Chizuk - daughter rejected because of her size

amother

Canary

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 1:00 pm

amother Lime wrote:

Your daughter is only slightly overweight and I'm sure a very beautiful girl. It's so sad that she was rejected for this.

My brother is 5 foot 1. Not a single shadchan, girl, or parent has ever hesitated to say no because of height. Even the girls who are very short too. It's just stated bluntly without apology. They say Sorry he's too short.

Telling him that plenty of short boys find great wives is not really comforting right now. Or that many gedolim were short. He's a good guy but no gadol. And there is literally nothing he can do to control it. He just has to accept that his options are limited and to appreciate and seriously consider the girls who do say yes even if they aren't his first choice for very good reasons.
I'm so sad for him that no one cares about his feelings to at least pretend to have a different reason but in a way it's a bracha because knowing what the world is like helps him see that he must be open minded because most girls say no.

I just have to tell you that my brother is very short, like 5'2 and heavy too. He had a hard time because of his height and weight. But guess what? He married an amazing girl. She's thin, pretty, smart, talented, has a degree, sterling middos. She's a great girl all around. Hashem has someone for everyone.

amother

Petunia

Mon, Dec 11 2023, 7:07 pm

amother Seablue wrote:

I feel very bad for your daughter. I feel bad to say this so bluntly but I feel it’s true.The reality is that losing weight should take precedence for a girl in shidduchim. If she is able to she should lose weight because boys generally speaking do not like overweight or thicker girls. If a girl is a normal weight things will be smoother with less nos
It’s just the reality of life. Can there be an exception yes. But is there a real reason your daughter can’t lose weight? There are many diets, nutritionists, apps, even Ozempic nowadays that can make dropping 25 lbs a doable project.

This is wrong. 100% wrong. If a girl knows what her body type is like and works in really unhealthy ways to get skinnier, then marries a guy who prefers skinnier girls, and after marriage gains everything back because of pregnancy, BC, stress, eating out more, etc, it does a disservice to everyone. Him because he'll get turned off, give her a hard time, feel cheated, etc. and her because she deserves to marry someone who would have loved her and been attracted to her no matter what.

Coming from someone who ate healthy and exercised and still wore a 14W to my wedding, thank you very much. (And I'm short, so the weight definitely shows)

Obviously everyone should make efforts to live a healthy lifestyle, but it is unfair to equate skinny with healthy.

Please stop perpetuating lies and eating disorders.

amother

Dustypink

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 1:12 am

amother Canary wrote:

I was going to come here to say my DS is 5'3 and quite stout.
He said no to a girl after going out with her once because he said she was too skinny (a few other things too, but that was definitely one of the factors)
Ended up marrying someone a little shorter than him and plump.

There is someone for everyone!

amother

Ecru

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 1:18 am

amother Poinsettia wrote:

This is such an old story about guys only wanting to date thin girls. People think its a recent mishigas.

I red a Shidduch in the 1970s to a professional guy in his 20s. The guy went out with the girl and got back to me after the first date saying:

"The problem with Suri, is that theres too much of Suri" (name changed). I was shocked. Its one thing to think it and another to say it.

I remember this til today, more than 40 years later.

She married very well. I have no idea where he is now, and who he married. I wonder.

Honestly, as a Shadchan, I see its been a widespread problem for many years.

Theres plenty of skinny stunning older singles.

Hashem is in charge.

I only got up to here in this thread but I had to add
I have been a 12-14 my entire life.
I dated in the 90s
I had tons of dates and the vast majority wanted to go out with me again
I honestly believe that OP's daughter is a victim of resumes and pictures
In my day you got set up by friends of the family who said, nice girl good sense of humor and that was it- people had a chance to meet and see who a person really was.
DH always wanted a tall thin brunette
Suffice it to say I am none of those things but he said yes to a family friend and the rest if history

heidi

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 1:20 am

amother Bergamot wrote:

It's good to hear people's stories about getting married despite not being a "fashionable" dress size. I worry so much what's going to be with one of my dds.

She's going to seminary this year and then will be starting shidduchim IYH. I don't know what to do because she's been constantly gaining weight for the last few years and she doesn't seem to want to try to do anything about it. She should be in plus size clothing but instead what she does is squeeze into clothes that are way too small, and it looks so bad. Her clothes show bumps and bulges and every outline of her body. I don't think she has any idea how unflattering and not tznius they are.

I got a lot of advice from professionals over the years not to say anything, not to risk triggering an eating disorder or risk having her feel bad about herself, but why won't she try to eat healthy and exercise??? It's very hard as her mother to stand by and say nothing. I don't say anything though. I have my own body challenges but I try to make the most of what I have, I put in effort. Why doesn't she at least try? She's a size 18 and quickly moving into a size 20.

What is she trying to avoid feeling by eating?

amother

Poppy

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 8:39 am

amother Wheat wrote:

I was a size 10 or 12 when I got married, I was told I was too fat by a lot of people. It's really dumb. I married a very amazing guy who thought I was gorgeous. He was also on the bigger side and very attractive. I gained a lot of weight after kids, I'm presently an 18 or so. He thinks it's great. He is presently 300 lbs and gorgeous.

People constantly needle us about our weight but we are both healthy and eat very well. We are both sugar free, I'm gluten free and he's mostly gluten free. We don't eat processed junky foods. We are just bigger. If I had married a man who liked skinny women he wouldn't be attracted to me today. My husband is Mr hands all over.

There are all kinds of body types and there is a shidduch for everyone, no matter what size.

My mother gave us a very hard time about weight. I have 2 sisters with eating disorders one of whom didn't ovulate for 7 years because she can't get above 1,000 calories a day. She's freezing cold all the time and her hair breaks off. Honestly, I blame my mother. This whole obsession with size has to stop. People die from this. I'd much rather be fat and happy and healthy than skinny and sick like that.

So be very careful what you say.

So I was a very skinny kallah. I was a tiny kid. 7 pregnancies later I'm 50 lbs more than what I got married and im now a size 14-16. I look FANTASTIC. Dh can barely keep his hands to himself.
Dh was just under 200 lbs 6' with a wide frame so he was skinny. He's around 370 now. And as handsome as ever!!!! I guess you wouldn't know. You'll have to take my word for it.
Tbh, dh I'd 100x more attracted to me know then when we first got married.
A size 14 isn't even "fat" imo.
Yes, I'd love to lose 20-30 lbs becuase I don't feel so good physically. But I look good. And if she feels good, why try to get her to loose weight?
I see some of my nieces who are fuller getting married just as happily than the skinnier ones. Only the chubbier ones are more content imo. They don't talk about lbs and diets all day like the skinnier ones. One neice is always dieting to keep to a certain weight (she wants to be a 8) and her skin is terrible from all the stuff she does. I feel so bad for her, I wish she'd just stop and love herself In a 12....

The right one will come along. He will love her exactly as she is.

I once heard a really good vurt. Someone I know has a disability. She said it's actually a maala that poeple don't want her for this becuase it makes it so much easier. There are less options to sift thru. And she knows there is the mister right for her anyway cuz hashem prepared him for her many mamy mamy years ago...
You can use that for everything. Wrong hair color. Too short. Too tall. Too skinny. To full. Fat. Not pretty enough. Family issues. Healthy issues. Social issues. Too smart. Not smart enough..... whatever....

amother

Steelblue

Wed, Jan 17 2024, 8:59 am

amother OP wrote:

I kind of knew it can happen but now that it happenned my heart is just shattered
great shiduch
great boy
and they dont want daughter because she is a size 14-16
oh well
I guess they dont deserve her
but it does sting

I got rejected by a guy for being a size 12. He was a “top” boy but apparently really wanted a skinny girl. He got married to a skinny girl, and a few years later post kids, she is not skinny at all. Meanwhile a few years later I got married. My DH loves how I look, gave me such a positive body image and I finally lost weight from a healthy place and am considered “skinny”. At the time I felt so hurt and rejected but just remember man’s rejection is Gds protection.