Where is it all going?

amother

Cherry

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:05 pm

amother Papayawhip wrote:

We make over 1,000,000 1/2 dollars and we were told that we shouldn’t be giving 20%. So I’ve just had a very strange that you’re taking money that you’re given from your parents and you give that kind of money. I’m sorry but something is really off with that. Even 10% these days is always the norm I talked to many Rabbis and not all say that it’s necessary. Yes we try to give over 10% but I can’t say that we give up to 20%. We are helping a lot of our Mary kids also we’re not counting that in our 10%. And we want to make sure that we have enough to help them long-term as well as a nice money for retirement. And your husband doesn’t wanna bring in any money? I just don’t get it you don’t seem to want to change a thing, but want to be OK. I think you were looking for a unicorn that does not exist.

You make over 1.5 million dollars and were told not to give 20%? That’s even more surprising to me than op’s giving 20%

Bnei Berak 10

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:10 pm

You live in an expensive neighborhood, it just the rent but you probably pay very heavy taxes (arnona) too and if you shop in your neighborhood you surely pay top dollar for groceries.
Part time work only for a couple with three kids is no way sustainable by any standards. Something has to give.

amother

Black

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

The hadracha was not on any set of numbers. This is something my husband wants to do very much, and we asked shailos based on if we are can give that much if we cant actually afford it. We were told my numerous rabanim, unanimously, yes.

Do you really spend that for a family of 7? I dont buy much processed food at all, and I dont really know where to cut on groceries. Do you have any ideas for me on how to do it? (The stores in the area are all so expensive I guess).

My main non Negotiable is rent. I wish it was negotiable, but I would move back to america, where life is more expensive, if I had to move to a different neighborhood.
Cleaning lady at this point I cut out right now. I wish I didn’t have to, but I do.

Any tips on how to make side money?
We can start accepting the payment from the kollel if we need to, but I’d rather try to figure out how to spend less than take someone else’s tzedaka money for kollel families.

As a fellow kollel wife who also gives a lot to maaser. Except I work full time and through a miracle pay cheaper rent.
I just want to say that the money being paid from kollel is absolutely not tzedaka money. It is money that people give because they want some of the zchus of the kollel learning.

renslet

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:15 pm

I give 20% on a very small income and see tremendous beracha from it, so if that's what you want to do, go for it.
There are halachos about maaser, like if someone pays for something specific, you don't need to take maaser from the amount. So if someone pays your plane tickets you don't need to maaser that amount. (This is what I was told)
I'm wondering if you could ask your Rav, if some of the income from your parents is specified for a specific thing, rent, groceries etc if you would need to give from that amount or only from the "fluid" amount.

amother

Lavender

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:16 pm

The word masser means 10% only on that part did Hashem promise that we will become rich.

Chomesh, the Gemurah advises that one should live on 20% of their income and one should not give away more than 20% of their income.

Shopping at big supermarkets and knowing the prices of YOUR steady groceries makes you a better shoppers and can save you a lot. Many people do one big shopping a week ( some stores do deliveries).

For best prices shop at:
Sharia Revacha
Other ad
Rami Levi
Yesh chesed

amother

Papayawhip

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:17 pm

I am emotionally caught up in this post. I am rereading it and I just find it hard to understand. Your husband will take away 20% of the money, but he’s not earning even a penny of it. It literally says in kesubah he should support you. So not only is he not giving money to help whatsoever but he wants to give away 20% of the money to other people probably count towards tzedekah. We give a lot, but if I found out that I was giving a. Kolllel couple and they were giving away 20 giving I would definitely not continue giving anything. And we were told we didn’t have to give a 20% really think about it because we also help support family members that we don’t count in the 10% so it probably is closer to 20%. We don’t count the family support in the 10%.

renslet

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:20 pm

Groceries
You can really lower them if you know where to shop and how.
There are tons of blogs and books.
Be open to different ideas, I once made rice and lentils with fried onions in the nine days and it has become my kids favorite food, who knew and it's so cheap.
Minimize leftovers, make less or repurpose. Make sure you are not leaving stuff to rot in the fridge.
There are so many things that you can do to lower expenses they just take time and effort

ShishKabob

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:22 pm

amother Papayawhip wrote:

I'm not sure why this is helpful to op. She stated that her/his parents know about this and they are fine with it. She also said it was discussed with their Rav.

amother

DarkRed

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:24 pm

amother OP wrote:

For where to cut on groceries, list your menu/shopping list. Things like yogurt, chicken, not cheap.

With regards for rent, why is your neighborhood non negotiable?
Why willl you need to move back to us? Is that really better for your husband's learning.

It seems rent is where you should do some hisboddedus. It is hard to move when your neighborhood is perfect. But that perfectness + Yerushalayim is why rent is so high. It is a true luxury. Believe it or not, nice frum people exist outside of sororzkin and sanhedria murchevet.

If your husbands learning + no pay for that learning + work part time +++ is so important to you, then you need to evaluate all the extras in your life to make surei happens

amother

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:27 pm

Thank you all for your recommendations.
I’m sorry I sounded like everything is non negotiable and that my post sounded strange to some of you.

Regarding the 20%, yes, our parents know and are happy to continue this. Again, we asked shailos and are able to give 20% of everything. I am aware that I don’t have to give from gifts, and that I don’t have to give for things that are paid for us (our flights for yom tov are paid from parents), but as a couple with our daas torah we decide to continue giving 20% of all of it. My husband is not “taking the money he’s not earning and giving away”. This is a joint decision together with our rabbanim and parents who have been giving to us.

When we met with a financial advisor, he said it’s often the smaller things that add up that we should try to cut out, not the bigger ticket items that often aren’t so flexible.

I was asking if anyone has advice on that- how to cut those expenses. Someone mentioned one weekly shopping in a large grocery store- that is something I can try to implement.

My husband may start taking the kollel checks, I understand it’s not tzedaka, but if we don’t need to take it, we won’t. If we do, we will.

I am open to adding something to my job, but I currently work the afternoon/evening hours (american hours), so finding something that pays well for morning hours is very hard here. Any ideas? I tried.

I am willing to work fuller time, but I do not want my husband to have to change his learning schedule.

allthingsblue

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:27 pm

amother Caramel wrote:

Why? She got hadrachah. If she doesn't like the answer she should keep asking until she hears what she wants?

No but the circumstances are changing so the answers may be different

In terms of Chomesh (although she did say she doesn’t want to change that), husband being in kollel, not accepting a kollel stipend, etc

In my life when I ask a Rav a question and then the circumstances change, I ask again with regard to the new set of circumstances.

amother

Feverfew

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:29 pm

The hashkafa I always got from various Rebbetzins and Rabbanim is that if you plan to be a kollel wife, then plan to be a kollel wife. Make sure you are comfortable doing whatever it takes to keep your husband in kollel. I think this sums it up here. OP, I hear you. I think if you can make it work, your husband staying in learning is a beautiful thing. But, it's not going to work based on what you're doing right now. And honestly, it's already shocking to me that you don't work full time with a husband in Kollel for years and three little kids. I have three kids too, life is expensive and bzH we will have more. If you need an extra $1500 in your life I suggest cut down on tzedaka, husband gets paid from the kollel and you get another job. Idk about the car situation, I do find no car in Israel can get exhausting but I'm assuming you're in central jlem so maybe it's not worth it. If kollel is the most important thing to you right now, then make it that way!

amother

Natural

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

Can you give us a better idea of what kind of “small things” you’re spending money on so that we can advise how to cut back on those things?

ShishKabob

Wed, Mar 27 2024, 3:34 pm

amother Feverfew wrote:

She was being supported. It's very different if you go into it knowing you have no parental support, and knowing that you yourself are going to have to make it work.
Right now op is straddling between the two.