Blocked Prog and need encouragement to stay away

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Forum -> Computers, Phones and Devices -> Social Media

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amother

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 2:27 pm

This isn't social media per se but close enough.

I've become addicted to the Israeli Chareidi forum called Prog. It's officially for Chareidi professionals to discuss work-related topics but also has a lot of chitchat about random topics. It's extremely addictive and distracting and I was wasting several hours on it every day. It's moderated very closely since it's for men and women and people tend to become friendly there, but there is still open conversation between the genders and while I enjoy it, it's a guilty pleasure.

What made me finally block it was that recently someone posted something for sale and I was interested so I contacted him for more information. Since then, sometimes when I post something, he emails me comments about my post. He uses an anonymous email address so I don't know his name or anything about him, but he discusses his emotions openly and I find myself opening up to him about mine. It's clear from his posts that he's a talmid chochom and we've never crossed any boundaries, but I'm not comfortable getting into deep discussions with an unrelated anonymous man. So last night right after havdala I decided to do myself a favor and block Prog.

Problem is I keep getting urges to go back there. Late last night I unblocked it and logged in for a total of two minutes and logged back out, but today I haven't been on all day. Instead I've been wasting time on YouTube. (I struggle with internet addiction so it will always be one thing or another.) I would be happy for some chizzuk so I don't go back there and regret it. I know that if enough times goes by, it will become less of a yetzer hora for me, but I could use support to get through the first few days/weeks.

TIA

bebrave

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 2:38 pm

Good that you blocked it, not easy! But if you have 2/3 spare hours in your day, why not get an extra job and then you won't have that time to waste

amother

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 2:43 pm

bebrave wrote:

Good that you blocked it, not easy! But if you have 2/3 spare hours in your day, why not get an extra job and then you won't have that time to waste

I wish it were that simple. I don't have a free minute to waste and my house and kids have been paying a heavy price. embarrassed

amother

DarkViolet

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 2:48 pm

No easy. Make this your accountability thread and post here when you have that itch?

amother

Melon

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 2:51 pm

He's not such a talmid chacham if he's reaching to to an anonymous frum woman and discussing his feelings openly.

At best he's a hypocrite. He probably won't look at photos of women right

bebrave

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 2:57 pm

Perhaps deal with the root of the issue rather than the symptoms. What's causing you to behave like that

amother

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 3:54 pm

amother DarkViolet wrote:

No easy. Make this your accountability thread and post here when you have that itch?

Good idea. Thanks!

amother

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 3:56 pm

amother Melon wrote:

He's not such a talmid chacham if he's reaching to to an anonymous frum woman and discussing his feelings openly.

At best he's a hypocrite. He probably won't look at photos of women right

I didn't say he's a tzaddik. He's very knowledgeable and seems to honestly be a good person. He clearly has boundaries and doesn't cross them, but somehow over time we somehow got into deeper discussions.

amother

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 3:56 pm

bebrave wrote:

Perhaps deal with the root of the issue rather than the symptoms. What's causing you to behave like that

That's a whole lot easier said than done.

amother

Alyssum

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 4:42 pm

Can’t you just block this one man?

Cheiny

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 5:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

First, if he’s a true and sincere talmid chacham, with no nefarious intentions, he wouldn’t be having “deep discussions” with a woman on the internet.

Second, I very much admire you and how you realized this was becoming problematic for you, and taking steps to stop.

Of course the yetzer hara isn’t happy about your spiritual growth and strength, and will do all it can to entice you to go back. I hope you stay strong.

Perhaps tell yourself this huge step is your part in being nosei ol with our suffering brethren in Israel. That might be a good incentive for you to stay strong. In the meantime can you find something else you enjoy doing instead, whenever you get the urge to get back on the site?

amother

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 7:06 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

Can’t you just block this one man?

The situation with this man was the straw that broke the camel's back. I've been needing to leave for a long time.

amother

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 7:07 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Thanks, I appreciate your kind words.

Yes, there are plenty of other things I can be doing instead.

amother

Springgreen

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 7:31 pm

I could have written almost exactly what you are writing now, but a few years ago.
Choosing to leave the online community that I did was the best decision ever. The withdrawal symptoms lasted for a little bit longer than I thought... it might for you as well, but stay strong.

It'll pass.

BH, I joined some groups of frum women learning different things, and that provides me with some of the intellectual stimulation I craved (and therefore found so hard to quit) but in a healthy and completely kosher way.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 8:16 pm

Good for you OP!

amother

Birch

Sun, Oct 15 2023, 9:12 pm

amother Springgreen wrote:

Did u find in person groups?

amother

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 1:09 am

Thanks everyone for the support. Yesterday I successfully stayed away the entire day.

I'm going to make this my accountability thread for internet use in general. Maybe that will help.

My goal for today is not to eat my meals at the computer. I usually eat three meals a day in my bedroom since that's where the computer is. (I don't have a laptop or smartphone, only a desktop.) If I eat in the kitchen, that will already be at least one hour less at the computer and one hour more with my family.

No criticism please. I know it's bad. Encouragement is welcome.

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 1:20 am

Hatzlacha OP! You're doing amazing 👏
Years back I had a habit I broke in a similar fashion. One thing that helped me keep to it was making the stopping monumental. I know you already started, but maybe you want to try doing something for yourself to emphasize your decision? For me it was taking some time alone just for this and I used it to journal, talk to Hashem, and write a song. I found that just the memory of this amazing that hour was to have really helped me when the temptation was strong.
You got this!!

amother

Caramel

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 1:37 am

[quote="amother OP"

What made me finally block it was that recently someone posted something for sale and I was interested so I contacted him for more information. Since then, sometimes when I post something, he emails me comments about my post. He uses an anonymous email address so I don't know his name or anything about him, but he discusses his emotions openly and I find myself opening up to him about mine. It's clear from his posts that he's a talmid chochom and we've never crossed any boundaries, but I'm not comfortable getting into deep discussions with an unrelated anonymous man. So last night right after havdala I decided to do myself a favor and block Prog.
[/quote]

Please don't fool yourself, discussing emotions openly IS crossing boundaries. He's baiting you and has probably done this to plenty other women.
Can you block him on prog?
Can he still email you directly to your inbox?
You need to protect yourself!

amother

Mon, Oct 16 2023, 2:16 am

amother Caramel wrote:

Please don't fool yourself, discussing emotions openly IS crossing boundaries. He's baiting you and has probably done this to plenty other women.
Can you block him on prog?
Can he still email you directly to your inbox?
You need to protect yourself!

I agree that it is crossing boundaries, but there's a lot of that going on openly on Prog. Especially now during the war, there are threads about how people are handling things emotionally, and men and women are discussing these things and supporting each other. That's why it didn't feel so off when he emailed and told me how moved he was by my post, since he had just supported me publicly anyway (he actually really helped me get out of a deep rut--I was in a very bad place emotionally and he has a deep understanding of emotions and was able to help me figure out where it was coming from and what to do about it--and all this was publicly on Prog), and then from there we had a deeper email discussion about our emotions. It wasn't long, he wrote something, I thanked him, he wrote more, I wrote more, and then he thanked me and ended it. The conversations never go on very long. This has happened around three times, and while I enjoyed the exchange, deep down I knew it wasn't okay. I don't think he's baiting me though, I think he's just getting carried away like I was.

He can't send me a private message on Prog since he doesn't have a paid membership and only paid members can send private messages. He can still email me, but he only does that based off a post I've written on Prog, so I can't see him doing it stam except to check in and see if I'm okay, in which case I'll just write that I'm fine and have chosen to leave Prog. Truth is, the email address I've been communicating with him from is under a fake name and I plan to eventually close that account since I no longer have a need for it, so pretty soon he won't have any way of contacting me.

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