If you’re having guests, watch over your children

amother

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 11:03 am

If you’re having guests for pesach, or being a guest for that matter, do not leave your children unsupervised! Doesn’t matter if it’s relatives or friends or if the children are old enough to be unsupervised. Every pesach I get a flashback to when I was 8 years old. My parents invited family friends for the whole pesach. They had kids different ages and so did my family, but no babies or toddlers. So after every seudah when the adults went to take a nap, the guest’s 12 year old son took me to the shed behind our house and molested me Sad

I never told anyone and im sure my parents and his parents would be shocked if they ever found out. We can never be too careful.
Please watch over your children

138

tichellady

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 11:07 am

I’m so sorry that happened to you.

I don’t agree with the idea that you can never be too careful. I think kids do need some independence and freedom to develop into healthy adults. Of course there should be safeguards in place and honest discussions about zxual safety etc

gottago

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 11:12 am

You know how all the adults are schmoozing in one room and the kids are somewhere else? The experts say that it's important to check on them every 15-30 minutes. Do a head count, make sure they know that you're checking on them.

amother

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 11:13 am

tichellady wrote:

Of course they need independence, but if you have guests at least the adults should take turns napping so someone is supervising the kids. Someone should be in charge of knowing where the kids are at all times

amother

Hyacinth

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 11:31 am

OP, agree 100%, I know someone who was molested by a bochur who was a regular Shabbos guest. She went otd, intermarried... Only through hypnosis did they eventually find it.
This story really affected the way I brought up my children. We have guests but I don't invite them to stay after meals. We rarely have guests sleep over and I stay up Shabbos afternoon. I also go check up on my kids when they have friends always offering them snacks so I can see what's happening.

giftedmom

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 11:38 am

Were you taught body safety? Why did you never tell anyone?
I don’t think it’s physically possible to always have your eyes on your kids without hindering their development.
But you can teach them what isn’t okay behavior and to tell someone. You can also be careful with whom you allow into your home and access to your kids.
I think the previous generation was pretty oblivious to all of this.

DrMom

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 11:46 am

tichellady wrote:

I agree with this.

I want to raise kids who are independent and confident, not paranoid. Constant parental hovering undermines this objective.

weasley

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 11:57 am

DrMom wrote:

I agree with this.

I want to raise kids who are independent and confident, not paranoid. Constant parental hovering undermines this objective.

I don't agree. My kids are independent and confident. I keep checking on them if we have people over, I just go the entrance of the room they're in and keep an ear and eye out, they don't know I'm coming so it doesn't impact them in anyway.

tichellady

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

That’s not the same as saying “ you can never be too careful”. I think being too careful has its own issues

amother

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:07 pm

DrMom wrote:

I agree with this.

I want to raise kids who are independent and confident, not paranoid. Constant parental hovering undermines this objective.

I didn’t mean parents should hover. I’m just saying you should know where your kids are at all times and check up on them. Going for an afternoon nap for hours with guests roaming your house is a bad idea

amother

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:09 pm

giftedmom wrote:

No I was never taught body safety, and I didn’t tell my mother because I was scared and embarrassed and my mother wasn’t the kind of person who encouraged open conversations but that’s besides the point

amother

Poppy

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:17 pm

Thanks for the psa OP, I hope you’ve had time to heal from this, and I agree, you can never be too careful.
And people, surely our kids feeling we’re hovering is BY FAR the lesser of two evils here?!?

giftedmom

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

I would argue that it isn’t besides the point at all. These are crucial parts of protecting our kids even more than keeping our eyes on them.

tichellady

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:22 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I would argue that it isn’t besides the point at all. These are crucial parts of protecting our kids even more than keeping our eyes on them.

I agree

amother

Peachpuff

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:29 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I would argue that it isn’t besides the point at all. These are crucial parts of protecting our kids even more than keeping our eyes on them.

Exactly. Teaching about body saftey, what's allowed or not, and making it clear that they can come tell you anything is way healthier and probably more effective then overprotectiveness.
Ever heard Avremi Zippel's story? What I love about his message isn't that you need to stand guard over your children 24/7, but more about carefully teaching them the rules of safety.

amother

Peachpuff

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

Actually, that's not beside the point at all. That's a huge part of the story.
Not trying to hurt you OP, I'm genuinely sorry. I'm an abuse survivor too. I just feel that it's important to put the whole thing into prospective. You can't change what happened to you but you can help other people from experiencing this hurt.

amother

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:37 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I would argue that it isn’t besides the point at all. These are crucial parts of protecting our kids even more than keeping our eyes on them.

Ok, so what if I was taught body safety and I did feel comfortable going to my mother after and telling her what happened, how does that help? He forced his hands onto me and touched me all over. I couldn’t stop him. So then I would go tell my mother after but the damage was already done

amother

Peachpuff

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

You said it happened after every seuda right? So my guess is if you would have felt safe to tell it would not have been a recurring thing.
And of course even once is too much, but maybe after telling someone they would have helped you deal with it then instead of you keeping it to yourself and letting it eat at you for years.

tichellady

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

We are not blaming you. You were a child and he wronged you. You did nothing wrong.

It’s possible if you knew more you would have been more assertive, confident and not gone with him to the shed or he would have realized that you might tell your parents and he would have decided not to risk doing this. He probably picked up on the family dynamic and that he would get away with this. Of course, there are girls who are raised with all the body safety rules who do get raped, there are no guarantees, but it makes it less likely

I’m truly sorry this happened to you and went to repeat that it’s not your fault and I’m sorry no one looked out for you and you didn’t feel safe telling your parents. None of that is your fault