Chizuk - daughter rejected because of her size

notshanarishona

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 4:58 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

I rejected a boy while dating bec he was very fat. And it was my right. I’m not very attracted to fat people. That boy that rejected your daughter had every right to say no. Maybe he’s not attracted to fat girls. I feel bad that your feelings were hurt and I’m sure your daughter is a wonderful girl. But he was within his rights. It’s always healthy to lose some weight , unless you are very thin.
Why doesn’t your daughter lose a few pounds? She will look good and will feel great too! I’m not saying she needs to get down to a 10, but maybe a 14?

What a nasty way to fat shame, as if it’s so easy. Not everyone is blessed with a good metabolism.

amother

Amaranthus

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 5:31 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

This is simply not true. Even for people who are overweight, weight loss is not without its downsides, health wise. For people who are within the healthy weight range, there is no benefit.

amother

Gardenia

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 5:35 pm

OP my niece was very very heavy when she got married to a wonderful skinny boy who found her and still finds her attractive. (By now he happened to gain some weight too)
I remember my sister complaining to me and always tell her you have to lose weight and diet exercise etc.. but she had lots of confidence and said I will eat what I want and get married. Eventually that is what happened. Not saying there is anything wrong with dieting etc.. but it shouldn't be done in a way of feeling shame...
Iyh your daughter will find her bashert soon to the chossson of her dreams.

I also know unfortunately someone (and I am there is more than one out there) whom I tried to help out in shidduchim and upon looking at the picture (she was skinny) he said he can't go out because he could tell she used to be heavy and lost weight and that practically it's not possible to hold that position for too long and it will all come back etc... I just feel the whole picture thing and all this is getting out of hand..

amother

Jean

Fri, Aug 04 2023, 5:50 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

I went out with a guy who was very heavy and was not attracted to him and said no. 2 guys later, I met my DH who is just as heavy-if not more so, and was very attracted to him.

Honestly, the way your post comes across, I wonder if you have body image issues or if your self worth is caught up in your weight.

FYI, 1 of my DDs is built like DH (size 14/xl) Her sisters are all like me, size 0-4. She is post sem and beginning dating. She has no interest in and had never had interest in losing weight. She is confident, capable, and secure in the body Hashem gave her. She actually just started dating someone who she was not set up with, but rather met on a Yachad Shabbaton. He met her and pursued her. I don’t know if he is the right one for her, but I have tremendous thanks to Hashem that this was her first exposure. I need her to feel good about herself, not be a size 2.

WitchKitty

Sat, Aug 05 2023, 4:30 pm

I am overweight and I someone once yelled at me (in front of like 5 other people, yes, yelled) that no one will ever want to marry me unless I do something about my looks.
I never had any date reject me because of my weight (I was usually the one rejecting anyway)
My husband loves me fat. He thinks fat is feminine and wants me to never ever lose the weight, bigger is better. He's underweight of course.
His mother only met me after we were engaged and she pulled him aside and said are you sure you want her at that weight??? Yes and then you wonder why I never 'hit off' with her Rolling Eyes

. She's not skinny at all either so not sure why she has the right to ask that, but whatever. (she loves me today BTW) and he said, of course, I would never want to marry anyone skinny.
When my very skinny cousin got engaged to a large girl, his mother was telling everyone that "when we heard about her "middos" (middos=sizes, in Hebrew) we knew we had to take her" Smile

Don't ever tell your daughter to lose weight. Somebody who appreciates her will marry her. I think that if someone will marry her only if she loses weight, he doesn't really want her, so what would be the point?

amother

Cognac

Sat, Aug 05 2023, 5:22 pm

I had a call from a lady last week about a neighbor's daughter for a shidduch for her son. Her big question was: I'm calling you because I know you're a chutznik so you'll understand why I want to know if she's overweight. (?!) I guess maybe she thinks Israelis don't care (which they don't) but in any case, unless a girl was so overweight that medically it's an issue, I wouldn't care either. (I'm European for the records)

What size does she wear?
My reply: I have no idea.
"Is she overweight?"
and I'm thinking of this amazing girl with wonderful middos who my kids love as a babysitter, always with a smile on her face and I honestly can't think what size she might be.
"Is she thin?"
Me: why are you asking?
Her: well, it's not that I care about appearance (giggle) it's just that you know, me and all my daughters are really slim and pretty and I can't imagine my only son being attracted to a bigger girl.
Me: Have you asked him?
Her: No! Chas veshalom! I should ask him if he thinks about girls? (um, is this guy in shiduchim????)
Me: She's a wonderful girl, great middos, kind, attractive, pretty, I don't know how thin she is but she's not noticeably overweight, not noticeably thin either, just normal.
Her: Well, I guess we'll give it a rain check for now.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

sequoia

Sat, Aug 05 2023, 5:52 pm

amother Cognac wrote:

Her: well, it's not that I care about appearance (giggle) it's just that you know, me and all my daughters are really slim and pretty and I can't imagine my only son being attracted to a bigger girl.
Me: Have you asked him?
Her: No! Chas veshalom! I should ask him if he thinks about girls??

Give me another globe.

Seriously, this world’s irreparable.

amother

Poinsettia

Sat, Aug 05 2023, 9:25 pm

sequoia wrote:

Give me another globe.

Seriously, this world’s irreparable.

Right or wrong, weight has been an issue in Shidduchim, at least from when I began making Shidduchim in the 1970s.

Probably since right after WW2, when people were still shell shocked from the Holocaust, and prioritized differently.

Blame the secular media's glorification of thinness.

amother

Starflower

Sat, Aug 05 2023, 10:20 pm

It is all so idiotic. Many thin girls put on weight each pregnancy and struggle to lose. Bodies change as you get older. Being thin is not an indicator of health. I have a beautiful cousin who is curvy. Her mother had her watch her eating while dating. Well she married a guy whose mother was curvy and didn't care. As soon she got married she relaxed and put on 15 pounds. She still looks great but is very curvy. 5 kids later she still looks amazing and happy. She will never be thin.

amother

Poinsettia

Sat, Aug 05 2023, 10:38 pm

I remember seeing a wedding picture of a Kallah with her graduating class, taken in the 60s. There were hardly any overweight girls. Maybe one. Most were very thin.

I think our diets rich in Kugels Cakes and cookies, etc did us all in.

amother

RosePink

Sat, Aug 05 2023, 10:38 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Anyone can reject a shidduch they don't feel is for them. But it can be done in a less hurtful way. He did not have to say that that was the reason, BTW.

ETA I can't say I have a great opinion of the Shadchan either, in this case. A Shadchan should know how to deliver a negative response with sensitivity.

I have very rarely gotten a reason for a no, (I always wonder), so I'm very surprised that the shadchan said this. Even if the boy's mother states this as the reason, the shadchan should have had a bit more seichel than to repeat. Most shadchanim are not like this, IME.

amother

Lavender

Sat, Aug 05 2023, 11:18 pm

amother Cappuccino wrote:

For that height that isn't really overweight. So she's not a stick. You will find someone better!! Whatever the rejection is about, it stings. I had a boy reject me after a few dates because he liked my looks but not my personality. That really stung because I thought I had a great personality. And I felt used too because the mature thing to do is to say no it's not for me if you think personality doesn't click.

I reread this a few times and I still don't understand. Isn't that what he did? What was immature?

amother

Clover

Sun, Aug 06 2023, 7:45 am

One time dated a guy who was nice and we even went on a second date. On our second date we were very comfortable and somehow he said very openly you know your picture is very deceiving. I originally didn't want to date you because you look very flat in your picture but I got a lot of pressure so I agreed. But im glad I did because you don't look like in the picture. Thank God your boobs are way bigger than they looked in the pic.