Why lie? | Imamother

amother ↓

Mon, Jun 15 2009, 10:46 pm

My 8 year old son is a chronic liar. He makes up tall tales - such as My Rebbe took us to Astroland today, when it is not true. A few months ago, I saw that he had a lot of coins in his briefcase. He told me that he had saved all the money that I had given him for tzeddaka in school. I told him then that the money I give him for tzeddaka is only for tzeddaka. Since then I have not given him tzeddaka for school.
Today I got a call from his Rebbe that my son brought seven dollars to school and was giving it to another boy to buy him some nosh. The Rebbe asked for the money and my son said that he no longer had it.The Rebbe also said that previously my son brought seventy-five cents to school and asked another boy to buy him something, which he did and that other boy kept the change.
My husband and I spoke to our son, who cried and kept changing the story so we don't really know exactly what happened. My 6 year old said that she sees my son taking money from the pushka some mornings. And my son claims that he found the money on the bus and cannot tell us exactly where it is now.
We told him if he feels he needs something, he needs to ask and that he is a good boy but he has an issue with lying and stealing that he needs to work on. And that he also cannot ride his bike for a week.

My question is, "Is this abnormal 8 year old behavior and why would a child act like this?" He is a popular, smart boy at the top of his class.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jun 16 2009, 1:22 am

Im sry ur going through this im having the same problem and my son is 11 I spoke to someone that said this is the stage kids go through diffrent stages. im also wondering what I can do about this im thinking of going to parenting classes maybe they can help me with the problems that im going through.but hang in there hopefully he will change right away.

grin ↓

Tue, Jun 16 2009, 2:48 am

no, I don't think it's normal for a school-aged child to lie like this or to steal money. It can be a signal that he's missing positive attention form his parents. You should discipline him as I said you are to let him know that such behavior is unacceptable, but OTOH, find a way for both you and your dh to shower him with individual positive attention on a regular basis - a walk in the park, special cuddling at bed-time, maybe some hobby or such with his Abba.

↑ grin

Tue, Jun 16 2009, 5:12 am

a child will also lie when he's afraid of unusually severe punishment, or that he will simply get away with the lies and escape punishment whereas lying is not punished. It should be the other way around - that the punishment for lying is clearly more severe than not.

btMOMtoFFBs

Tue, Jun 16 2009, 5:46 am

OP, when I took the Simi Yellen parenting class, she recommended NOT punishing a child if they admit to something and tell you the truth. This will encourage kids to feel safe to tell their parents the truth.

This still gives you the opportunity to discuss right and wrong with your son, he just doesn't get a consequence for his actions if he is totally honest with you about what he did.

Also, sounds like your son really wants some spending money. Would you be open to giving him an allowance. Maybe then he wouldn't feel the need to steal. Are there any little jobs in your home he can do to earn a couple of bucks to buy himself some nosh in school?

I'm sure there are many good chinuch experts you can go to for more guidance. Good luck.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jun 16 2009, 3:51 pm

OP here. He lies about little things in general too, like that he did his homework, etc. We do try to give him positive attention and he is doing well in school. There is nothing unusual going on at home. Me and dh get along fine and are a normal family. He is the oldest.
Me and dh are straight as a rod, very honest.
I have a degree, am home when my kids get home, and honestly don't think I need parenting classes. I need advice, though about this specific issue.
I really want to hear from mothers of school age children, not newlyweds or people with babies.
We discussed giving him spending money for learning mishnayos. I don't believe in paying kids to help in the house, because that is expected.
It may be an issue that I have very limited nosh. I tell my kids I will buy them healthy nosh and they don't always want it.
He is a big nosher and seems to want money for that.

↑ amother ↓

Tue, Jun 16 2009, 9:44 pm

it sounds like this is his way of asserting his individuality being that it seems you run a real structured home with limited nosh ect. I would sit down and discuss with him that lying and stealing are unacceptable as well as asertaining how to develope his ability to "earn" money be it by mishnyos or xtra work round the house as well as developing skills on if the nosh he wants pays as appose to saving up for something larger
lying about going to astroland homework ect is a cry for ATTENTION He has a subconcious desire to be caalled on his lies calling attention to this otherwise good firstborn child

costanza

Tue, Jun 16 2009, 9:59 pm

I wonder if it's so deep or if he's just a kid that wants stuff? His behavior doesn't sound so out of the ordinary to me. Yes, he shouldn't lie and he should't steal. But the fact that he's lying to cover up his little indiscretions means that he knows it's wrong.

I also don't think you can expect an 8 year old to appreciate what tzedakah is really about. To him it's more of an abstract concept - not necessarily more important than a chocolate bar.

I'd tell him something like this: "Shmueli, I know what you've been doing. I know you've used the tzedakah money I gave you to buy nosh. I won't give you any more money for anything if I know you use it for something you're not supposed to. I've told your teacher and he knows to look out for you when you do this. If you can go for 3 days and not lie and you give the money to your rebbe like you're supposed to then I'll get you a treat."

And I'd follow through. I know there are people out there that are only into the healthy snacks, but some kids get nuts knowing what's out there and they have nothing but granola bars. A few cookies or candies won't kill him. If anything, it'll stop him from becoming so pre-occupied about it.

↑ amother

Tue, Jun 16 2009, 11:04 pm

op here. Thanks everyone for the advice. So today I contacted my son's friend's mother. She said that yesterday my son did give her son seven dollars and asked him to buy a watch. She also told me that my son has asked him for nosh in the past and given him money. So I asked her to send the money back and to tell her son that he cannot take any money from my son.
My son had asked me for a watch last week, and I said maybe for his birthday, which is in february. I guess it seemed like it was too long to wait so he took matters into his own hands.
Today my son could not ride his bike, and he came home with 30 cents. He claimed a boy in his class gave it to him. I drove him to the boy's house to give it back. I also told him he must bring home the 7 dollars tomorrow.
We did have a long talk and I told him that he is such a good boy, but needs to work on this area. We discussed snacks he could have and I made him popcorn this morning as he requested. And I told him that sometimes he may want things and he needs to think of better ways to get things, so we brainstormed.
We do try to give each of our kids attention individually.
I hope this will stop. Thanks, everyone.