How do I deal with minor misbehavior?

amother

Fri, Feb 02 2024, 11:37 am

My oldest daughter is 12. There is a specific cereal she likes and keeps on a shelf. It's not something she eats every day or even every week.

Today I rearranged the pantry, put her cereal in another spot, and she got upset. I heard her out and then explained that this arrangement works best for me and while I understand that it is difficult for her to face changes, this arrangement is important for me and for right now, it'll stay that way.

She marched over, removed the item I had put there, and replaced her cereal.
I waited a minute.
Then asked, "was that a respectful thing to do? "
She responded with I don't care and walked away angrily.

On one hand, this is a minor disrespect. It's not like I must have my item there for safety or even convenience. It's a purely esthetic thing, and having a nice looking pantry is kind of important to me. Maybe if I would have known how badly she would have reacted, I wouldn't have moved her cereal in the first place.
On the other hand, I don't think it's good chinuch for her to learn that she can get her way by being disrespectful. She's a totally normal child, a bit rigid sometimes, but nothing concerning. My husband says I spoil her.

How would you react?

amother

Tiffanyblue

Fri, Feb 02 2024, 11:59 am

The rigidity would bother me a lot more than the disrespect. Rigidity = anxiety, and anxiety = distress. The disrespect and I don't care are covers for the distress.

The fact that you said had you known it would bother her you wouldn't have done it shows you may already be walking on eggshells around her.

amother

Tangerine

Fri, Feb 02 2024, 12:02 pm

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

Op sounds a little rigid too...she also needed the cereal in a certain place.

amother

Blueberry

Fri, Feb 02 2024, 12:02 pm

I wouldnt say anything in the moment. For the next 24 hours I would focus on lots of positive attention and pleasant interractions.
The next day, depending on the kid, I'd either write her a sweet note or tell her verbally that I love her, im so proud of her, shes awesome and also that the behavior she did the other day was not ok because it was rude, so please try harder in the future to speak politely when annoyed. Dont harp on it, just a quick mention, and move on.

mha3484

Fri, Feb 02 2024, 12:04 pm

I really like having conversations with my son this age using collaborative problem solving. It works well with my rigid 9 year old too.

1) You use empathy. Use your seichel but point out that you noticed that it really bothered her that you moved the cereal.

2) You ask her to contribute a solution to the issue and you suggest yours.

3) You hopefully come to an agreement that meets her needs and yours.

I like that it really models respectful conversation and solving problems which hopefully as they get older they use to get along in the world.

https://livesinthebalance.org/.....tour/

amother

RosePink

Fri, Feb 02 2024, 2:29 pm

amother Tiffanyblue wrote:

To me OP seems like the one that's rigid.
If her daughter likes it in a certain spot, then keep it there. What's the big deal? Why are you looking for power struggles? It's a box of cereal, for God's sake!
OP, when it comes to parenting teens, it's important to remember to lose the power struggle, try to ignore what you can, don't make an issue out of every little thing. Pick your battles.

amother

Fri, Feb 02 2024, 2:37 pm

amother RosePink wrote:

As of right now, the cereal is exactly where she put it.
Like I said, if I had known it would be a big deal, I would have left the box where it was. But my husband feels that at this point this is giving her the idea that she's the boss of the house and not me; that her annoyance about having to bend to get the cereal the two times a month she wants it, overrules my slight annoyance of not having my pantry look the way I want it to look.

It's a minor issue, but he's pointing out that it's part of a bigger pattern of her behaving disrespectful and me choosing to give in and let her have her way.

amother

Maize

Fri, Feb 02 2024, 3:19 pm

amother RosePink wrote:

And it's a great age to teach the teen it's a box of cereal for god's sake. What type of adult does she become if she doesn't learn that she can't just huff and puff and step on everyone? I disagree with the whole it's not big deal let the teen always get her way. I think it's ok to set boundaries with a teen. If op is the one who deals with the pantry daily she gets to make rules about it. The twice a month her teen needs to go elsewhere for the cereal she can overcome her aversion to the other spot.

mushkamothers

Fri, Feb 02 2024, 4:12 pm

Then asked, "was that a respectful thing to do? "
She responded with I don't care and walked away angrily.

This is a rhetorical question so it sets you up for a power struggle. Which means you automatically lose.

You think a teen will stop and say "yeah mom you know what, you're right and I'm sorry"
Lol no

If anything make it a statement. "I prefer when things are this way" "I'm a little annoyed bc I specifically asked something and it feels disrespectful that you're doing it the other way"

Or start with a non threatening clarification. "I asked you to put it somewhere. Did you hear what I said or should I repeat it?" Only if said sincerely not sarcastically or it becomes rhetorical

groisamomma

Fri, Feb 02 2024, 4:19 pm

amother Maize wrote:

This 👆

TwinsMommy

Fri, Feb 02 2024, 5:21 pm

Am I the only one who would deal with it with humor and it would become a running joke? I'd put it where I'd want it, she'd put it where she wants it and I'd leave threatening sticky notes on it telling her not to move me because I'm BOB the cereal king and I need to stay where I'm placed, and she would leave threatening sticky notes in return...... anyone?

My husband eats those kosher bacon pieces (soy chemical yucky things)--- he eats MOST of a container, starts a new container, leaves the almost done container. Does it again. And again. And again. Randomly on a Friday night when I'm serving a soup in which he likes to put those, I put 8 mostly eaten containers in front of him and we all laugh about it. (sure, I could consolidate for him.....)

If you really want to WIN, take the bag of cereal out of the box and hide it and leave a note in the box saying "leave it where it goes and I'll continue allowing you to eat this cereal". But she'll resent you and remember it forever. My mother "spilled windex" on a toy of mine in 1979 and I still remember how crushed I was. She just hated the toy. As the movie Frozen says...... Let It Go. Or turn it into humor.

TwinsMommy

Fri, Feb 02 2024, 5:25 pm

Just remembered another humorous way of dealing with a conflict like this. I had a roommate in the 90's who liked to leave the chairs out and not push them in. I was constantly pushing the dining room chairs in for her so I asked her nicely to please push them in. From then on, every morning I'd find the chairs upside down or on the table or on the other side of the room or hidden in her bedroom. She was a fantastic roommate and we're still great friends, both married with kids.

Crookshanks

Sat, Feb 03 2024, 8:03 pm

TwinsMommy wrote:

You sound awesome, this is exactly the type of mom to teens I want to be like 😂

amother

Coffee

Sat, Feb 03 2024, 8:47 pm

I would’ve just said I didn’t realize the placement of the cereal box meant so much to you. And leave it at that. It’s a petty thing to argue about from both the mother and child’s perspective and it’s not necessary to blow it out of proportion.

amother

Sun, Feb 04 2024, 6:06 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

This is an excellent point. Thank you.

amother

Carnation

Sun, Feb 04 2024, 6:25 pm

Who first decided that each specific cereal type needs to be in a specific order? It sounds like there was a set order and your daughter liked this order, and then you switched the order.

I think the fact thay each specific cereal needs to be arranged is a problem in itself, and it is leading to some tension.

Op, who first decided that the cereals always need to be returned to the shelf in a certain order?