Is there a way to fix this?

amother

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:06 pm

Teenagers who sleep all morning and then spend the rest of their day in their rooms on their phones. I'm trying to teach them responsibility and chipping in to family chores. When I ask them to help, they grumble and grouch and do 1/3 of the job I asked for before running back to their rooms.
How do I change this and what do I do with their negative attitudes? It's so much affecting the atmosphere, so unpleasant.

mha3484

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:08 pm

Id start with no phones in their room.

happy chick

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:09 pm

This problem didn't start overnight and it won't change overnight either. Start with little baby steps. Tell your child to please put their phone away for 10 min cuz you need their help. Give very specific instructions on what needs to be done. It's a new generation, likely never to be what was.

flowerpower

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:11 pm

Tell them the night before what their “job” is the next day. Tell them that you expect it to be done by 2 pm. Erev Pesach everyone is expected to chip in. It’s not some sunny weekend in July.

amother

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:14 pm

flowerpower wrote:

Tell them the night before what their “job” is the next day. Tell them that you expect it to be done by 2 pm. Erev Pesach everyone is expected to chip in. It’s not some sunny weekend in July.

I did exactly this. They cooperated the first day and after that ignored it.

amother

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:15 pm

happy chick wrote:

I messaged them exact instructions the night before. The next day they said what? I'm not reading that.
It's very frustrating.

lilytee

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:17 pm

Take their phones until chores are done.

Ps it would be helpful to buy a phone box for daily phone limits.

Last edited by lilytee on Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:19 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:18 pm

mha3484 wrote:

Id start with no phones in their room.

Today I turned off their phones. One spent the rest of the day helping, the other spent the entire day in bed anyway.
For the one who helped, I turned the phone back on.
The other one is stewing.

flowerpower

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

I messaged them exact instructions the night before. The next day they said what? I'm not reading that.
It's very frustrating.

Don’t message them. Talk to them face to face. And if they’re on the phones in their rooms take away their phones until their jobs are done. Tell them in person a nice little speech that its erev Pesach and everyone needs to chip in…

flowerpower

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

Today I turned off their phones. One spent the rest of the day helping, the other spent the entire day in bed anyway.
For the one who helped, I turned the phone back on.
The other one is stewing.

Teenagers are a lot of fun!

amother

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:23 pm

How do I get back the happy atmosphere in my home? How do I combat teen bad attitudes?

mushkamothers

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:34 pm

Instead of asking to help (vague) or telling them what to do (bossy) I know as a teenager I appreciated choosing my job and also doing something real. Not just busy work because you think I should be helping or you're resentful that I'm in my room.

Yes teenagers should help but also it's not their responsibility to make pesach and if they haven't been taught to look out for the mental load then they won't pick it up. (Or in other words no they won't look around and see what needs to be done. It's actually a skill you can teach.

You'd be helping both of you out by letting them into the decision making. Like "if tomorrow I need to cook then today I need to turn over the kitchen. Heres what that entails. Here's what needs to get done. Which parts can you take responsibility for."

Letting them see where the piece of their contribution fits into the greater puzzle and also teaching them to look out for what needs to be done. It's the difference between giving orders and more collaborative teamwork towards a shared deadline.

That's my 2 cents as a former teenager and also someone who's taught teens. I did a podcast on this last year but it wasn't for teens specifically.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/.....42013

amother

Obsidian

Thu, Apr 18 2024, 11:49 pm

Idk if there is a way but I empathize.

amother

Fri, Apr 19 2024, 3:05 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

This makes sense, I agree. I wrote a list of jobs that need to get done and asked them to choose 1 big or 2 small jobs and finish before 2:00 pm.
For a few days they'd choose jobs, then sleep in, hang around and do nothing and at 1:55 PM, they'd say: are you sure it has to be done by 2? One of them disregarded the timeline completely and by 5 pm I'd ask him about it, and he would say, I didn't think you really meant it by 2:00.

Today is a bit better. I explained to them that a phone is not a right, it's a privilege. If it's used the wrong way or stopping them from doing other things, then it gets turned off.
The one whose phone I turned back on yesterday impressively woke up on time today and with a good attitude and has been helping.
The other one's phone is still off, he peeled and chopped 20 apples to help, without asking for his phone back.

mha3484

Fri, Apr 19 2024, 3:11 pm

Good for you op! I think we have to set expectations and clearly state them and then not be afraid to assert ourselves.

amother

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 12:26 pm

Over shabbos we had a showdown. They promised to be more helpful with a good attitude as long as they can sleep till 10:30/11:00.
This morning I hurt my hand and can't do much and they are trying their best. At least I got rid of the culture of not helping they created, and the grouchy gloomy atmosphere is gone. We will have a pleasant pesach iyh! How much food, I'm not yet sure.