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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim

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PinkandYellow ↓

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 1:17 am

Am I the only one here working on Purim Crying

? I'm really sad about it. I will still get to the seuda by 4 o'clock and my coworkers are trying to set up a megilla reading in the morning but still... And I don't know what to do with my baby. My sil is making a seuda and has her own son so she will be cooking and in the kitchen all day and my husband has decided he will get drunk like all the past years (this is our 4th purim together) but then can't really watch ds. he refuses to accept that this year we have a baby and he has a responsibility and I understand bec he wants to have fun too. I asked work if I can bring in ds they said no. I asked dh to bring baby to me by walk or cab like 2/3 hrs b\4 the end of the day (that I don't think my work will mind) but he said he won't trust himself to leave the house with ds.
Any ideas or suggestions? (sorry so long but I'm so sad)
Crying

LubavitchLeah ↓

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 1:39 am

"my husband has decided he will get drunk like all the past years but then can't really watch ds. he refuses to accept that this year we have a baby and he has a responsibility and I understand bec he wants to have fun too"

I am sorry:(((
It seems you are behaving like a responsible adult here, working, trying to JUGGLE family. Is this an isolated incident with your husband, not shouldering family responsibility but being perhaps selfish?

↑ PinkandYellow ↓

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 1:42 am

No, normally he's so good and responsible and takes care of baby excellently. But all the other married guys get drunk and are able to enjoy themselves. The big diff is I'm working. And he feels like why should he lose out.

↑ LubavitchLeah

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 1:46 am

B"H its an isolate incident. You feel very sad that you cannot share this Chag with your baby/hubby/ family, at least part of it. Parnasa truly cuts into our life in this world. IYH you can connect meaningfully with the Chag, at later points in your day as well as with the family. I am sure you will both come up with a plan for your baby:)
Hatzlacha

red sea

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 9:46 am

What do you usually do with your baby when you go to work?

amother ↓

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 10:23 am

can u take off a day of work to be with your baby?

1stimer

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 10:58 am

Quote:

. And he feels like why should he lose out.

b/c he's lucky enough to be a father to a beautiful (I'm assuming) baby.

Can you take the day of as annual leave?

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 11:00 am

Or take it as a sick day - Mental Health day! I do that once in a while when I just really need a break.

gryp ↓

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 11:43 am

Quote:

The big diff is I'm working. And he feels like why should he lose out.

so tell HIM to go to work instead of you, and let HIM figure out what to do with HIS own son, and youll be the one to stay home to relax and have fun!
he cannot shun responsibility just because he wants to have fun. yes, its Purim, but his son needs a father on Purim too.
he thinks it isnt fair? tough luck, he's a parent.
why does he think its fair that you will have to watch your son all day without being able to rely on him for help?
why does he think its okay to dump this all on you? is parnassah and taking care of HIS son all YOUR responsibility?
he wants an off day? well, you probably want one too.
something is wrong here, and I think you need a serious discussion about this.

realeez

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 11:46 am

If it is so important to him to get drunk tell him to wait until 4 pm to do it. You are working for your family - not just for yourself.

↑ amother ↓

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 11:55 am

sometimes I feel like it's not worth it to post asking for advice re your husband, because people's comments can really effect the already shaky shalom bayis Rolling Eyes

↑ amother

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 12:18 pm

GR-AGREED 100%!
However it seems amother knows already she has underlying issues with her husbands immaturity, in the already shaky shalom bayis comment. Obviously these comments simply reinforce her own dormant sentiments however if its not openly discussed and the can of worms not let out so to speak, as kids grow, bigger issues arise, the shalom bayis issue then will be a WAY bigger issue CV.

shoy18

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 12:23 pm

I second the sick day, do you have a set amount of sick days you are allowed?

If its not possible, maybe ask some of your friends who might have babysitters that arent jewish who you might use for the day since most people are home anyway and dont need the extra help, but still have to pay them.

↑ gryp

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 12:24 pm

sorry to have come out so harsh, but these things really bother me.
and she said its an isolated incident, so I thought I should be forceful. if it was an ungoing problem, I would have worded it differently.

Quote:

something is wrong here, and I think you need a serious discussion about this.

this is what I think should happen as soon as possible. today.

the rest of it was just things the original poster could say during the discussion. Wink

original poster- let me ask you, what would your husband do if it was mikvah night?

nicole81

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 12:33 pm

because they are making you work on purim, is it possible that they can make an exception and allow you to bring ds in? I don't work on purim but I do know that for those of my coworkers that come in, it's more of an informal day.

also, is it possible to take a sick day?

Mommy912 ↓

Mon, Mar 06 2006, 12:50 pm

Just wondering: do you work in a frum place? I know of places that are frum where everyone wants to take off - and they need some people to be there.

↑ PinkandYellow ↓

Tue, Mar 07 2006, 5:52 am

Quote:

I know of places that are frum where everyone wants to take off - and they need some people to be there.

Mommy912 has the idea. I work for a jewish co with alot of ppl wanting purim off. also its not an option for me to take off bec I'm taking pesach off. And they already said I can't bring in baby.

I hear where the shtark approach mite work but my dh does watch baby every friday and otherwise learns 5 full days a week and would like purim off as well. And I'm not sure that I want to make a "shalom bayis issue" over this. is it that important?

Maybe I will tell him its ok if he drinks but 1st he has to bring baby to someone who is willing to watch him (one other kollel wife volunteered but doesn't live in yerushalayim).
TY

supermom

Tue, Mar 07 2006, 6:41 am

do what I did that might help. my husband learns and takes care of my kids in the morning dresses, feeds, and gets them to school, but still no excuse not to be responsible. one year he got so drunk that he didn't bother calling me and let alone missed the bus that he had to be on that would have brought him home at 8:15. I was hysterical didn't know where he went couldn't get a hold of his friends. and better yet at about nine o'clock I heard from someone that his friends had a fight with some arabs that they landed in the police department I was going crazy and not to mention that I was pregnant to so that didn't help things.(by the way he wasn't with those friends at the end thank goodness for small miracles) Thank goodness I was able to reach one of his close friends about eleven o'clock and he stayed on the phone with me talking and calming me down until the bus arrived at twelve and in walks my husband all smiles as if nothing happened!!! Twisted Evil

He figured that he will have a good time. I thought I would strangle him didn't he know that he had responsibilities at home especially to me his wife!!!

I told him I was sorry but the next year he is not going any where defintly not to make me miserable waiting around for him knowing he will get drunk. Some times a guy needs to know where his limits are. I am sorry but purim is not a day to just let yourself go and think that the world still doesn't continue on. If you need to work than he should be the one responsible to not get drunk and take care of his child. there is still the seuda that he can get drunk by if need be.

jmho.

lucky

Wed, Mar 08 2006, 10:03 am

I think it is a matter of RESPONSIBILITY. She is not going to work because she wants to. But maybe it is good to be a doormat for the sake of sholom bayis Rolling Eyes

chen

Wed, Mar 08 2006, 12:01 pm

I think the principal issue in this specific circumstance is not shlom bayis at all but the safety and well-being of the child. with papa shikker (drunk), who's watching the baby? she must make it very clear to dh that baby's safety is the number one priority that supersedes his "right" to celebrate. If he doubts that, let him ask his rov--or else let him hire and pay for a caregiver for the baby for the day.

You have to be a shtarker where your baby's safety is at stake.

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