Chizuk - daughter rejected because of her size

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Parenting our children

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Cyan

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 9:17 am

I got married at a size 14/16 to a tall, broad guy who is absolutely obsessed with me. Even when I felt awful and heavy, he loved me and cherished me. He buckled down on his eating/food behaviors/exercise a few years into our marriage (when family members suffered from serious health challenges related to obesity) and even after he shed dozens of pounds, he never once said a word about me and continued to shower me with compliments, attention and love. B"H I'm in a healthier, smaller size now and he remains my biggest fan.

Of course I'm not blind and have my own concerns about my chunkier daughter but I know Hashem has a plan for her as He does for each one of my kids and for your daughter as well. There is a zivug out there for her, who will adore her for who she is inside and out! May they find each other easily!

amother

Forestgreen

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 9:29 am

We were all secretly worried about my niece who is very tall and despite all her efforts, very very large.
Well, she got married very young to a tall broad guy! They are just the cutest couple, perfect all around, and now that they’re married, no one gives two flips about her weight!! She’s finally a person recognized for her many many many incredible maalos, middos, and accomplishments

What a sad twisted upside down world we live in!

amother

Apple

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 9:32 am

Don't know if this makes you feel better. I have a daughter in shidduchim 4 years - she's hardly gone out. Nothing wrong with her, just I think we're invisible - not sure what. We have a very small family and she's met tons of shadchonim - none seem to have time for her.

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 10:20 am

Just want to tell you OP (when I saw the title of this post) that my very petite daughter was rejected multiple times by guys who thought there was too little of her (or their mothers). I know it doesn't carry the same stigma in our society as weight does, but the truth is, none of those guys were basherte for her. BH she's engaged to a really nice guy who is on the shorter side but is tall compared to her (and likely got turned down by girls who would only date someone over a certain height!)

I've posted many times that my niece, who is a more broad-built but gorgeous girl, married a skinny guy. Just a short while before she met him, a Shadchan told her that she's gorgeous, so all she needs to do is starve herself basically and then she can redt her some great Shidduchim. My sister was furious! Basic message to girl - if you want a good shidduch, develop an eating disorder pronto. BH as you can see from posts in this thread, there are still normal people out there, and the guy who is meant for your daughter will BEH be one of them. You don't WANT this "great" guy (or his mother) for your daughter. You want someone who will see her for her beautiful self.

Wishing her much Hatzlacha in shidduchim. She should meet her basherte soon!

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 10:22 am

amother Apple wrote:

This is the reality of many girls today...but you only need one! And when the right guy comes, you don't need to have had anyone else. It's really hard though, during that time. Wishing you much Hatzlacha!

scruffy

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 10:22 am

Chayalle wrote:

Mazel tov!!

amother

NeonOrange

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 10:24 am

Chayalle wrote:

So true! I got married at 23, and I had only been on 2 dates before my husband

Odelyah

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 10:29 am

Wow Chayalle Mazel tov!!! Such wonderful news!!

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 10:43 am

Thanks all....I don't want to derail this thread but your good wishes are appreciated!

amother

Amaranthus

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 10:46 am

amother OP wrote:

that was an assumption
we focused on healthy eating not on size bashing
we focused on healthy movement
she has a very healthy body image THANK G-D

Those things are all things that are not about "watching her weight," which is what you mentioned before. You clearly implied you think her size is a problem, which it isn't, and that's not conducive to a healthy body image.

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 10:48 am

such encouraging validating responses
Imamother rocks

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 10:51 am

amother OP wrote:

G-d knows how we tried to get her to watch her weight

I think people are reacting to this.

I think everyone should try to eat healthy, get sufficient exercise, and take care of their health, regardless of their size/weight. I can tell you this was a big focus for us with a petite daughter....we learned that getting the right kind of nutrition and exercise can add inches to height.

Beyond that, we have to accept our kids' sizes and know that Hashem is the one who created them this way. Ain Tzur (tzayor) K'elokeinu. Hashem makes us in all shapes and sizes, and that's how we're meant to be. We don't have to try to change that.

amother

Mint

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 10:52 am

The crazy part is that all of us married ladies know that none of these superficials bring happiness or shalom bayis. What really does is being with a person who is kind, warm, happy, committed to Torah umitzvot and a team player. This is what both boys and girls should be looking for, and yet so many focus on weight, height...

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 10:54 am

amother Mint wrote:

Absolutely this. And these are things that last. It's been a long time since I was my dating/wedding size.....

#BestBubby

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 10:58 am

Chayalle wrote:

I know this is off topic.

But can you inform how to add inches?

I have some very short grandchildren under age 10.

Not interested in hormone shots, but anything else to try?

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 10:59 am

Argh.. let the boys be more involved....plenty don't care about more curves and some even prefer it!

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 11:05 am

#BestBubby wrote:

I know this is off topic.

But can you inform how to add inches?

I have some very short grandchildren under age 10.

Not interested in hormone shots, but anything else to try?

focus on kids getting exercise, especially during the winter when they tend to stagnate, enroll them in sports, gymnastics, and other active activities. This also increases appetite, besides for stimulating growth. Try to incorporate lots of calcium in their diet (cheese sticks, pizza, vegetables that have calcium, calcium chews if they will eat them (mine wouldn't)). Make sure they get enough sleep. No skipping meals. Healthy breakfast before school..... Pack nutritious snacks for school (full brown lunch bag!) Hydration also helps, so encourage lots of water bottles.
We did this at the advice of our endocrinlogist, no hormone shots. With this focus, we got her to actually go up a dress size every year. That's what you want!

Last edited by Chayalle on Fri, Aug 04 2023, 11:06 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Peach

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 11:05 am

I got married at a ‘put together’ size 14-16 to a regular skinny man who Bh never said or would say a word about my size. I was always told I have to lose weight so that someone should want me and I felt my parents disapproval deeply. And let me just say that it only made things worse and it (usually) does not encourage a child to lose weight, just makes them feel horrible about themselves and their body.
I truly believe that when the RIGHT one comes around, nothing will be an obstacle anymore.

amother

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 11:17 am

amother Amaranthus wrote:

I hear you
I did mean what I wrote later
I guess the street lingo caught up with me
we shouldn't be watching weight
we should be focusing on health habits

amother

Cyclamen

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 11:18 am

I was an older girl- upper 20’s when I started gaining weight. I’m short and was always a size 6. Occasionally 8. So when I started gaining it went out of control. Suddenly I became a 10 and then very quickly a 12. Before I realized what was happening I became a size 14.
At that time I was redt to a divorced guy who had a very brief marriage. Even though I was older, it was the first time I went out with someone who was divorced.
He was really nice and good looking too.
The right hashkafos….
We had one date and I came home feeling positive.
Problem was that the shadchan was not in touch afterwards. There was a lot of phone tag going on… excuses why the shadchan didn’t have a chance to speak to the boy.
A good friend (married) tried to help me. She felt bad that up until then most of my dates were a big disappointment and this time I was hopeful.
Eventually she got in touch with the shadchan (I think it was after 3 days!) and the shadchan told her that the boy said no because of my weight. It was winter time and I was wearing a coat. He said that as soon as I took off my coat he knew he couldn’t continue.
I felt like I was slapped in the face.
I guy who had something against him (divorce) was saying no to a regular girl? I was so hurt.
I was going out for years when I was thin but with all the wrong boys. I finally met someone I liked and I thought we might be compatible. I was still the same person. Why couldn’t he give me a chance and get to know me?
That was basically the last straw that forced me to lose weight. It was hard but I did it. I don’t think I ever got back to a size 6 but I got back to an 8 again.
A few more years passed until I finally got married.
I’m married for close to 20 years. I gained back most of my weight although it’s been up and down due to life being busy and having kids.
For some reason it is more accepted to not be super thin when you’re married with kids as opposed to when you’re single.
As long as a person is a nice, kind person with a certain amount of self control I believe that Hashem will help.
Op, I’m sure your daughter takes care of her appearance and dresses well too.
Hashem will send her her true zivug who will appreciate her for who she is.
May it be b’korov!!

Page 4 of 9

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Next