My dd resists wearing a bra

amother

Mon, Dec 05 2005, 2:08 am

I need advice re: my dd.

My dd is physically mature for her age. She will be 11 in a few months. When I saw she was developing, I started getting her chamisole style/crop tops. she kvetched that they were bothering her. So I let it slide.

Now she still will only wear her tank top t-shirts under her clothes. but she needs more. I've taken her shopping. A menahelet at school suggested I make it nice outting. We spent 2 hours shopping. She won't wear the bra.

(She has always been a shvitzer. I never insisted she wear tights because of this.)

As a bt I'm at a loss how to deal with this. (Plus I was a late bloomer.)
My dd was raised ffb.

I know I've made alot of clumsy mistakes in chinuch. BH even though she can be chutzpadik at times, she doesn't fight tzinus. I've always attributed this to the fact that I have been very strict with my own dress code. And she see's how I try to accomodate her schvitziness(without compromising tznius)

Tonight, I basically told her that any bra -- even the most comfortable -- will take getting used to.

How to get her to wear it regularly?

Also, I need advice on how to teach tznius and puberty haskafa issues in a positive way. (book and tape referrals would be appreciated.)

Expecting

Mon, Dec 05 2005, 2:53 am

is she embarressed perhaps? my sister was also an early bloomer and due to her embarresment, she didnt want to wear a real bra when she needed it. I am not sure whose idea it was (hers or my mothers) but she started to wear a regular bra under those tshirt bras so no one had to know what she was doing....

elisecohen

Mon, Dec 05 2005, 7:02 am

Would she wear these www.decentexposures.com

My dd has pretty severe sensory integration dysfunction and will not wear any bras except these. She won't even wear the racer back ones because they're not comfy enough, only the classic style. These are wonderful, and are not just camis, they really do function as bras, especially the lycra ones.

They're not cheap like getting at Target or something like that, but if you just get 2 or 3 and she'll actually wear them, it's worth it.

Tovah

Mon, Dec 05 2005, 7:44 am

from my own experience as a girl: I would buy her good support sports bra's ie: champion which is what her classmates are probably wearing when they go to a reg bra she will feel more comftable wearing it to. also try not to talk abt it with her and maybe if can buy it without her and put it in a bag in her room, when she's used to it then talk to her abt it.

LoveMy2Kids

Mon, Dec 05 2005, 8:37 am

I went through this with a cousin of mine. She refused to wear a bra even though she desperately needed it. Often girls are more comfortable going bra shopping with someone other than their mother. Maybe she has an older (20 or so) aunt or cousin she thinks is cool and looks up to. Spending time with this person might be reason enough for her to start wearing a bra. I was an early bloomer myself and remember being upset when I had to start wearing a bra before my friends. It feels awkward, but don't worry too much, she will come around sooner or later. We all do.

avigayil

Mon, Dec 05 2005, 8:47 pm

Your daughter is probably very sensative, as most girls are at this age. This is one of the first signs to her that she is not remaining the child she was. It is a very hard transition to make. In her mind it has nothing to do with tznius, but her identity as a kinder to a real maidaleh.
If she is really only 10, that can be scary.

This subject I would only bring up when the 2 of you are alone, nto even with other female relatives. Suggest then the idea of the cool older aunt (I like that one, once it is okayed by dd). Try REALLY benign t-shirt looking things that look as non-old lady stuff as possible.

Just remind her that she is completely normal, just developling quicker. I know that sounds silly, but she might need that reassurance.

amother

Mon, Dec 05 2005, 8:53 pm

I hated them at first! My mother had to bribe me. And then I had trouble nursing for a while so I wasn't wearing a bra at all (too complicated) and it took a while to feel comfortable in one again. I agree with getting a sports bra, no hooks or anything. Also maybe show her that nobody can tell under her shirt.

amother

Mon, Dec 05 2005, 9:21 pm

There is a very good book for Frum girls that has all info that is needed for a teen,that you probably want to read and discuss with your daughter, I used it for my girls. Hopefully you can still get it . "The wonder of becoming you" by Dr Miriam Grossman, printed by Feldheim. I bought mine years ago at Judaica world in Crown Heights. Try any good book store and ask for it, it likely not to be on display.
A good book about Tznius for teens is "Just my style" written by Malky Touger. Hatzlacha

BrachaVHatzlocha

Tue, Dec 06 2005, 7:01 pm

I also felt uncomfortable when I was ready to wear one in 6th grade....I waited until 7th when I noticed a friend wearing one! I'm sure with time she'll wear one!! (hey, she won't want to be the only one still in an undershirt!)

amother

Tue, Dec 06 2005, 8:34 pm

I remember feeling very self conscious in my first bra. I matured earlier due to medication I was taking that caused water retention.
I remember being in day camp, in the oldest bunk and over hearing that myself and another girl wear "something". I was always very shy, and that killed me.
I was in 6th grade at the time.

raizy

Tue, Dec 06 2005, 10:29 pm

I remember that I matured very early. while everyone else was wearong a training bra I was wearing a normal bra.

what I also remember was the stupid elementary uniform which just made me look HUGE .. what were they thinking... I guess a man designed the uniform and didnt take devoloping girls into consideration.

withhumor

Tue, Aug 08 2006, 6:22 pm

First of all, I’d let her pick whatever color / style she wants no matter how much purple glitter it has What

. Second, I’d tell her that she has a choice – either wear it from when she comes home from school until she goes to sleep, or every shabbos. There’s power in giving a choice of two things that both of them make sure you get at least half the job done.

JMto2

Wed, Aug 09 2006, 11:14 am

I had to wear a bra when in 6th grade and yes I was embarassed to do it it took a lot of getting used to, tell her you will buy her the full undershirts and no one will see it she is probably scared that everyone will realize.

Imhappy!

Wed, Aug 09 2006, 2:06 pm

amother wrote:

I read the book -the wonder of becoming you
and thought it was a waste of time

my mother got me this book at age 12 and I thought it was great.

btw Amother what you said was loshen horah even if you are anonymous

proudema

Wed, Aug 09 2006, 3:07 pm

Um, to those adults who hate wearing a bra and dont wear one at home... you do realize that a bra supports your breasts and helps to keep them from sagging in later years.... I know that bras are uncomfortable but it's well worth it...