Spin off: questioning someone who asks for tzedaka

amother

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 10:19 am

If someone asks for help and you aren’t planning on giving, what purpose (other than making them feel bad), do you gain from questioning their request?
I understand questioning if you are going to give substantial help, but all these post’s going through peoples wishlists are really distasteful. It’s hard enough for people to ask, don’t make them feel bad about it. Just don’t give if you don’t want to.
Another because I am one of the many who people questioned things on my list

singleagain

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 10:23 am

I think at a certain point asking for a specific really expensive item when another similarly less expensive item might suffice does seem like maybe more than regular tzedaka

And I'm guessing I haven't really looked at those threads

amother

Charcoal

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 10:27 am

I voted yes based on the poll question, before reading your OP. If you might donate if you understood why, I think it's ok to ask to learn the circumstances. If you're not planning to donate regardless, you definitely have no right to question and shame someone.

amother

Cadetblue

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 10:32 am

I didn't see the questioning thread.
But I guess that's one of the downfalls so to speak with anonymous requests when you don't know where your money is going exactly. It's not like donating to a fund that that is administered by someone you know and trust to be distributing properly, even if you don't know the recipients.
I understand it doesn't feel nice to have a request picked apart, and best thing if you don't approve then just don't give. But I do understand where the questioner's concern might be coming from.

amother

Sand

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 10:36 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

Ok but asking for money straight out is one thing. You have no idea where it's gonna go. But snack bags? Drinks? Those are fairly normal requests, it is a family with kids and with needs.

amother

Wine

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 10:41 am

I stopped donating to those threads because there were too many items on the lists that I can't afford for myself.

I think it's ok to ask. It helps people understand where the request is coming from.

To be honest if it's not ok to ask then I think the threads should be taken down. It doesn't sit right with me. Normally when you give tzeddakah you know there are people looking at each individual case and vetting it. Online you only have the person's word. At least you should get an explanation about why they need this particular item.

But like I said, I am no longer donating. (Partly because DH was unhappy with the whole thing.)

proudmomma

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 10:42 am

I don't think people should ask. I did however do a big double take at some of the pricing of the items on the registries. It wasn't the items that were excessive it was the pricing.
The same items could be found for way less. Some of the recipients updated the items to better priced ones when asked.

amother

Cinnamon

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 10:45 am

I voted yes, I have helped others in the past and right after helping one purchased a brand new $2000 sheitel and anther person purchased designer glasses and other designer items therefore I started questioning people.

I don't mind helping others but when people misuse help then I have an issue with it and now I ask people for basic situation information before helping.

I used to help people with making simchos but when people started asking for fancy dessert tables I stopped if you want fancy don't ask me for my time and energy and resources it's not tzedakah at that point . ..

amother

Cadetblue

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 10:45 am

amother Sand wrote:

Ok but asking for money straight out is one thing. You have no idea where it's gonna go. But snack bags? Drinks? Those are fairly normal requests, it is a family with kids and with needs.

I do understand someone wondering about other options when it's an item that could be gotten very cheaply just not as nicely packaged. I personally wouldn't quiz someone but yes, I might wonder. Depending on what the item is. Especially as a poster mentioned above, the requests have not been vetted.
If I know the person distributing funds is trustworthy, I believe that the snack bags or whatever purchased with my money is reasonable. But when you are donating blindly, this is just the way it is. People wonder.

singleagain

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 10:46 am

proudmomma wrote:

I think this is the thing. I mean. I remember when one of my friends got engaged and this was back when we were like still 20 and we were looking at her registry and my mom's like there's no reason why she needs to $75 teapot one of $20 one works just as well.

Sometimes yes, grant you. The $75 item is better than the $20 item but sometimes it's not.

amother

PlumPink

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 10:48 am

amother Wine wrote:

I don't really understand this. Firstly, if you can't afford why are you donating? Are you feeling peer pressure?
Secondly I don't think that thread was started with the intention of it being tzeddaka, it was more informational or venting.
It morphed into a whole giving thread which I think is beautiful.
If it doesn't sit right with you unless you question it, move on. Really. It's a free world.

For the record I did not read through all the posts and lists and didn't donate either. If I have extra money it goes to family that needs it badly. But I'm not bothered by the threads and it's beautiful that people are donating if they can easily afford it.

amother

Wine

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 10:54 am

amother PlumPink wrote:

Why would I feel peer pressure? We donate maaser BH and I clicked in a few links and felt bad not sending something. Now I know not to look.

Yes it annoys me that the threads are everywhere. I wish there would be one place where they could all be that I wouldn't be tripping over them whenever I log in here.

It didn't start out as tzedakah but I don't like what it's turned into.

You're proving my point by saying that you give to a family who needs it badly. You aren't giving to people who are unvetted either.

I would feel a lot better about the whole thing if the threads were contained to 1 place and easy to ignore. It feels like half the threads have someone shoehorning their wishlist even when it really doesn't fit.

amother

Amber

Fri, Jul 28 2023, 11:29 am

It just bothers me that some of these items can be gotten for a fraction of the price. It seems to me like a waste of money, tzedaka money shouldn’t be wasted.
Also, a lot of the stuff is things I had that I donated or have thrown out. I think we need a spin-off on this. Advertising:consumerism makes us think we need a lot of things that we don’t really.

naturalmom5

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 12:52 am

Why does this site ALWAYS do this .
When the lists first started I thought, WT, ask your Rov or shul for charity
But the thread evolved into something beautiful and heartwarming
Don’t be the grinch who stole imamother, move on to another thread, really.
If it’s a bashing thread everyone screams about it
If it’s a love thread that’s no good either

amother

Trillium

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:01 am

Honestly I think the ultimate level is not to judge

My relative was single for longer than most and was asked to give tzedakah for a wedding where the kallah spent it on things way fancier than my relative would ever buy for herself. She tried to give happily and not judge and I am in awe of my relative for being on that level

amother

Lightcoral

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:39 am

This is not a statistic. A plus b is just as *likely* as *unlikely* to equal c

*Some* people can't afford because they don't use there money right. They need money management skills. If you can't afford something see wear you could cut. It's hard to cut the cuts. Tje truth is, I see everyone feeling the pinch in today's economy. Some people just have a little more flexibility. If its ziplock bags someone has the right to ask if the unzip type would work, if you could pay more for a recyclable plastic container to store frozen food. Store brands. Some people don't think out of the box they only know and want what the frum stores sell.

lostmyoldSN

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 1:45 am

proudmomma wrote:

That's amazon though. The prices on there tend to be absurd for plenty of things.

amother

Blushpink

Sun, Jul 30 2023, 2:02 am

I had a registry. I besides for two things I only posted things I need. I also looked for the lowest priced item.
With things like clothing I might have spent ten dollars less but my son would have been wearing short sleeves and a sweater in 50 degrees for a month.
I don’t mind if ppl dissect my registry, even if they don’t donate because I admit to have in my mind questioned others. I was thinking of doing an ama but my registry is set that you don’t see things once it’s bought and I don’t know how to change it. (Also I’m worried someone will identify me when I’m wearing the clothes.)