Unmotivated | Imamother

amother

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 5:40 am

What makes a child unmotivated? My 17 year old decided this year that she’s not interested in studying or trying hard in school and is just happy with getting in the 60s or 70s on everything. She used to consistently get in the high 80s with effort. This year she decided she doesn’t want to work so hard and stopped studying. It’s driving me mad. I tried explaining to her that she won’t get into seminary or college with marks like that and zero effort but it’s not clicking. She refuses to go see someone to talk about why she stopped caring so it’s up to me to figure it out. What could be causing this? Someone mentioned low level depression to me but I don't see it in other areas and she won’t go for help so not sure what to do in any case

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 5:56 am

I was like this. I simply stopped caring about marks at some point. I don’t regret it.
I had a hard time with memory because of dysfunction going on at home and it just wasn’t worth it for me to put an effort to do better.

I wasn’t going to collage though.
Maybe it was low grade depression for me. But really marks aren’t all that important if you don’t need to get into collage.

amother

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 6:05 am

NechaMom wrote:

If she needed to put in lots of effort to get high 80’s and her friends got 90’s with less effort she may have gotten discouraged. That’s my guess.

Could be but shouldn’t she want to do well for herself? If she put in the effort she would do well. Now she doesn’t even care

amother

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 6:08 am

amother Amber wrote:

Any chance she can be add/adhd?
How's her social life? Do her friends work hard or take it easy?
Peer pressure is very real in teenagers.

No to add/adhd. She has friends. Some are more studious than others, but I doubt they’re doing so poorly. Usually when there’s midterms the girls study together. My daughter definitely joined along but didn’t get much studying done. Could be those girls studied later that night but mine didn’t.

amother

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 6:12 am

amother Firebrick wrote:

The problem is that she talks about going to college all the time. I cannot get it through her head that she can’t get into college with those marks and also That college is hard work, not just a joke

peace2

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 6:22 am

amother OP wrote:

Could be but shouldn’t she want to do well for herself? If she put in the effort she would do well. Now she doesn’t even care

Not everyone is so self-motivated. And if she's always been putting in a lot of effort and not excelling, she probably got discouraged. It's also possible that there's a culture in her grade or amongst her friends of chilling out about school and it's not cool to study and take it seriously
It does sound like you're putting some pressure on her about this, and maybe this is in reaction. She's in high school, she's old enough to know that she needs to take it seriously if she wants to go to seminary and college. Let her take responsibility for her choices and grades, and if she sees a semester of C's on her report card, she might shape up on her own.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 7:49 am

I was like this. I just found school so boring and hated the learning aspect. I would literally tune out during the classes and course bothered studying for tests or working hours on a report. Bh I’m married with kids almost graduating high school and doing just fine. Marks aren’t everything. And it could be she is saying she wants to go to college because that’s what her friends are saying maybe a better option would be a trade school like cosmetology or fashion school.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 8:03 am

Maybe she is just burned out. Just leave her alone. Your nagging won't help. She is old enough to understand the consequences. And truthfully as long as she is not outright failing she probably can get into college, just not ivy league. Worse case if she really fails and does not get a high school diploma she'll have to get a GED to get into college.

amother

Hotpink

Fri, Feb 02 2024, 1:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

She got a 65 on 6/8 midterms she took. The other she got an 82 and 71. My husband spoke to her about it. She said she has no interest in studying, just wants to pass to be able to get a GED. I don’t get it. Where’s this coming from??

Why does she need to get a ged if she passes her classes?

amother

Eggshell

Sat, Feb 03 2024, 1:29 pm

It's a very long time since I graduated high school. I failed just about everything. The only time anyone ever asked about my grades was when I was applying to college, and I had to make up a lot of material then. (Today, maybe shidduchim, but thats another story.) The truth is, your high school graduation doesn't have to have a huge impact on your life. Today I have a good level job, with multiple qualifications.

Your daughter already knows she isn't an A grade student. She's not going to go to a high level academic seminary or a top level college, however much she works. Despite that, she's being forced to study a lot of information that doesn't interest her, and will have minimal impact on her future life. There isn't much in that to motivate her! So she's doing the minimum required work, and taking time to enjoy herself.

Maybe you can discuss what she might want to study at college, and agree that she will make an effort in those areas. If she still isn't interested, there isn't much you can do. Later on, she'll have to work harder.

Elfrida

Sat, Feb 03 2024, 3:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

What makes a child unmotivated?

What could be causing this? Someone mentioned low level depression to me but I don't see it in other areas and she won’t go for help so not sure what to do in any case

I'm not qualified to diagnose depression, and certainly not from the details in your post, but one thing that is known to help with depression is exercise. Even if she isn't depressed, it will still be good for her, if you can talk her into half an hour of exercise at least three or four days a week. If she isn't studying hard, she's got time to spare...

amother

Lemonlime

Sat, Feb 03 2024, 4:41 pm

I was like this as a high schooler. I actually tell myself all the time that I would love to explore this with a therapist. I don’t know exactly why I wasn’t motivated, but I’ll speculate here.

Reason A: Peer pressure- In elementary school, I was above average and almost at the top of the class. I was considered a little weird and geeky I think. When I got to 9th grade, I decided I’d had enough of that and tried to “remake” myself.

Reason B: No family pressure/expectations- after pta and when we got report cards, my mother always made sure to stress middos/teachers comments over marks. If it wasn’t important to her, why should it be important to me

Reason C: laziness - I’m wouldn’t say I’m a half job kind of person, but why go through a lot of effort if the result end up similar. Why pull out a mixer to make a cake, if my family happily enjoys a cake that I just mix straight in the pan?

Reason D: I felt it was pointless - I knew I wasn’t going to seminary in EY (financial reasons) and that I wouldn’t go to college (religious reasons) so why do I need to get A’s?

That’s all I can come up with for now. It was probably a combo of all 4. My parents didn’t seem to mind and I enjoyed high school without the pressure.
I graduated with a diploma, got married and have a nice sized family now. So alls well I guess.

I’d say don’t sweat it, but you can definitely try to ask her some pointed questions to get to the bottom of it.

lamplighter

Sat, Feb 03 2024, 4:45 pm

She doesn't see the difference between 70s and 80s aside for having to work hard.
I don't blame her.
Shes not going to an academic seminary or college anyway. Give her space to enjoy school, her friends, make mistakes and make choices.
She doesn't sound depressed to me.

amother

Sat, Feb 03 2024, 6:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

She got a 65 on 6/8 midterms she took. The other she got an 82 and 71. My husband spoke to her about it. She said she has no interest in studying, just wants to pass to be able to get a diploma. I don’t get it. Where’s this coming from??