Teen girl getting married off early

chocolate moose

Wed, Apr 26 2006, 8:25 am

Good friends of our, BT’s who keep themselves on an extremely high level, have a daughter with a history: she sneaks off to clubs with boys (and I don’t know what else) and I hear she has been kicked out of at least two chassidische high schools.

Last I heard, she was “going out” on shidduchim; guess her parents feel it’s safer to marry her off.

It’s not my business, but I think it’s sort of sad…..she’ll be 18 in two months; what kind of guy will be interested in her, what kind of life will she lead? She still has so much living and growing to do….

seniormom

Wed, Apr 26 2006, 9:22 am

I find this shidduch business soooo frustrating. Here's this "bummy girl" who will probably find a shidduch (with someone who also has a history, or worse, with someone whose parents didn't get all the the info) and yet I know of many situations of "good" girls (and boys too) who have trouble findidng shidduchim because of a parent's divorce or illness, or because they use plastic tablecloths, and other shtusim Exclamation

amother

Wed, Apr 26 2006, 9:27 am

Someone very close to us had a son who was going off the derech and his parents decided the solution was to marry him off. Fast forward 2.5 years into the marriage and he has just left his wife and 1 year old baby and dropped all religion. Sometimes what seems like a solution at the time is only very temporary and by marrying the kid off, it just hurts more people - what's the point?

DefyGravity

Wed, Apr 26 2006, 9:30 am

SeniorMom said:

Quote:

Who are you to decide who's bummy? Just because your own perception views someone as "undeserving" doesn't mean that this is so.

In addition, how do you know that this "bummy" girl's marriage is going to turn out to be so peachy? Marriage isn't always the best option for certain people at certain chapters in their life. Especially people that are confused and don't know what they want and are forced into a marriage by parents that don't know better.

I'm sure that these good girls that you speak of, would rather get married at the right time. Marriage isn't a race, and shouldn't be viewed as such. It's not a prize given out to the best davener, chesed girl, etc.

southernbubby

Wed, Apr 26 2006, 9:35 am

Hi seniormom,
Most likely anyone who sees that she is only 18 and on the shidduch market will realize that she didn't get into sem or take a teaching job. The two schools that bounced her won't exactly give good references on her. Any boy who meets her will see that she has been around. Even bummy boys want virtuous girls! Most likely, she will be scraping the bottom of the barrel for a shidduch and will have to settle for someone that I would not be envious of. I am surprised that she would even be willing to go out with someone that her parents pick! This kid and her folks are in a real sticky situation and unless she meets a boy on her own, the shidduch world will be very rejecting.

ektsm

Wed, Apr 26 2006, 10:00 am

I think if she gets married young she will have a high chance of getting a divorce. It's not easy for these girls because they are sort of displaced. Maybe her parents can help her stabalize her life by encouraging her to get a job and hang out with a better crowd.

chocolate moose

Wed, Apr 26 2006, 10:10 am

I used the term "bummy" since it's a short way to describe the situation in the post; our subject lines do not have a ton of room in them!

And no, I'm not judging anyone. I'm commenting. There's a big difference.

First of all, as far as my own situation, yes I'm not that thrilled with the way my son is turning out, but he's not hanging with girls and even so, the rules are different for boy than for girls; if he was s-xually active, perhaps we would encourage him to marry.

But boys are not girls!!!!!

And anyway, yes, I fear for both of their futures, and for any kids they'd have.........

seniormom

Wed, Apr 26 2006, 10:21 am

Southernbubby, I hope you're right about ppl being so discerning...but most probably she will prefer to make her own choices!

I guess I was just venting because I keep hearing from mothers with really nice daughters that they have so much trouble even getting dates, let alone finding the right one. I've attended several "shidduch meetings" and there are always scores of girls being presented. Some of them are fine bais yaakov types, who have never even been close to going off the derech...some have used their time wisely, getting college degrees and establishing careers...they have so much to offer. The few boys (men) presented often have BIG issues.

Also, I don't know how it is in your neck of the woods...maybe there are better values...but here in NY area too many ppl are preoccupied with the most irrelevant minutiae...as I said: shtusim! that have nothing to do with whether the two young ppl could have a happy marriage and build a bayis ne'eman b'yisroel.

I know alot of other ppl have written and spoken of this, so I don't take any personal credit, but we as a community really have to find a better solution to this shidduch situation.

(Of course, all of this doesn't refer to the chassidim who hold by parents making the decision and then meeting each other once or twice. That seems to be working fine for them...but it's not a solution for the rest of the frum comunity.)

happyone

Wed, Apr 26 2006, 1:01 pm

Firstly, you may not know the complete picture. Parents might know what's best for their child and her needs.
Secondly, nothing wrong with an eighteen year old getting married. In the chassidishe circles that age is very normal to start listening to shidduchim, and no, the divorce rate is no higher due to age. (you're not talking about a fifteen sixteen year old.)
I happen to know of such a scenario, someone in my community was hanging out with boys, trying out EVERYTHING there was to try out (physically), her distraught parents married her off before the street could be up with it, in this case, the girl settled down, and is raising a fine family etc... all she needed was love, independance, and a man in her life. This doesnt always have such a happy ending, however, it's not anyone's place to judge the parents, or mix in for that matter.

Tefila

Wed, Apr 26 2006, 2:18 pm

Quote:

It’s not my business, but I think it’s sort of sad…..she’ll be 18 in two months; what kind of guy will be interested in her,

The same type or one who can see past her faults and is willing to grow with her. I mean lets face it her parents rebelled by coming bt she is rebelling in another way. The apple doesn't fall from the tree. Besides not all is lost very sad but not disastrous.
Besides I have a problem labeling a anyone bummy.... or is it just me and my old fashioned ideas Confused

MommyLuv

Wed, Apr 26 2006, 8:00 pm

Hey pple, you really dont know the inside story....maybe SaraG does, but for all we know this wayward girl could be on her way back to a stable, mature lifetsyle...

not to be crude, but sometimes (with the right guy etc) a girl who's been around the block experimenting with inappropriate behavior will grow up very fast after being married, having a kosher outlet for her raging hormones and need for male affection, and the realization what life;s all about. it doesnt always work, but there is a reason lots of parents like to marry their kids off young! to a certain extent, it keeps them out of trouble-you cant argue with that!

personally, if it were my kid, I would encourage her to go get a degree at a good school or a job, and straighten out her life a bit, or maybe send her to a sem with a good record for helping girls at risk,,, but hey, everyone's different...

I wish her and her parents lotsa luck navigating the market...

shock

southernbubby

Wed, Apr 26 2006, 8:15 pm

Tefila, you said the magic words WILLING TO GROW. If she were to marry someone who was going to keep her at the level she in on, she would not accomplish much by marrying now. She obviously needs to look for someone who wants to move up in yiddishkeit.

Motek

Thu, Apr 27 2006, 9:32 am

southernbubby wrote:

Even bummy boys want virtuous girls!

And they often get them, with or without the girls knowing what they've done Mad

Quote:

having a kosher outlet for her raging hormones

do you really buy that "raging hormones" bit? Confused