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Forum -> Computers, Phones and Devices -> Social Media

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amother

Thu, Oct 19 2023, 8:24 am

amother Caramel wrote:

Why aren't you deleting your email address?

I tried, but Gmail wants to send me an SMS to confirm it's me and I don't have that capability on my kosher phone. Not sure how to get around this.

amother

Thu, Oct 19 2023, 8:29 am

amother Papayawhip wrote:

OP, stop waiting to see if he answered you. You're still holding onto that attachment

I'm actually very relieved that he didn't answer me. I have no intention of continuing any conversation with him.

amother

Fri, Oct 20 2023, 4:32 am

I just want to thank all of you for helping me see more clearly how not okay the situation was. I had an uneasy feeling about it before, but seeing your posts made me realize just how out of line he was (not saying I didn't go along with it, but he was the one who initiated the communication each time). And the fact that he emailed me to check on me also doesn't feel okay to me. It helps to share with other people who aren't emotionally involved to get a better perspective.

BH I have successfully stayed away from Prog since motzei Shabbos, though I have had occasional itches to peek in for a second and see what's going on without posting anything. And he hasn't emailed me in 2 days so I assume he's not going to at this point, which is a big relief for me. Glad to be done with this parsha in my life.

I'm still working on limiting my computer time, which is a huge struggle for me, but eating meals at the table has been going well and I hope to take another baby step after that.

Thanks to all of you for letting me vent here.

amother

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 5:38 pm

Update: He emailed me again and said he was glad to hear I was okay and was just curious why I left. After some deliberation, I decided to answer him. I wrote to him honestly that our email exchanges had made me somewhat uncomfortable and that they also opened my eyes to the fact that Prog had dulled my sensitivies to appropriate boundaries between men and women, so I decided to leave. He thanked me for my honesty and apologized, and we wished each other and Klal Yisroel besuros tovos... and then I deleted that email account. So now it's officially over and we have no way of contacting each other.

I confess that I did check into Prog twice very briefly but without logging in so I could only read but not post, and quite frankly, it suddenly seemed really boring and uninteresting to me.

amother

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 6:05 pm

I just want to add that I'm not feeling good about this right now. I know intellectually I did the right thing, but emotionally I'm a bit down about it.

amother

Lightcoral

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 7:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

I just want to add that I'm not feeling good about this right now. I know intellectually I did the right thing, but emotionally I'm a bit down about it.

Are you talking about the latest email to him?
What's done is done and just pray that you ignited the thought in his head to maybe stop what he is doing. You don't know how many other women he can also be messaging.
Well done for stopping Prog and deleting email.
We are all cheering you on.

amother

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 11:38 pm

Quote:

No, I'm saying that I'm a bit sad that we will no longer be in touch even though I know it's what had to happen. I'll get past it quickly, but for now I'm still a little down about it. He helped me a lot and was truly there for me, and I enjoyed it more than I would like to admit. While I'm glad it's over, it's still hard.

amother

Whitesmoke

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 1:23 am

You basically had a bit of an emotional affair. It’s not a physical extramarital affair but it’s still hard to get past and get over it. You did the right thing.

amother

Celeste

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 1:44 am

Wow Op I admire your honesty.

amother

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 1:46 am

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

You basically had a bit of an emotional affair. It’s not a physical extramarital affair but it’s still hard to get past and get over it. You did the right thing.

I definitely did the right thing.

I don't think I had an emotional affair. No feelings were expressed toward each other ever. (We don't even know each other's names or anything at all about each other.) There were maybe 6 email exchanges between us in total with several weeks passing between each one. They started as technical and then developed into more about ideas, and the most recent exchange was about a post of mine where I expressed emotional distress and he gave me some advice and told me how moved he was by my post and we both expressed some emotion (about what was going on down south), but never toward each other. So I would call it more of a friendship than an emotional affair, but in either case, it should not have happened and it had to end.

In the past I have had some weirdos from Prog contact me by email and be very clearly inappropriate, and I reported them to Prog and they were immediately blocked. In this case, I'm not sure what to do. It really seemed to start out innocently and then we both got carried away a bit, though boundaries always remained in place. OTOH, I do wonder if I'm being naive and he has done this with others, in which case he should be reported. He doesn't come across the way the other ones did at all, so I'm uncertain.

amother

Lightcoral

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 2:46 am

OP would it have been the same interaction in person?
example you were both sitting in the park and the topic about the south came up, would you have both spoken to each other (without knowing names) at all never mind about emotions?
You don't have to know each others name to make it a problem.
If you wouldn't do it in person what makes it through a computer screen permissable?

The fact that he noticed you haven't posted on Prog for a few days shows you are on his mind a lot, not only when he sees your username whilst logged in.
I wouldn't be surprised if on a daily basis he would have in his head after work/learning I will log in to see if X posted anything.
You have to remember Men's mind work different to ours.
What matters know is that you have put a stop to it and you can't feel bad.
Emotional affairs start at a low point it doesn't go from zero to full feelings in a few days.

I don't want to come down harsh. What you have done is tremendous but don't let yourself second guess if what was, really wasn't an issue.

Hugs!

amother

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 2:58 am

amother Lightcoral wrote:

Oh, I have no doubt that it was an issue. I'm not sure where you saw that I questioned that. No way would we speak that way in person, and I clearly wrote that I know it was not okay. I just called it a friendship as opposed to an emotional affair, and no, I do not think a friendship between a man and a woman is permissible. I am not second guessing myself about what I did. I know I had to end it. That is not what my deliberation was about.

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 4:49 am

Wow OP. Kol hakavod! I know we don't know each other, but I really feel proud of you.
I'm glad you made this space here for yourself to get support as you made this change. On that note I think we should stick to supporting you instead of giving opinions on how bad it was etc, especially now that you're moving forward!

One thing I found helpful know a similar situation was to daven that my actions should be a zechus for something important to me. That way I got strength that my decision was continuing to do something for me while it was also making me sad.

Cheering you on!!

amother

Tue, Oct 24 2023, 9:39 am

Quote:

Thanks! I'm barely thinking about him anymore so I'm in a better place now BH

I have been doing a lot of that type of davening lately especially considering what's going on here in Israel. This is definitely another opportunity.

loveraizy

Wed, Oct 25 2023, 9:05 am

what kid of forum is it? I tried googling it.

amother OP wrote:

This isn't social media per se but close enough.

I've become addicted to the Israeli Chareidi forum called Prog. It's officially for Chareidi professionals to discuss work-related topics but also has a lot of chitchat about random topics. It's extremely addictive and distracting and I was wasting several hours on it every day. It's moderated very closely since it's for men and women and people tend to become friendly there, but there is still open conversation between the genders and while I enjoy it, it's a guilty pleasure.

What made me finally block it was that recently someone posted something for sale and I was interested so I contacted him for more information. Since then, sometimes when I post something, he emails me comments about my post. He uses an anonymous email address so I don't know his name or anything about him, but he discusses his emotions openly and I find myself opening up to him about mine. It's clear from his posts that he's a talmid chochom and we've never crossed any boundaries, but I'm not comfortable getting into deep discussions with an unrelated anonymous man. So last night right after havdala I decided to do myself a favor and block Prog.

Problem is I keep getting urges to go back there. Late last night I unblocked it and logged in for a total of two minutes and logged back out, but today I haven't been on all day. Instead I've been wasting time on YouTube. (I struggle with internet addiction so it will always be one thing or another.) I would be happy for some chizzuk so I don't go back there and regret it. I know that if enough times goes by, it will become less of a yetzer hora for me, but I could use support to get through the first few days/weeks.

TIA

amother

Wed, Oct 25 2023, 9:35 am

loveraizy wrote:

what kid of forum is it? I tried googling it.

It's in Hebrew. It's officially for Chareidi professionals to network with each other, but it's used for discussing all kinds of random topics mostly unrelated to work. My son calls it the Chareidi facebook.

amother

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 4:58 pm

He wrote to me again. I'm copy/pasting it to here for those who know Hebrew. For those who don't, in a nutshell what he wrote is that I should have just blocked him and not Prog.

אמת? התלבטתי רבות אם לכתוב משהו.
גם אין כל כך סיכוי שתקראי.
אולי רק בגלל הסקרנות יש סיכויון קל.
אז אתמוך יתידותי על יצר הסקרנות הטבעי כדי לשלול את הטענה הזאת.

התלבטתי רבות על הכתיבה, משום שמצד אחד זה מרגיש מאוד לא מתאים לכתוב אחרי הסערה שנוצרה.
(ואצלי עוד לא נרגעה לגמרי, משום מה).
מצד שני, היה קשה לי להמשיך הלאה לגמרי בלי לכתוב מה שהפריע לי.
וכתבתי את הדברים אחרי הרבה מחשבות.
הענין שהן באות זו אחר זו, לא מסודרות כל כך, ולכן הכתיבה גם היא משקפת את חוסר הרגיעה הלזה.

וכלפי מה הדברים אמורים?
כלפי ההחלטה הגורפת שלך לחסום את פרוג.
ואני, איני מקבל מהם דיבידנדים על כל לקוח, אף איני מכירם כראוי, אין לי נגיעה מצד זה.
איני אלא ניק עלום שקיבל הרבה דברים טובים מהפורום הנפלא הזה.

ומהדברים שלך אני למד שגם את נהנית מהשיתוף שם.
מקבוצת התמיכה שהיית חברה בה.
מהמידע שהיה ב'איש את רעהו'.
ועוד.
אלא מאי?
באה הסערה האחרונה וטרפה את הקלפים כולם.
החריבה והשמידה עד שהחלטת לסגור הכל.

ובאמת, בתור 'סייג' את לכאורה צודקת.
אבל כשאני מנתח את הדברים כפי שהם מהצד שלי, נראה לי שלא פרוג הוא הבעייתי.
המייל וההתכתבות מצידי הם הבעייתיים.
אם כבר, מה שאת צריכה זה לחסום את הכתובת מייל שלי.
בלעדיה, גם השיתוף הציבורי שם היה מקבל פנים אחרות.
גם ההומור הציבורי הבין-מגדרי יש לו גבולות ברורים שנראה לי שאינם נפרצים (בפרוג).
ואם יש ניק בעייתי אחד (כגון אני, במקרה הזה), יש אפשרות לחסום אותו.

אז מה אני מתכוין בכל המלל הזה?
שמצד אחד אני מבין את ההחלטה, ואיך אוכל לכתוב להיפך, וכי אני יכול לקבל עלי את האחריות לפירצה אפשרית נוספת?
מצד שני, אני חושב שעיקר הבעיה היא לא שם.
עיקר הבעיה היא במייל, שהוא דבר אישי יותר.
ובזה אני אשם.
לא הייתי צריך לשלוח מייל. (זה אכן נראה כמו לתת עזרה, אבל בגלל הבעיה המגדרית יש בזה חסרון שצריך לקחת בחשבון. לא תועיל לי ההתנצלות של הדאגה כשיש אחריה אפשרות של חרטה גדולה).

נראה לי שאם הדברים היו ממשיכים להתנהל מעל הפורום בלבד, לא היתה בזה בעיה גם מצידך.

הענין הוא שאני לא כל כך בטוח בזה.
ולכן, אם באמת נראה לך שעצם החשיפה לפורום וההשתתפות בו גורמת לקירור החינוך השמרני, תמחקי את כל האמור לעיל, ואין לי אלא לומר לך שתחזקנה ידייך על ההחלטה האמיצה שלך!!

בקיצור, כתבתי כל מה שהיה לי בראש להגיד.
קצת סבוך, קצת מעורפל, קצת הגיגי.
אבל אלה הם הצדדים.
ועיקר מה שחשבתי עליו הוא, שאולי בגללי הפסדת דברים טובים שהיו לך.
ועל כך התנצלותי שנית (ולא כמו שכתבת שאני לא צריך להתנצל. כי פתיחת שרשור לחוד וזרימה לחוד).

היי שלום,
ויהי רצון שתראי הצלחה בכל מה שתעשי!

amother

Gardenia

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 5:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't like that he's emailing you again after you explained that you didn't feel comfortable emailing him, or that he's trying to get you to go back to writing somewhere that he can read your posts.

I think you should stay strong in your decision to leave prog, and also take his advice and block his email so he can't message you like this again. I don't think you should email him again, it doesn't seem like he's so ready to let go and he will likely keep responding to you.

LovesHashem

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 5:16 pm

Listen. It's a lot of Hebrew and fancy words. I get the gist and most of what he said.

Honestly he just sounds like he's trying to persuade you. You left the site not because if the men and women, that's the extra straw that broke the camels back, but because it was inappropriate, time consuming, addictive etc. Even if you block each other all those issues remain.

To be very honest, I know you say he's a Ben Torah, but no Ben Torah I know would go on a forum, frum or not. And definitely not one with women. All the Ben Torah I know are way too busy, taking are of their families, learning, wiring shuirim, working hide hustles, earning safrus, going to minyan 3 times a day, being a rebbi, rav, mashigiach or some other Torah job, making dinner for their kids etc....

You just can't trust anyone on the internet. You don't know him and he can just be any person for all you know he's not even religious. On this site we have issues with people lying about who they are, you need to take everything with a grain of salt

LovesHashem

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 5:17 pm

amother Gardenia wrote:

Agreed, also his email to you is so weirdly long it reads like a poem or something. Like why is he writing so much like deep emotional thoughts to you in such a poetic way?

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