Shidduch with guy who was the class thief

amother

Tue, May 07 2024, 5:58 pm

Dd was redt a shidduch with a guy who was in ds's class through 8th grade. At the time this kid was known as the one who stole money from other kids knapsacks, at least up to age 12. He even stole from a school tzedaka collection. If we didn't know him from before, it would sound like a great shidduch. Should we go ahead, or once a thief always a thief??

amother

IndianRed

Tue, May 07 2024, 6:04 pm

I’d want to know why he was stealing and if that reason affects him now. Was it impulsivity? Trauma?

amother

Jean

Tue, May 07 2024, 6:04 pm

You definitely need to look more into it.

If this was a phase that he worked through, or it was kleptomania that he treated, it's very different than if he still has that reputation. I'd ask some very direct questions and not accept vague answers.

AlwaysCleaning

Tue, May 07 2024, 6:07 pm

Agree with prev posters, you def need to get to the root of his stealing. Did he not have food to eat and stole money to buy food?

Also I suggest consulting your LOR
Hatzlacha!

amother

Carnation

Tue, May 07 2024, 6:22 pm

I was like that as a kid. Really not sure why I did it but it didn’t continue past elementary school and it’s definitely not who I am now.

justforfun87

Tue, May 07 2024, 6:44 pm

I wrote a whole post about my 12 year old son who would definitely never do this and I would be very wary of kids that did. Then I remembered I know tons of guys who went off the derech during their teen years and somehow ended up flipping out and marrying stellar girls. I would still investigate.

amother

Daffodil

Tue, May 07 2024, 6:47 pm

I definitely wouldn’t assume once a thief always a thief need to be dlkz BUT doesn’t mean you need to do the shidduch either. Im of the belief when you know something its because Hashem wants you to know. Some other girl will not know this about his past and it will be a non issue. But knowing this I personally wouldn’t take a chance.

amother

Mulberry

Tue, May 07 2024, 7:13 pm

I stole until I was once caught at age 16. Then I stopped cold Turkey.

(I had a hard upbringing but bH with good mentors and family I have had good role models and am now a fully honest person.)

amother

cornflower

Tue, May 07 2024, 7:15 pm

Some kids outgrow it. Some do not. You need to do serious research. Which is difficult, so if you don’t feel desperate I’d move on to more straightforward prospects.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, May 07 2024, 7:24 pm

My son is that boy. He had ADHD and impulsivity and stealing became a new expression of these conditions. We changed therapists, got him on a better prescription and haven't had issues in many months, bh bh. He is a young teen, so I'm hopeful that we are past this, but am constantly trying to be aware of his behaviors and dealing with issues as they come up immediately.

If I were you, I would try to find out how the family dealt with the issues. Hatzlacha

amother

Wed, May 08 2024, 5:26 am

I just wanted to add, I should not have framed my question "once a thief always a thief?"

I am well aware people can and do change. But the real question is, do we take that chance? I received some very sound replies. Thank you!

amother

Pistachio

Wed, May 08 2024, 5:52 am

amother OP wrote:

The questions one should ask are, why did he steal? External reasons, poverty, mental or emotional issues?
The other question is, was the issue adressed or treated in some way? And of course, has it stopped?

abound

Wed, May 08 2024, 5:57 am

find out if he did it in high school, bais medrash etc.
Also maybe have someone ask him directly if he stopped.

Comptroller

Wed, May 08 2024, 7:39 am

My friend's daughters stole from friends and in stores to get sweets and candies they would not get at home.

I would not reject them as a shidduch because of that.

amother

cornflower

Wed, May 08 2024, 7:49 am

Comptroller wrote:

My friend's daughters stole from friends and in stores to get sweets and candies they would not get at home.

I would not reject them as a shidduch because of that.

We didn’t grow up with candy. That’s not an excuse to steal. Never occurred to me to do that, it’s a boundary I would never cross. I know many others who didn’t get candy at home and also would never steal.