So done. | Imamother

amother

Tue, Jan 30 2024, 1:10 pm

I’m just really done, my son will be 4 soon we had 2 failed attempts training him cause he just wasn’t ready, third time was succos when he had to be toilet trained it just wasn’t an option, so we started again for the third time, it’s now basically 4 months and it’s just bad, some days he can have a good day and not have any accidents but most days he has 1-2 accidents, mostly dirty, I know it’s normal to have an accident here or there, he tells me after he has an accident “I’m sorry mommy I won’t do it again, it is as a mistake” and than does it again, it’s like it doesn’t click, I’ve heard ppl have difficult times but I don’t know like this, I’ve basically lost all my patience and react when he does it, like he just doesn’t care, and before ppl ask if he has any delays, bh he’s healthy and growing, has a bit of a bit listening Issue but he was evaluated for behavior and bh they said he really is good just a ton of energy which is normal for some kids, sorry for making this post so long just ranting cause this has been so hard, what am I doing wrong?

amother

Seagreen

Tue, Jan 30 2024, 1:19 pm

It took my son another 2.5 months to train for number 2. What I found helped was not to make a big deal about it and stick him on the toilet every single time after dirtying his underwear. I made a huge deal if even only a tiny bit went into the toilet. I found placing him sitting backwards on the toilet was a better position than with a potty seat on the toilet.

Most important thing is to try not to let your son get constipated. When I stopped commenting about the accident, all of a sudden my son figured out how to make on the toilet.

Good luck!

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Jan 30 2024, 1:33 pm

Never, ever, wash poopy pants. Discard them straight into the trash. Because the bad feelings are NOT worth what the pants cost. Find a line in the budget for this. It's cheaper than psychiatry.

Pee pants, wash them. Poop, goes into the trash. Don't even look at it.

Don't tell anybody you are doing this, not your husband, not your mother, not the kid either, nobody at all. Have the maid do the same, also silently, if there is a maid.

Some boys think that ANOTHER VERY PERSONAL PART is coming off, when they poop. They see a piece of themselves falling out and gone forever. They aren't sure which is which.

Reassure him that THAT is permanently stuck on, just like a finger. Pull hard on one of your own fingers to show him how strongly it is attached. (A girl wouldn't have that concept.)

The worst men in the worst prisons know how to poop where they should. Even they, who know nothing, know THAT.

Yours will too.

Now, if he is trying to get back at you about other things, that's different. If that's going on, back off about those other things.

Give him some extra hugs. Nobody wants to feel like a filthy poop-machine.

Hey, talk to your own mother. We were all little poopers once.

Brit in Israel

Tue, Jan 30 2024, 1:47 pm

Constipation causes loads of problems.
Don't react in front of your child, after go in a separate room and scream as much as you need quietly.
I had a special book or a coloring tablet and will sit them on the toilet for a while with the activity keeping their mind off the anxiousness of needing to make, breathing techniques also helped- smell the flowers and blow out the candles helps them master breathing.
encourage and something nice each times they manage.
Discuss the toilet routine with all options that may come up so if they have any worries you may pick it up or they will say. e.g if its in school you say when you need you tell the teacher that you need and cant wipe yourself so the teacher knows to come, and if she doesnt come you can try wipe yourself but if you cant manage it doesnt matter I wont be angry even if it dirties your underpants, as long as the poop went into the toilet and not your clothes, we need to get all that ichy poop out of your tummy and bottom...

Hatzlocha!

myname1

Tue, Jan 30 2024, 11:10 pm

Oh wow, this sounds so so frustrating, I feel horrible for both you and him! He sounds like a real sweetie and that he really is trying. It makes me think it's very possibly something physical. Have you gotten anything checked out? I know people talk about severe constipation that makes more come out around it without the child having much control or sensation. I think a GI and x-rays are used to diagnose that. Have you spoken to the pediatrician? Your son is not so big yet but if it's mostly #2 and multiple times every day and he seems to get to the toilet otherwise, it does seem like something more. Good luck, I really hope it gets better soon!

camp123

Tue, Jan 30 2024, 11:54 pm

Get an x-ray to see if he's constipated. Even if he goes regularly he may have poop suck in his rectum. If you feel with this now you'll save a lot of problems in the future. The most common cause of these problems is constipation, but drs are often not helpful with checking this.

salt

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 12:05 am

Offer him praise and prizes every time he poops in the bathroom, but when he has an accident say "don't worry, everyone makes mistakes" - my savta used to say that to my oldest son when that happened to him (ie. his savta raba) - it make him feel so ok about it.

I have to admit I didn't have as much patience as she did.

He used to hold in his BM until he got stomach aches and bad constipation, at which point we would sometimes have to use laxatives which made him feel horrible. It was a bad cycle.

I'm not trying to make this into a "who has it worse" competition - but it's much better that he's letting it out. Teach him to say asher yatzar every time it comes out, even if it's in his underwear.

And I agree with the poster above who says just chuck the underwear - it will make things a lot easier for you, as less frustrated.

Good luck, my DS who I mentioned above is married now and is soon going to be toilet training his little one...

amother

Snow

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 2:53 am

amother OP wrote:

Sounds like you aren’t doing anything wrong and it actually may be encopresis. There have just been a couple of threads here about it.

I have a kid with Enco who was never “fully trained” except he was. But he would have poop accidents. Happy to help answer any questions about it

amother

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 6:27 am

Brit in Israel wrote:

Thank you, he is smart and knows and understands that I get upset, I do have to work on myself not showing him that, it’s just been so frustrating like why can’t u just go he’s a big boy, he could be constipated, whenever he makes a dirty in his underwear which is always it’s just a little bit, than I change him and a half hour passes and he made again, he knows he should be making in the toilet so he doesn’t end up using the bathroom fully, I’ve done the charts, books, videos while he’s on the toilet but it didn’t work, I bribed him with the biggest treats he just doesn’t care.

amother

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 6:29 am

amother Snow wrote:

Thank you for the validation, I feel like the worst mom that he isn’t fully trained, like so many of my friends who have kids his age are trained and it only took a few days to a week.

I’ve never heard of enco? Would love to hear more.

amother

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 6:32 am

salt wrote:

Yes the underwear all goes to the garbage, I usually buy the cheap packs of 10 cause I know their going to the garbage anyways but sometime I’ll buy a cute one with characters on it and say make sure you don’t make in the micky mouse underwear or he’s gonna be very sad….

amother

Wandflower

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 7:45 am

amother OP wrote:

Your child feels that you are frustrated with him. Switch off with your husband if you are not patient to toilet train a 4 year old child.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 7:46 am

amother OP wrote:

fellow mom of kid with encopresis here.
hugs this is SO CHALLENGING!! especially that it has become such a taboo topic..
and yes all other kids this age are trained, but it doesn't make you an incompetent mom. I'm sure you are doing everything you possibly can.

in short, encopresis is when there is stool stuck in the colon, and nmore stool comes and leaks out from the sides of the hard stool. the kid loses sensation and cannot tell that he needs to poop, he is just as shocked as you that hey- he's dirty again! there's a short youtube video explaining encopresis
it's called "the poo in you" it was so helpful for me to understand what's happening

I would strongly recommend you check it out by a pediatric GI. even if you think it's not a medical issue- just rule out the medical stuff first.

Wishing you lots of luck, I hope it gets solved easily!!

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 7:50 am

amother OP wrote:

It took months for me to realize that my kid has a medical issue, it's not just accidents. trashed abt. 8-10 packs of the 10-pack underwear.... make your calculations.

BUT these multipacks come out to a dollar and change per peice. Not worth showing your child frustration over it. !!

Brit in Israel

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 8:01 am

amother OP wrote:

Can you sit him on the toilet after he has had is accident and say we need to wait for all the rest of the poop to come out. It does take patience, I had to do it for my son and it helped leaving the accidents to one a day if he did, I then would give natural laxative daily until his BM was regular for a few days and everything was basically in control.

amother

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 9:35 am

Brit in Israel wrote:

I’ve done that and he just runs off the toilet.

amother

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 9:39 am

amother Snow wrote:

When your child has encopresis nothing behavioral or motivational will work. Its a medical issue that will only resolve after proper laxative treatment

Does it sound like he has this? All I thought was that I have a really difficult toddler who just isn’t getting it, but than like he is a smart kid, didn’t think a medical issue but I’m willing to try anything now.

amother

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 9:41 am

amother Wandflower wrote:

Your child feels that you are frustrated with him. Switch off with your husband if you are not patient to toilet train a 4 year old child.

I know he tells me like “I’m sorry mommy” and than I’m like how can I be upset him, my husband usually is the very chilled calm one but it’s been getting on his nerves as if late.

amother

Snow

Wed, Jan 31 2024, 9:42 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m not a doctor, just a mom of a kid with it and yes it sounds exactly like encopresis