"Wine is always appreciated, but no need to bring anything"?

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 12:22 pm

People usually ask me if they can bring anything or what can they bring. My meals are complete and coordinated and I don't really want or need someone else bringing food. I usually say something like "Wine is always appreciated, but no need to bring anything." Is that polite/okay?

Genius

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 12:23 pm

Choose either of the two. You’re contradicting yourself here. No? I’d just say “wine is always appreciated” because people don’t like to arrive empty handed.

amother

Mulberry

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 12:27 pm

I would never say something so specific. If someone said that to me I would feel like I cant show up without it. Not something I would ever write to someone.

singleagain

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 12:29 pm

Perhaps you should just say nothing is needed. And only then if they persist please tell me what I can bring. Then you can say wine.

amother

Lotus

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 12:29 pm

Many times I will happily take a dish off my plate (no pun intended) if they offer to make something I ask would they like to bring a salad or side. If I don’t want to accept a dish for whatever reason or I know they’re not in the best place to have that extra “stress” I’ll say no need to bring anything. If they respond and say they really want to bring something/ don’t want to show up empty handed I’ll ask them for something simple like buying a drink (not wine but like flavored seltzer) or maybe a store bought dip. I try to gauge each situation separately and respond accordingly.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 12:29 pm

Genius wrote:

Choose either of the two. You’re contradicting yourself here. No? I’d just say “wine is always appreciated” because people don’t like to arrive empty handed.

I'm signaling saying wine's something we can use but you don't have to bring anything and I won't hold it against you if you don't bring anything or depend on you to bring anything. I don't like telling people they NEED to spend $10 on a bottle of wine if they're struggling, or to stress out if they realize Friday afternoon that they have no wine in their house.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 12:32 pm

singleagain wrote:

Perhaps you should just say nothing is needed. And only then if they persist please tell me what I can bring. Then you can say wine.

amother Lotus wrote:

I’ll say no need to bring anything. If they respond and say they really want to bring something/ don’t want to show up empty handed I’ll ask them for something simple like buying a drink (not wine but like flavored seltzer) or maybe a store bought dip. I try to gauge each situation separately and respond accordingly.

All this back and forth seems very stressful and indirect!

Genius

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 12:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

So maybe do what Singleagain suggested above. Because imo once you mention wine the no need to bring anything is moot.

amother

Sand

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 12:37 pm

If someone asks what they can bring I'd just tell them that wine is always appreciated without tacking on the last part. If they don't want to bring anything they shouldn't offer.
And if you feel that telling them that will stress them out or stretch them out, tell them you don't need anything. If they insist you can go back to asking about the wine.
Simple as that.

Last edited by amother on Mon, Nov 27 2023, 6:12 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Lotus

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 12:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

All this back and forth seems very stressful and indirect!

It’s not back and forth or stressful to me. And it’s not indirect on my opinion. It’s just different routes it may take.

Example: Guest: thanks for the invite! What can I bring?
Me: (if I want the help) Thanks for the offer! Do you want to bring a salad or side?
Guest: Sure I can make potato kugel, would that be helpful?
Me: that would be great thanks!

Done

Another scenario:
Guest: thanks for the invite! What can I bring?
Me: (I don’t want help). You’re so sweet! Honestly I think I’m all set but thanks for the offer!
Either it ends there or..
Guest: I really would like to bring something….
Me: ok thanks! Do you want to pick up a dip or a bottle of soda/seltzer?
Guest: sure! I can do that

The end

What’s stressful or indirect about that?

amother

Cantaloupe

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 12:41 pm

As Lotus said above, some friends I do have contribute, but most people I don’t need the help. So when they ask I say no need to bring anything

Rarely has anyone showed up without a wine or dessert anyways

singleagain

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 12:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

All this back and forth seems very stressful and indirect!

I I think the back and forth is probably just the way people were raised. Some people may have been raised to never go somewhere empty-handed whereas other people will always check and if they they're told to know then they just won't

amother

Salmon

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 1:31 pm

I say, "Just bring yourselves," and most people don't protest. Then they bring either candy or wine or sparkling grape juice, and that's all fine. Less common is a homemade dessert or side, and that's fine too.

Occasionally, someone will push back, and those people almost always have something specific they ask to bring. I say it's not necessary, but sure if you want. I don't mind serving something extra, even if it is a little random. I never ever rely on them bringing whatever they suggested, I make all the things I was going to make anyway.

amother

Mocha

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 1:58 pm

Do you want them to bring something? Or you really don't care? I think the people that are brought up to bring something, will bring something whether it's chocolate or wine. Whilst others may not bring anything.
I don't invite people for what they might bring me, it's for the company. If they bring something, well that's great and we'll enjoy but it isn't needed.
I would probably just say something along the lines of I'm all organized, thanks. And if they insisted, I might suggest a salad because you can never have enough salads, or a bottle of drink, whatever would work for them.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:04 pm

To answer some of the recent questions, I'm trying to avoid people not wanting to come empty handed if I tell them "no need to bring anything"... and then bringing something other than wine. I don't like having to feel obligated to put a food item on my table that someone else brought... or having it be awkward if I don't put it on the table. I basically want to say "nothing is totally, totally fine but if you'd like to bring something, bring wine, but you totally don't have to, just don't bring something other than wine."

singleagain

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

In that case you invite me and I say "thank you so much. What can I bring for the meal?"

You say "nothing please just bring yourself"

I say "please I want to bring something"

You say "please bring a bottle of wine"

I think it's the best way to go about it.

It's what an extra 10 seconds to the conversation?

cuffs

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

You seem to feel strongly about this. In this case when the person says can I bring something, I would say no just bring yourselves. If the person insists then I would say, ok can you please bring wine.

amother

Mon, Nov 27 2023, 2:19 pm

singleagain wrote:

I could have the situation where I say "nothing please just bring yourself" and that's the end of the convo and someone brings something other than wine bc they don't want to feel like they're going empty handed...

(Of course, as I said before, someone could just not even ask if they can bring anything and could still bring something I don't want to have to serve...)