Unspoken expectations

amother

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 10:01 am

Sometimes I have this crazy pressure to invite someone or a family eventhough they haven't explicitly asked. I just feel the unspoken expectation as if I owe it to them
I can't always host and so I end up feeling guilty
Anyone else?

amother

Bergamot

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 10:16 am

amother OP wrote:

Why when and to whom do you feel this way?

Goody2shoes

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 3:27 pm

I get this feeling when a friend or family member trys everything they can think of to get an invite without having to ask for one.
If I could I invite, if I can't I feel guilty and wonder how they managed.
.

amother

Tomato

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 3:48 pm

amother OP wrote:

Are these your parents or children?

Or someone else?

amother

Firebrick

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 4:06 pm

Totally. As the older sister, I feel like everyone expects to be invited every little while.
Especially after we moved to a bigger house - we had to give everyone a turn.

amother

Bergamot

Fri, Sep 08 2023, 2:45 am

amother OP wrote:

It's usually siblings and acquaintances who I don't really owe anything to

When do you feel this obligation to them?

amother

Lemon

Fri, Sep 08 2023, 2:54 am

We have this here in Israel. Everyone in America who you have any connection to strongly pressures to have their girls/boys. They don't understand that it can just be too hard for us and that they are one of many requests.

amother

Fri, Sep 08 2023, 4:51 am

amother Lemon wrote:

How do you navigate this? How don't people realize that kollel couples are often not financially comfortable enough to host regularly

amother

Bergamot

Fri, Sep 08 2023, 6:20 am

Op, are you talking about situations where you are asked to host? Or you feel that people expect you to host but they aren't asking?

amother

NeonGreen

Fri, Sep 08 2023, 6:24 am

amother Lemon wrote:

Sometimes, they don't really have anywhere to go. (This is the definition of true hachnosas orchim, vs socializing with family and friends.)

When I was in seminary, one week I called 29 random people from a list, until one agreed to have me for shabbos.

essie14

Fri, Sep 08 2023, 6:33 am

amother OP wrote:

How do you navigate this? How don't people realize that kollel couples are often not financially comfortable enough to host regularly

I'm.a different poster, but we only host kids who we have a real connection to. Not some random person that was a year ahead of me in High school 25 years ago who now has a son in yeshiva and messages me on Facebook.
We keep it to close friends and family's kids.

amother

Fri, Sep 08 2023, 6:54 am

amother Bergamot wrote:

Op, are you talking about situations where you are asked to host? Or you feel that people expect you to host but they aren't asking?

They aren't explicitly asking but I know they're kind of expecting an invitation

amother

Bergamot

Fri, Sep 08 2023, 9:12 am

amother OP wrote:

They aren't explicitly asking but I know they're kind of expecting an invitation

How do you know?
Why not let them ask?
Then you can agree when it works and not when it doesn't
Why are you putting this on yourself?!

amother

Dahlia

Fri, Sep 08 2023, 4:03 pm

amother NeonGreen wrote:

OT but this is one of my big gripes against the sem/yeshiva in Israel system. For what parents are shelling out, you'd think they could make sure the kids have a place to eat on Shabbat and not leave them to sink, swim or starve. It's as unfair to the Kollel families as it is to the kids. An administrator told me it's to teach the kids self-reliance. Baloney. How is it self reliant to beg people to take you in and feed you? Talk about humiliation, turning into a beggar every week, and off poor people, too!

amother

Marigold

Sat, Sep 09 2023, 7:02 pm

amother Dahlia wrote:

It's so awful. I would never send a kid to such a place. And I have a relative in Jerusalem who is more than happy to host on a regular basis but that doesn't mean they're available literally every time it's needed. So not worth the risk.

amother

NeonGreen

Sat, Sep 09 2023, 8:19 pm

amother Dahlia wrote:

I agree completely. Overall I loved seminary though, and being in EY, the experience was deeply transformative in my life.

Back on topic, my point was that sometimes if someone is asking or hinting, they actually need a place. This is true hachnosas orchim.