Help me get over this

amother

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 8:40 am

imasinger wrote:

It is unquestionably rude, and also seems to be several kinds of stealing. You have every right to be initially outraged.

But you asked why you're having trouble moving past those initial feelings. So I want to address that. Here are a bunch of questions, in no particular order.

What part of it bothers you the most? Did anything like that part ever happen in your life or your family's life before? Are you worried about anyone's health, so that the tainting of what might be a final simcha feels particularly distressing? How is this obnoxious behavior different from other instances where it's been easier to let go? Do you think you've allowed enough time? Do you think writing a letter expressing your thoughts in a clear, factual way, would relieve some of the simmering? Whether you'd choose to send it is a separate question, and should probably wait some time.

Actually yes about the health. I hadn't thought about that.

These questions are great and I will think them over.

watergirl

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 8:40 am

amother OP wrote:

He paid for the extra rooms for his married kids and their children. We did not know they were coming.

He did not pay for the food.

Honestly I would tell the agency he works for. I was a mashgicha so I know there are halachas involved regarding taking free food, as it makes one nogea b'davar and unable to do the job properly. If I worked a wedding, it was in the contract that a meal was included in my compensation and was not free. I could not nosh on the lettuce as I checked it. One place I supervised used to give out a cookie to children, and once I became the mashgicha there, I could no longer accept the free cookie.

Aside from that, no one with yiras shamayim would do what this person did (stealing), and it makes me wonder what else this mashgiach is doing wrong on the job. I know it's months later, but I would let the agency know.

amother

Moccasin

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 8:51 am

amother OP wrote:

He paid for the extra rooms for his married kids and their children. We did not know they were coming.

He did not pay for the food.

Then your story makes sense. It doesn't make it ok, but people think that if they pay for their own rooms they can eat from the party as its "anyway going to go to waste". Its not right and it's not ok, but I've heard this mindset.

Maybe we need a PSA for people who don't get this.

I understand why you're so upset, they basically ruined your simcha. I'm sorry.

amother

Blue

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 9:23 am

amother Moccasin wrote:

Apparently they didn’t only eat the food, but since they had so many people, they also took up a lot of room and changed the atmosphere of what was supposed to be a private affair. This is unconscionable. The caterer should have been apologetic and tried to make amends. I will guess the OP feels bad because she’s been taken advantage of and can’t do anything about it. I understand the feeling.

amother

Kiwi

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 9:33 am

When I cant let something go I find its often about feeling powerless and walked over and wanting to know 1- if there’s anything to do and what to do - about what happened.
2- what I can do differently so it wont happen again.

(I’m not sure what you can do about what happened. Telling the mashgiach directly that what he did crossed the lines of decency and honesty- would that get you anywhere? I dont know.
Reporting it?! Perhaps. )

Working out what I would do differently to prevent this ever happening and how I would handle it if it happened again helps me feel empowered to move on.

amother

Blue

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 9:53 am

Maybe you can tell yourself that this aggravation was in the place of some other worse problem that you’ve avoided. Maybe you can say that you’re lucky you had a Simcha to celebrate in good health, and focus on that.
It doesn’t help to eat yourself up with what could have been. And frankly, I’m not sure what you could have done about it.

amother

Babypink

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 10:48 am

watergirl wrote:

I believe it is assur not to allow a worker to eat from ready to eat food while working with it

watergirl

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 11:18 am

amother Babypink wrote:

I believe it is assur not to allow a worker to eat from ready to eat food while working with it

It’s nogeah b’davar for a mashgiach to accept free food. It’s muttar if the food is part of the compensation. There is a difference.

amother

Cappuccino

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 11:26 am

Why did you work around their tables?? I would have said excuse me we reserved this area. And I would have said the food is for guests not for your extra guests. This is truly horrible. I wouldn’t move past it. Now we all know when booking make sure to tell staff exactly who can come and what they can do! I’d even put it in the contract. I’d also hade demanded a refund for using so much of your stuff.

amother

Eggshell

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 11:34 am

If I were in your shoes, I would want to speak to the mashgiach about these details that were overtaking your simcha. Not to ask for compensation, but at least an apology.

amother

Plum

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 11:35 am

I want to be dan lchaf zchus but I'm equally appalled.
I'm sorry this happened. Perhaps you can wrote off the food as tzedaka.
Ruining the atmosphere, imposing on your simcha, wow. I'd be pretty fuming. Was there no one to speak up at the time?

Queen Of Hearts

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 12:28 pm

Ugh
Wondering how people can behave this way...
And as watergirl mentioned, someone who behaves this way may not be a reliable mashgiach.
As for getting over it just tell yourself this is a kapparah and hopefully saved you from something worse.

amother

Vermilion

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 12:51 pm

My husband is a mashgiach so I know the business from the inside!
1- if they hired him, it's because they couldn't find anyone else. We have a large family and kashrus organization always try to find someone who they won't have to pay 2 rooms for.
2- if mashgiach was friend with the caterer, the caterer probably made extra food for them that baal simcha did not pay for. So no stealing involved.
3- it wasn't nice to bring their whole extended family especially if you were not asked before and they were noisy and lively, I could definitely hear that it changed the atmosphere of your simcha.

Is it possible that his married kids were supposed to be by him for shabbos and kashrus organizations begged him to come anyway?

In instances when baal simcha rents out only part of the hotel but not all the rooms, it happens quite often that they rent out some room to other families to make more money (either caterer or owner of the hotel) and ball simcha do have to share communal areas.(different dining rooms of course)