Should I tell my kids that my mother has cancer?

amother

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 8:18 am

My mother was unfortunately diagnosed with cancer recently. Thank G-d, it is early stage and not life threatening and the chemo and possible surgery are fairly mild all things considered. I don't know if we should tell our kids. For reference, my mother is ok with it either way.

Several years ago, my mother in law had cancer, our oldest was around 4 or 5, youngest was a baby and we didn't tell any of our kids, plus she didn't want them to know. She had surgery and radiation for a few months, but that was it and baruch Hashem she is fine. We told our oldest she had surgery and needed to rest a lot but that was it.

However, our oldest is 11 now, youngest is just a baby. Obviously the baby and toddler (11 months and almost 3) don't need to know and don't understand anyway. But what ages would you tell? Only the 11 year old? Should the cut off be at the 7 year old and above? Not tell kindergarten and below? What ages should be told? Or should we just not tell any of them?

amother

Snapdragon

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 8:23 am

I HATED when my parents kept this kind of stuff from me. I was always able to figure out something was going on, and not knowing what just made me imagine the worst. I would get all anxious. Probably by the time I was 7. How observant and intuitive are your kids?

amother

Blue

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 8:24 am

I’m replying a song who recently dealt with my own cancer diagnosis obviously a child different than a grandchild.

I think the more secrecy we have around cancer the bigger deal if he comes if we’re only talking about cancer, when it’s at a near death place than everyone associates cancer with dying . Like you said with your mother-in-law cancer patients have a very good survival rates now.

Your children will probably hear you speaking among yourselves or with other of your siblings the more secrecy, the more scary it is I think it should be open with your children and present them to fact. Give them a chance to daven for their grandmother and see IYH their tefioos answered.

But make sure that you are in a good place and strong when you tell them

Iyh she should a Refuah shlamah quickly

amother

Seablue

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 8:27 am

I don't think secrecy is good, it makes things traumatic. But I also don't think a kid that age needs ALL the details. Just matter of fact that b"h the dr expects them to fully recover but we will need to help a bit more while she is taking medicine and stuff.

amother

Nemesia

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 8:28 am

Please tell them before they find out from the street.
I found out from the street that my grandmother has cancer. My parents denied it when I asked them about it. It seemed like everyone knew that she had cancer, besides the grandkids.

OP, kids generally take such news better than adults. Just tell them that bobby was diagnosed with cancer, bh it was caught early & she'll hopefully have a full refua."

amother

Papayawhip

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 8:29 am

If it’s not life threatening I don’t see the need to tell. My mil had early stage and ended up getting a mastectomy and reconstruction and we didn’t say anything other than that she had surgery and kids need to avoid jumping on her and hugging her etc

But my oldest is not yet ten

mha3484

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 8:32 am

My kids knew about my grandmothers diagnosis and my oldest was 5. They also know about my mothers other health issues. They didn't know every single detail but they knew that if anyone had a cold we kept our distance. If my mother has a flare up of an autoimmune condition, she will ask us not to come visit if anyone is sick and if my kids just think she doesn't want to see them its very hurtful. Its better to tell the truth. She would love to see them but right now we have to be more careful to not share germs.

amother

Mauve

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 8:39 am

My kids are similar ages and I’m currently in the same situation. My parent is open about it and I did tell my older kids. Didn’t tell age 5 and under since they won’t really understand or pick it up on their own. When you say it matter-of-fact they take it matter-of-fact.

I told them that grandparent is sick and needs some medicine and a surgery. The doctors say they will probably be okay but it’s always good to daven. They were okay with this.

Ema of 5

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 8:39 am

amother OP wrote:

When my father was sick, my youngest child that I told he had cancer was 7. My 3 year old know he was sick, but not with what.

amother

Smokey

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 11:23 am

If she’s ok with it then tell them. But age appropriate. Maybe even take a book from the library that helps explain it.
I recently had a lumpectomy and am in midst of radiation. I am not ready to tell anyone. I told my boss that I will need to come late for a while due to medical reasons.

amother

Wheat

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 12:17 pm

I was in a similar situation.
My kids were younger- about 6 and under. We didn't use the word cancer because they knew too many stories of people who died and weren't old enough to be able to understand that it may not happen here due to age. BH my MIL is cured.
But we explained what is happening -sick with something we can't catch, not like a cold. She will be very tired. If we have a cold we can't visit (it was over covid so we all tested every time we visited, did many visits outside) etc. We davened.
We were open and they were fine with it. And now it is a long distant memory for them.