Help me get over this

amother

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 12:08 pm

It's a while ago and it still bothers me.

We made a beautiful simcha in a hotel. The mashgiach who we hired for the simcha brought not just his immediate family but got additional rooms in the hotel for all of his married children. They ended up making our Shabbos into their own family reunion as well with lots of kids playing everywhere in addition to relatives. Without asking permission they set up tables in the room we rented for the kiddush and we had to plan around them. They mooched off our food. There was a lot of extra food by the meals so then it was mostly fine but they ate a lot of the kiddush food too and finished up expensive alcohol which was for our guests.

How do I let go and just remember the happy parts of the simcha.

Notsobusy

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 1:07 pm

Wow! That is so wrong. I can't get over how some people can be so entitled. Most people would never act like that.

You can try looking at pictures and watching videos of the event, so that you remember the good parts without them (assuming they're not in your videoes and pictures). And try to relive the parts of the simcha that you enjoyed the most, in your mind. But I think the main thing is time, eventually the upsetting parts will fade and you'll remember only the happy parts.

amother

Amaranthus

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 1:08 pm

I think it might help to either dan lkaf zechus, like maybe it was the only way for him to work because he needed the money and it was his wife's 60th birthday weekend. Or maybe everyone else always said np they don't care so he figured by now no one cares. Or accept its from Hashem that He wanted to help you grow in this area because that is your tafkid in this life and if you don't accomplish it you'd have to gilgul again. So it was for the good.

This is my 2 thoughts, idk if it can help you.

amother

Pumpkin

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 1:15 pm

My family made a shabbos sheva brachos overseas and the same thing happened. The person who was hired brought all his family and extended fam and then we were short room etc and there was nothing we could do. Bh my family made the best of it and it was still beautiful. Definitely a live and learn situation. My fil happens to be a mashgiach too and when he is asked to take on a job, the contract usually says if he can bring ppl and how many, and if he has to pay separately etc. He works for a company though so maybe it’s different than being your own boss.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 1:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

They behaved poorly but since you cant change it, let it go and resolve never to hire this Mashgiach again. Next time you hire a Mashgiach, set clear boundaries.

We all have similar learning experiences from our simchas. Thanks for sharing so I can learn from what happened to you.

amother

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 1:25 pm

Notsobusy wrote:

BH it was so nice to have all our family there and celebrate. And they're mostly not in pictures, good idea to look back at those. I don't know why I'm struggling so hard to get over it. Usually I can fargin easily

amother

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 1:28 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

Thanks

Having a hard time being dan lkaf zchus there what they did really makes no sense to me. Your second point resonates though and I appreciate it

amother

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 1:29 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

I'm sorry this happened to you too.

I don't remember what his contract specified. We booked rooms for his immediate family and they were included in the headcount.

English3

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 1:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

Im sorry op for what you went through. I do feel you have an achrayus to let people know about it as it is pure ganeiva. You pay for a mashgiach not for a family reunion.

amother

Pansy

Tue, Apr 02 2024, 1:29 pm

I’ve never heard something like this . Did the mashgiach come from your caterer ? I am shocked and appalled at people’s terrible manners.

I had a family Simcha in the shul in bal harbor florida . There was a paid kiddush in the shul so that their simcha would be private. This was sponsored by the baalei simcha to keep the guest list at their private kiddush to those invited. Regardless a bunch of vacationers came into the kiddush and sat down at tables that had signs reserved for family. I personally went over to someone and asked them to move so an elderly grandfather could sit and I was told off. We need to do better and have better middos.
People should not ruin simchas and take advantage of other people. What happened to you is not right and is stealing if they did not get permission from you.

essie14

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 6:53 am

Single men can be mashgiachs. Why would anyone pay extra to host a mashgiach's family?
Most Shabbat smachot I have been to have single men as the mashgiach.

OP, I would have also been really upset. Next time either hire a single man or specify the conditions very clearly.

amother

Outerspace

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 6:57 am

Since you didn’t say anything at the time you need to just move on. Nothing to do about it now. Continuing to be upset about it is just going to sour your memories. Just say it is what it is….

(Oh and next time be more assertive…. Very Happy

amother

Strawberry

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 7:38 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm sorry this happened to you too.

I don't remember what his contract specified. We booked rooms for his immediate family and they were included in the headcount.

Im sorry you’re feeling upset about this.
To clarify- you knew the family was coming?
Was there perhaps a miscommunication? Like did he think his family were invited, as guests?
Or even if he knew the boundaries, is it possible he told his family that they were invited as guests while he works and they were unaware of your intentions?

imasinger

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 7:40 am

It is unquestionably rude, and also seems to be several kinds of stealing. You have every right to be initially outraged.

But you asked why you're having trouble moving past those initial feelings. So I want to address that. Here are a bunch of questions, in no particular order.

What part of it bothers you the most? Did anything like that part ever happen in your life or your family's life before? Are you worried about anyone's health, so that the tainting of what might be a final simcha feels particularly distressing? How is this obnoxious behavior different from other instances where it's been easier to let go? Do you think you've allowed enough time? Do you think writing a letter expressing your thoughts in a clear, factual way, would relieve some of the simmering? Whether you'd choose to send it is a separate question, and should probably wait some time.

singleagain

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 7:42 am

essie14 wrote:

Women also can be a mashgicha. So... Options..

amother

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 8:35 am

amother Moccasin wrote:

OP to clarify, did he pay for the rooms and the food? If yes, its tacky and upsetting, but if no, it's pure geneiva.

He paid for the extra rooms for his married kids and their children. We did not know they were coming.

He did not pay for the food.

amother

Wed, Apr 03 2024, 8:37 am

amother Pansy wrote:

Yes he came from the caterer. After Shabbos I did tell the caterer what had happened and she didn't seem to care much.

I'm sorry about your story