Saying no to kids for selfish reasons

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:22 pm

How do you navigate when a kid asks you for something and there's no reason they shouldn't have it, you just want it for yourself?

For example. I got something in MM that's one of my favorite foods and was looking forward to having it. My DD (who got PLENTY of MM herself) asked me if she could have it.

Another example. I spent an hour washing and checking lettuce to have salads for my lunch for the week. My DD had 6 friends over on Shabbos and they wanted to make salad for shalosh seudos. I know from experience that they'll each eat a huge plate of salad and use up all the lettuce.

What's the right thing to do?

amother

Olive

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:24 pm

That’s Not selfish, it’s boundaries. DD doesn’t have to have everything. You are allowed to have wants and needs too.

mushkamothers

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:24 pm

It's okay to have your own things because you're a human and have your own needs and you'll likely end up resentful if you give in and be nice about this now. It's called personal boundaries.

amother

Opal

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:30 pm

I admit that some would call me selfish but I would tell my daughter the lettuce is unavailable. I would probably share with her the shaloch manos because that's what I did irl, but I told her, I barely got any shaloch manos while she got a bunch and the lettuce I would share with her when her friends weren't over. an hr is a long time! unless she's offering to check more for you

amother

Amber

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:32 pm

You can absolutely keep things for yourself. Nothing wrong with that. You are a person too.

amother

Carnation

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:32 pm

My kids know that the MM I got, is for me & they have a ton of their own.
The lettuce however, I'd say it's for the family to eat.

amother

Birch

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:35 pm

Sometimes parents forget they are people also. You cant give if you are depleted.

Obviously if the answer is always no then you need to work on parenting skills but this sounds like you give a lot to your kids so they are always asking because they know you usually say yes. Its ok to sometimes say no.

erm

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:37 pm

I probably would have kept the mm item but shared the lettuce and rechecked a new batch.

amother

White

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:39 pm

I would keep the MM stuff for myself, but I would have let them use the lettuce and just prepped more afterwards

amother

Silver

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:44 pm

I would likely gauge it by what the effects would be. My instinct is that I would tell her that the shalach manos item is spoken for, but if we get it again in the future it can be her turn if she reminds you, bli neder. And with the lettuce, I would take off half or so and let her and her friends have the rest, unless she agrees to check more for you after Shabbos. I would think in the future, though, about checking lettuce just for me when other people might want to. This is from personal experience, when I have bought or made just enough of something for me a few times and found that others also wanted and were frustrated that I only did for myself.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 6:59 pm

It wouldn’t occur to me to categorize these examples as selfish

behappy2

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:02 pm

I told my kids that I get dibs on family Mishloach manos as they got plenty. Obviously if they got very little I would be sensitive to that. They are old enough to understand.

kenz

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:04 pm

I’m in the keep the treat, share the lettuce camp. While checking lettuce is time consuming, I can’t see telling my child that she and her friends can’t have salad for shalosh seudos because I want to save it for myself. The Belgian chocolates, however, would be strictly prohibited- or at least severely rationed. (Priorities…)

imasinger

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:11 pm

This dynamic isn't unique to parent and child. It's also something between husband and wife, or sometimes friends or other family, like siblings, or colleagues.

For the MM, what if you split it? Ditto setting aside enough lettuce for yourself, if it would be a major nuisance to buy and check more.

Even if in both cases, you told DD that you wanted those things, you're not necessarily doing her a disservice.

If you're the type to give all the time, then teaching her that she can be the one to give is also important. You likely wouldn't do her any favors by saying yes to everything.

amother

Oleander

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:20 pm

So surprised by the feedback I feel like it’s almost stopping to their level to be very territorial in this way… why not check more lettuce or buy that MM item for yourself if you love it? For sure sometimes saying no is healthy and great but this feels a little stingy and territorial like the type they should be having with each other not with you

amother

Lavender

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:22 pm

This is something I struggle with. I almost always say yes and almost always feel resentful.

amother

Carnation

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:27 pm

amother Oleander wrote:

Parents are allowed to have treats that are just for us. My kids got a ton of Mish manos. The milk chocolate truffles I got, is for me. Bh my kids understand & respect that. I don't eat things I don't want to share in front of my kids, and I expect the same of my kids, but they know that certain treats are mom's.

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 7:46 pm

I would give my kids before myself but just that’s me

amother

Poppy

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:08 pm

I'd probably share the lettuce. But keep the great.
Because for my kid it's not just the lettuce, it's the social experience. I'd probably keep a bit of lettuce for myself for that day or the next day until I can check more.
(Personally I buy prechecked. But id probably not give it all away.)

Re the goodies, my kids got more MM than I did! I showed them that those few goodies I got is for dh and me. One kid very badly wanted the peanut chews my sister sent. It was just 2 pcs. I let her have it. But the yummy gourmet chocolates my friend made, I kept to myself. She begged and cried. She screamed and tantrumed. No. No.

If you keep giving away all this stuff you work hard to prepare for yourself and/or your gifts, or other things that are precious to you.
If you always say yes, your children won't appreciate you more instead they will expect more and not be happier at all.

I'm working hard now undoing the monster I created by saying yes all the time. Buy giving everything always.
It's an uphill battle. With lots of tears. But we're getting they.

amother

Poppy

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:11 pm

amother Oleander wrote:

Not everyone can afford to "must buy" the stuff.

It might just read into it too much, noone enjoys checking lettuce. The only poeple I know who do it are those who's finances are tight.

And a kid should know and appreciate that this is mom's. And no you can't have it.

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