sensitive child | Imamother

amother

Mon, Jan 09 2006, 2:01 pm

my son is very sensitive. he never used to be. only recently he's become.
he cries if my husband yells at him for doing something wrong. he says things like "you hurt me" or "youre angry at me" and associates being angry with not being loved. he gets very down and doesnt enjoy spending time with his father. he's 3 yrs old.
does anyone have any experience with this? I dont know how to handle it.

happymom

Mon, Jan 09 2006, 4:13 pm

Quote:

he cries if my husband yells at him for doing something wrong. he says things like "you hurt me" or "youre angry at me" and associates being angry with not being loved

I think anyone would react like this when yelled at. I don't think it means your son is any more sensitive then any other child. Its very important that when a child is reprimanded for doing something wrong that its done in a loving way. The child should be told for example... "tatty loves you very much, and you are such a good boy! So make sure you listen to your yeitzer tov and not your yeitzer harah that tells you to do the wrong thing! With this type of approach, the child realizes that his behavior was wrong, Not that HE is bad, and doesn't feel unloved.

also, if whenever your husband catches you son doing something positive he praises him and shows him attention, then the reprimanding times wont be as bad because he will know he is loves and given attention for his positive behavior. maybe your husband does this already??

yelling is scary, especially for a child. they cant really listen (just like most of us when yelled at) IT is much more effective if they are spoken to firmly, without yelling.

amother

Mon, Jan 09 2006, 5:10 pm

let me be more specific:
tonight my son wanted more salad. so I told him you first have to finish what you have.
so he grabbed the spoon to help himself, I held his hand firmly and said no. in a calm firm voice.
he burst into tears and fled under the kitchen table, where he sat sobbing his heart out for 2 min. finally when he came out he came out he said he's not eating anymore b/c he's mad at me.

I dont think I did anything wrong, yet he reacted so strongly.

to answer some of your questions:
with other kids he's gentle. and though he wont let himself be picked on, he does get upset when one of the boys says something not nice to him.

he does throw things when he's upset this goes together with the "you hurt me now I'm mad" which I would classify as a tantrum.

his father is working very hard on bettering his techniques and has come a long way. though they could use more quality time together.
he cries not just when yelled at but anytime he's disciplined even in a calm way or if I have to say no he cant do something.

I used to blame it on being tired, b/c thats how he acted like as if he was tired and cranky. but its been going on for a few weeks already.

happymom

Mon, Jan 09 2006, 5:12 pm

hm... how is his teacher at school? It sounds to me like he has a very low self image... it might help to find out why that is so that it can be worked on. If its not coming from home, and its not coming from school.. and cant see why he has developed a low self esteem, I think speaking to a profeesional about this would be a good diea. pm me if youd like to know of someone you can speak to!

timeout

Mon, Jan 09 2006, 6:46 pm

Does he get enough sleep? There was a study done in Penn State University that said toddlers today are not getting the sleep they need according to there age.

Also the pressures that are put on children today in pre-school are tremendous learning and behavior wise I would definitely speak to the teacher and see how the class is run and if he enjoys it.

In regards to your husband it's wonderful to hear that he is working on his parenting skills most husbands after work don't even have the energy to think or to think of there words before they come out, maybe your husband should set aside some Tatty and son time so they can bond in a non stressful environment like reading a story or playing a game just the two of them.

amother

Mon, Jan 09 2006, 10:08 pm

I can totally understand your son.

When I was a child I was also cryng alot and felt very sad.. I am also very sensitive. Sensitive children take things more to heart and are affected much more by negative remarks, and things like yelling.
I realize now it is because my house was negative and my mother would yell at me when I did something wrong. what I needed was love, and understanding. I needed reassurance that I was a good girl, was loved and couldnt handle the yelling.
When a child hears yelling or they are spoken to in a not nice way they dont become better they think my parents hate me! all they hear is the yelling.
I remember one time I was put into my room- all I thought was I hate my father. consequences must be done but with love and the child has to understand it.

When I taught kindergarded one child went home and told her mother, My morah punished me, I had to sit by myself because I was being unsafe but she loves me and only did it because I was being dangerous.

Thats what kids need to feel when they are being "punished" Your son is obviously not understanding hings and is just thinking he is bad, noone loves him Of course you need to be firm and if you say something stick to it but your son is reacting to other things that are going on. Everything is connected He may react to something perfectly normal in a bad way because of something else that is bothering me.

The Book
HOW TO TALK TO KIDS SO KIDS WILL LISTEN AND LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALKwill help you with all of this and say it far better than I can and I highly suggest your husband read it

you can either make or break a child. Sometimes it is not the parents fault they just dont understand their child like in my parents case, they just thought I was way too sensitive and how no clue how to dea with me or what to say.....

all I needed was lots of love assurance and hugs......

anyway good luck and the book is amazing and will REALLY HELP!!

amother

Mon, Jan 09 2006, 10:16 pm

Just to add to what I said it could be that somone is bothering him in school, or a teacher.. you never know I would sit down with him and really find out what is bothering him and tell hiom how much you love hoim and have you and your husband hug him and talk to him and tell him everything will be ok, and how it is so hard to be a child... and he is soo good and so caring and find all his good qualities and tell him how proud you are of him and every morning tell him a compliment to brighten his day, put surprises into his lunch, have your husband write him mitzva notes end the mitzva notes with Mommy and Tatty Love you so much!!!!!and speak to his teachers and find out what is going on and if anything is happening in school........
I taught preschool I cannot tell you how it brightened up their day when the mitzva note said what a good dpecial boy they are and how Mommy and Tatty love their son....

ektsm

Sun, Feb 05 2006, 1:07 pm

Maybe he's just going through a difficult time. Do you have other children? He might just be crying out for some attention. I would just try to give him some of his own private attention away from other siblings. I did that with one of my children who was having trouble in school at a young age. I took a few sunday's and devoted it to her and she felt much better. During that time we discussed her feelings and I gave her lots of self-reassurance. It made a big difference however, not a total turn around.