4 yr old & lights on Shabbos

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children -> Toddlers

1 2 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 11:53 am

We always taught my child that she should turn a light of when she goes out of a room. Ever since she can reach, she turns on & off lights when entering & leaving a room. 2 years ago, I tried light covers- but she would just move them.

This past Summer, she was also turning off the AC (portable unit) when she was cold, including on Shabbos.

For the AC we made a universal rule that only adults are allowed to touch it, but the lights are becoming a struggle. I don't want to say "we are not allowed to do this on Shabbos", but I also want her to stop touching the lights.

I was thinking of maybe buying new light covers and erev Shabbos she can decorate them with stickers and put them on the light switches. But I'm not sure what to tell her about lights and Shabbos in a way that won't make her think of Shabbos negatively.

Any ideas?

amother

Holly

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 11:55 am

Why don't you want to tell her we don't turn on and off lights on shabbos?

amother

Seashell

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 12:00 pm

The whole point of chinuch is that they should learn the halachos. If you aren’t going to tell her that she can’t turn on and off the lights then how are you being mechanech her?

Same for every other halacha like kosher, kibud aim etc. not being able to do things is part of yiddishkeit.

We do things that are special for shabbos like shabbos party, special clothes etc and my kids know it’s a special day. Part of what makes it special is that there are things that we don’t do. If we did melacha it would just be a regular day.

I encourage you to take a frum parenting class.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 12:02 pm

Why don't you want to tell her that we're not allowed to turn on/off lights on shabbos? That's your job as a parent to teach her. It's not a negative thing.

tichellady

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 12:19 pm

Tell her that we let the lights rest on Shabbat and we don’t touch them. It will take her a while to get it but you will just repeat patiently and preempt it as much as you can

amother

Ebony

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 12:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

Why in the world would she think negatively about shabbos if she can’t turn off lights. Most of us were taught the same and don’t have negative associations with shabbos.

amother

Brunette

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 12:31 pm

Teach her
Show her the joy
And
Use light covers on shabbos and YT

amother

Lightyellow

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 12:32 pm

I just tell them. They make mistakes and we don't get angry, just remind.

flowerpower

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 12:37 pm

Teach her about muktzah and shabbos. It doesn’t have to be a negative experience!

amother

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 12:40 pm

Hi sorry, I did not mean that I don't want her to know we can't touch lights on Shabbos.
Just for the past 2 years, whenever I see her about to do it I say "remember we don't do that on Shabbos" or if she did it already I say "we weren't really supposed to do that on Shabbos". She knows the halachos. If I was knowingly doing melacha, I wouldn't want someone reminding me of it every time.
I once spoke to parenting expert about child wanting to watch TV on Shabbos, and I was told that instead of saying we don't do that on Shabbos to say we are not doing it right now because we don't want the child to not like Shabbos cuz then they can't watch TV

She is very aware of the concept of Shabbos! We even have special toys & books for Shabbos, we eat all her favorite foods... she looks forward to Shabbos.

If she plays with a muktza toy I don't tell her off for it- correct me if I'm wrong but if I don't think she can understand what makes something muktza and doesn't, but the lights effect our life so that is an issue...

amother

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 12:41 pm

tichellady wrote:

Tell her that we let the lights rest on Shabbat and we don’t touch them. It will take her a while to get it but you will just repeat patiently and preempt it as much as you can

This is a great way to say it! Thank you!

amother

Lemonlime

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 12:44 pm

have her put on the light covers while teaching her that this is a reminder of not using it on shabbos.....

amother

Seablue

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 12:45 pm

OP can you explain why you don’t want to tell her she can’t turn off lights on shabbos? We are all asking why you don’t want to tell her she can’t turn off a light on shabbos yet you have no problem telling her she can’t touch the air conditioner. What specifically is it you’re worried about ? Why would you think it would cause your daughter to have negative feelings towards shabbos? Did you have negative feelings about it growing up? Did perhaps you once left your light on and had to sleep with your light on and resented that Halacha? Did you perhaps need to find something and it was too dark and resented the Halacha? Did someone once scream , shame, or make you feel bad about turning on/off light when you were younger? Did you witness someone being yelled at for it? Please explain what your fear is in telling her we aren’t allowed to. There must be something in your self that has a negative experience with it or something in your child (like she’s scared of the dark ….) that’s making you fear it will be received in a negative way. Majority of us have no fear in telling our children they can’t turn off the lights on shabbos and is not something most of us even stop to consider any negative feelings towards as it isn’t. There must be something specific for you or your child that is causing you to feel this way. Please explain what you fear she will feel if you tell her she can’t turn off the lights on shabbos so we can better assist you in your concerns. I assume she knows we can’t go in the car on shabbos and I assume you weren’t scared to tell her that. Does she complain about it? Is that why your scared to give her more restrictions? Please elaborate what you are specifically concerned about in telling her this Halacha so you can get better suggestions.

NechaMom

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 12:55 pm

Why can’t you tell her that Shabbos we are not allowed to turn off lights or watch TV but we are allowed to do so many other exciting things. Save special games and treats just for Shabbos so she should affiliate Shabbos with goodies.
I don’t know who your parenting expert was but sounds so confusing and silly to say we can’t watch now instead of saying on Shabbos.
If you don’t make it into a negative then it won’t be.

amother

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 2:26 pm

NechaMom wrote:

I disagree with this. This is a 4 year old, not a 10 year old. There are adults who have problems not using their phones on Shabbos. Telling a 4 year old "we don't watch TV on Shabbos in my opinion is like saying " we don't eat candy on Shabbos".

amother

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 2:27 pm

NechaMom wrote:

We already save special toys and foods for Shabbos, but I can tell her we can't do XYZ but we could do...

Ema of 5

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 2:31 pm

Let setting everything for shabbos be her job. She can turn on the lights for shabbos every week, and she can decorate and put on the covers. Tell her that we leave the light on special so they can greet shabbos and give us light the whole shabbos.

amother

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 2:33 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

Well the AC is always a no even during the week. I let her touch the lights during the week.
My problem is that she is constantly touching lights on Shabbos so I would be reminding her at least 6 times over Shabbos not to touch the lights. That's a lot of times to hear "you are not allowed to..."
I don't think anybody wants to constantly be told they really shouldn't do something.
We don't drive a car on Shabbos but that isn't something that seems to be a problem for her and she is aware of the halacha. She never asks to go in the car on Shabbos.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 2:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

It seems like you have a bad association with shabbos, and are passing it on to your kids. This is not ok. Please seek parenting guidance from a frum expert. A 4 year old is not a baby. They're old enough to understand the concept of Shabbos.

amother

Thu, Oct 12 2023, 2:38 pm

amother Turquoise wrote:

It seems like you have a bad association with shabbos, and are passing it on to your kids. This is not ok. Please seek parenting guidance from a frum expert.

Well actually, these feelings come from the first time she asked for TV on Shabbos, I told her we don't watch on Shabbos... so she asked when Shabbos would be over so she can ask me again then.

Page 1 of 2

1 2 Next