was clear: she wants to hire me, but I need to stop being nice, asking him if he prefers starting by this or that, complimenting because he'll think he doesn't need to work (so not true). I also need to give him tons of work to do, and books to read.

OYSH. I said ok because I want him to have at least a nice teacher... Sad

It's always best to be nice, but strict. My dd always says she likes those teachers the best Wink

↑ Ruchel ↓

Tue, Oct 05 2010, 11:32 am

It will be very hard for me to not praise and not give reasonable, non important choices. My dad wants me to not have the stress and to just quit but I want to do it for the kid's sake.

↑ Ruchel ↓

Tue, Oct 12 2010, 3:07 pm

She dumped me by email LOL

She's found a teacher with a similar "hashkafa" and she'll be sending my check through the post LOL

↑ yo'ma

Tue, Oct 12 2010, 5:26 pm

At least she paid you. Hopefully he'll learn well with the new teacher. Hatzlacha with more teacher searching!

↑ life'sgreat ↓

Tue, Oct 12 2010, 8:07 pm

Ruchel wrote:

She dumped me by email LOL

She's found a teacher with a similar "hashkafa" and she'll be sending my check through the post LOL

That's, um sad. By the way, have you thought of alerting someone from their community to at least have a look and see if the children are ok in that home?

↑ Ruchel ↓

Wed, Oct 13 2010, 1:23 pm

I'm waiting for the check...

BH I have been finding more students than I can manage! LOL

I'm not sure who to warn. I don't want people thinking I'm anti her religion or starting conflicts between her and my community who get along very well. But yes I'm thinking of "doing something". Not sure what.

↑ Yups ↓

Wed, Oct 13 2010, 2:52 pm

maybe you know what school he goes to and you can speak with the menahel, or ask your rav, he may know the family. or if you happen to know who any of their neighbors are, you may ask if they know who the family's rav is.

↑ life'sgreat

Thu, Oct 14 2010, 9:09 am

Ruchel wrote:

I'm waiting for the check...

BH I have been finding more students than I can manage! LOL

I don't think this is connected to religion at all. These children seem to be suffering.

↑ Ruchel ↓

Thu, Oct 14 2010, 9:17 am

Yups they're not Jewish and they send to public school as they cannot afford any private school, they already don't pay taxes.

It's not about religion but it's not easy doing it without seeming to point finger at their religion/culture, which includes being strict for example.

I'm still searching a way.

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