Where is it all going?

amother

Offwhite

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:36 pm

amother Salmon wrote:

Do your parents and in laws know you give 20% of the money away? Imagine if they are cutting corners to support you and then you give 20% away and they could have used the money. I wonder what the halacha is on that.

My daughter got married recently and her husband is in kollel, but not yet bringing in any $$ because he needs to be there for a certain amount of time before he can qualify. We committed to giving them a certain set amount a month to help with their expenses (my daughter also works full time). My SIL asked his Rav and was told they need to pay Maaser on the support from parents (10% - not 20%!!) unless we are giving them the $$ for a very specific expense. To avoid any doubt, we give the funds directly to their landlord to pay their rent and our Rav agreed that the couple does not need to give any Maaser on that amount. It is a stretch for us as parents to give this $$ to them every month, but we are so happy to support our SIL's Torah learning and grateful our daughter is married to a ben Torah. We would not want Maaser to come out of the support amount - we are very Makpid on Maaser for our income and want the young couple to have the full benefit of our support, since they do need it, not for it to be given to others.

amother

Feverfew

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:46 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

She was being supported. It's very different if you go into it knowing you have no parental support, and knowing that you yourself are going to have to make it work.
Right now op is straddling between the two.

She will still have some parental support and $4000 a month for a family of 5 in E"Y is not going to cut it. So she knew, at some point, things would need to change. The solution seems simple to me!

amother

Cinnamon

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:50 pm

From a practical point of view
1.there are lots of kollel sales where you can bulk buy essentials. Use them wisely
2.if you are in Central Yerushalayim you don't need a car. Get rid of it and use the money for a rav kav and emergency taxi fund. Use taxis for essentials only. We all used to shlep our shopping home on the bus or our stroller. It was OK, even in the summer. We drank water from the taps. We put it in the fridge. No bottled water.
3 buy everything in bulk. Pasta, rice, beans, spices. Buy cheap spices, not American imports. Think like an Israeli
Stop buying plastic disposables and use cheap plates that you can wash. It really doesn't take more than 5 minutes to wash up the equivalent of the disposables when you are already washing up pots and pans.
4. You don't need 2 types of meat on shabbos. You don't need to eat meat or chicken or fish daily. You don't need fancy American yoghurt. These are luxuries. Read all for the boss and see what kollel life was like in Europe then. Or Rebitzin kanievsky and check out the photos of her kitchen.
5. Crock pot meals are cheaper and easy. Small amount of chulent meat (buy frozen cubes) and beans. Loads of recipes online. Shabbos meals - you say you don't cheshbon shabbos cost - well you need to count it even if you hold H' will send it back to you without hishtadlus.
7. Buy kids clothes second hand. Lots of us do this. It is better for the environment and for sustainability as well as your bank balance. You will say it is shameful or impossible. It isn't.
8. Appreciate you spend more than you choose to earn as a family. Then work out what to do. Cut some stuff out. You are living a wealthy person's life on a poor person's salary (!although 7500 dollars/month is wealthy in my book too). Look online at budgeting advice and use it. Don't wait until you are thousands of dollars in debt.
9 learn to systematize your home - sponga, laundry, tidy up etc. Then you won't need a cleaner. Your husband can do plenty here.

I could go on but I'll get pages of abuse for even this so will stop.

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

When we met with a financial advisor, he said it’s often the smaller things that add up that we should try to cut out, not the bigger ticket items that often aren’t so flexible.

I was asking if anyone has advice on that- how to cut those expenses. Someone mentioned one weekly shopping in a large grocery store- that is something I can try to implement.

My husband may start taking the kollel checks, I understand it’s not tzedaka, but if we don’t need to take it, we won’t. If we do, we will.

I am open to adding something to my job, but I currently work the afternoon/evening hours (american hours), so finding something that pays well for morning hours is very hard here. Any ideas? I tried.

I am willing to work fuller time, but I do not want my husband to have to change his learning schedule.

Order on mishnatyosef or mechira shchunatit. You can save up to half of your grocery bill. BUT you'll need to be flexible and use what they sell not buy what you are used to.

Work through all your utility bills and see where you can save. You can add a thing to the shower that reduces water usage, you can switch off electric appliances overnight, you could find a cheaper telephone deal etc.

Go to Shaul tamrukim for toiletries instead of the bigger stores. Up to a third cheaper.

Order your fleishigs wholesale through one of the programs that does monthly sales. You'll save a fortune.

Shop out of the area. I compared one chain store prices in Har Nof, Ramot and Shamgar. The Shamgar branch was at least 5 shekel more per item.

Consider getting rid of your car. If you are working from home and your kids are in school locally, you shouldn't need it.

Be a little open minded about exploring other areas. Go to the new area in Ramat Shlomo and check it out, look into the American area in Givat Zeev. Even Har Nof will be way cheaper than where you are now.

I think the issue with the morning hours is that you want "paying well" by American standards and Israeli wages aren't that high. Again, you may have to compromise and reckon that 60 shekel an hour is better than nothing even if it isn't the $50 per hour you are used to.

amother

Feverfew

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:55 pm

amother Turquoise wrote:

60 Nis an hour is good for Israel. I was teaching English with a masters and got 50 nis an hour!

ShishKabob

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:07 pm

amother Feverfew wrote:

She will still have some parental support and $4000 a month for a family of 5 in E"Y is not going to cut it. So she knew, at some point, things would need to change. The solution seems simple to me!

I know, but I still have rachmanus on her, because if you're used to a certain standard and then you have to cut down, it's really really difficult, it's much easier to start on lower standards to begin with.

amother

Salmon

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:10 pm

amother Cinnamon wrote:

These are all good suggestions, please go on and list more...would probably be helpful for others

amother

Hosta

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:19 pm

amother Banana wrote:

yes think the point of this thread is a vent and not actually looking for suggestions because everything is non negotiable

Ease up on OP! She is now being faced with a pretty major perspective switch and posters here expect her to change her long-held policies on a dime. Give it time to sink in, she will likely be more open to make some hard choices.

OP, maybe think more deeply about the possibility of changing apartments. Run through the whole scenario mentally. Would it really destroy all you've built so far in kollel? Or might it be an adjustment, but okay? What would you do if your landlord sold your apartment? Would you really move back to the USA?

I support the 20% chomesh even though it's foreign to many posters here (giving Chomesh on much less) but not all of your expenses bring the same level of bracha. The car, the expensive rent, refusing the kollel salary - those might be worth adjusting.

Wishing you hatzlacha!

amother

Diamond

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:38 pm

You’ve been living your dream life, it sounds like. Life is handing you a reality check. Time to appreciate what you’ve had until now and make some serious changes.

For most people, being that Chomesh is not a requirement but paying your bills is, we don’t give chomesh unless we have excess funds after taking care of our family. If you choose to keep giving chomesh, you’ll have to get cheaper rent or have your husband go to work. I don’t see any other option.

It would be nice if we could have everything we want. That’s not how this world tends to work though. You can’t have the zechus of chomesh without giving up on something big.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:40 pm

amother Hosta wrote:

You support Chomesh from someone else’s money?
Chomesh is great in general

amother

Holly

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:41 pm

ShishKabob wrote:

Isn't that what she signed up to when choosing a Kolel life?
Do most people only sign up for a Kolel life if they are supported by their parents so they have money for luxuries they would otherwise not be able to afford on a kolel salary?

amother

Hosta

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 4:44 pm

amother Babyblue wrote:

You support Chomesh from someone else’s money?
Chomesh is great in general

It's not someone else's money. It was given to her to use as she sees fit. She could presumably use the money for fancier clothes, takeout dinners, more cleaning help, or weekly date nights. She is choosing to use a good chunk of it for tzedakah. That's a good thing in my book.

If she was given $250 to buy her kids clothing for Yom Tov and she wanted to give chomesh on THAT... I'd ask a Rav.

Unless her parents and in-laws are very specific about what they are willing to give money for, she is entitled to allocate her budget as she likes.