How to respond to socially off things?

Cheiny

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 2:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

BH I'm with it, well dressed, put together, I have friends. I have a great career as a therapist and love my clients. I work on social skills all day with kids, its hard for me to see how socially off people are.

I had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and we went away to my in laws for shabbos. My MIL asked me in private when my husband was in shul "did you do anything to cause the miscarriage?" I was really taken aback and said no it wasn't anything I did....

I have one neighbor who repeatedly asks me when Im going to have another kid, when am I going to start trying again etc. Its so extremely off. I told her I had a miscarriage and weve been trying a while thinking it would shut her up. It didnt! She asked me how many weeks I was and I was so shocked! I told her and shes like "wow you must have been traumatized. I would have been"

I had another neighbor tell me how weird it is my husband went to visit his sick brother in yeshiva and how I "let him" go and she would "NEVER" allow her husband to do that and vice versa. Like ok? Im sorry you have 0 confidence in yourself or husband and Im ok with being away from my husband for 4 nights.

I really dont know how to respond to people when they say socially off things. When its with a student I can simply say "that's not such an appropriate thing to ask someone. Lets think of something else we can ask?"

I find that I dont want to embarrass someone by pointing out how inappropriate they're being or calling them out, but on the other hand how will they learn not to be so rude? BUT... Is it my place to teach them?

I see my in laws once a year so with my in laws I just smile and nod... but she really says socially off things like how my parents should buy us a house and how my husband should quit his job and go into the family business (the family business is backbreaking manual labor and my 26 year old husband does not need to do that for the rest of his life. Like my MIL sees her husband working until 12 AM every night, why would she want that for her own child?)

First, I’m so sorry about your recent loss.
I’m a little surprised that as a therapist you’re having trouble shutting people down when they ask or discuss inappropriate or private issues. Did you try thinking about what you’d advise a client if they told you they didn’t know how to respond properly to inappropriate remarks?

Of course when you’re going through it personally it’s not that easy to think quickly on your feet, but by now you know from whom you can expect those inappropriate comments, and you can prepare in advance how to respond the next time they do it.

There are numerous ways to respond.

“That’s a personal/painful subject I’m not ready to speak about.”
“That’s something private for my husband and me to work out.”
“Thank you for your opinion. I’ll keep it in mind.”
“That’s something I feel is too personal a question to ask.”

amother

Navyblue

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 2:29 pm

OP, so sorry about your miscarriage. Unfortunately lots of people ask stupid and inappropriate questions all the time. I've gotten pretty good at just saying, "I'm kind of a private person. I'm not comfortable with this conversation." But what your MIL asked still would have slayed me. So hurtful. Sad

Cheiny

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 2:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

Part of me wants to say the bolded, but I dont want to embarrass them

like if someone asks me "when are you going to start trying for another?" you think I should say back "its private" ? I dont sound prudish?

I once heard a good line from a different therapist in response to people being inappropriate: “Wow, I so admire how you hold nothing back and even feel comfortable asking such a personal question.” And that’s the end of it, of course said with a smile on your face…

amother

Navyblue

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 2:35 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Why on earth would you say something to encourage people? They won't know it's tongue in cheek.

amother

Lightcyan

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 3:38 pm

essie14 wrote:

To a nosy neighbor I would say with a laugh - "Oh, I really don't discuss that with anyone but my husband! Lovely weather we are having, isn't it?" Smile

To my socially off in laws I either ignore or I will look him/her straight in the eye and say, "I really can't believe you asked me that." and stare til they look away/apologize.

I think I am going to start using that line "I really cant believe you just asked me that"
For now I have just been so stunned by peoples rudeness. And by people I mean my mil and sil

amother

Eggplant

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 4:15 pm

One of my proudest moments was when someone asked a question about how my twins were conceived and I turned to her and said "that's a nosy question! "
She almost ruined it, by protesting "no, I didn't mean it that way. I'm just so curious. " which makes no sense when you think about it, but at the time it left me gaping.
I just stared at her for a few seconds and changed the topic and I think that was the best response possible.

Another time someone asked if I was pregnant because I said I was going for bloodwork and I said no and felt myself turn purple. Normally my reaction would be to reassure the person that I'm not insulted. This time I just didn't hide my embarrassment and she felt terrible. Sometimes silence is the most appropriate response.
I hope an important lesson was learned.

These people weren't socially off, but maybe because of cultural differences they never learned that certain questions are very painful/ rude. It's not my job to teach them, but it certainly isn't my job to make them feel better or pretend that I'm not insulted.

DrMom

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 4:28 pm

You're a therapist. How would you advise a patient if he came to you with this question?

amother

Papayawhip

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 4:33 pm

I remember going to the OB one time and a girl I went to school with came up to me to reassure me that she wasn’t pregnant and she was only there for a checkup. Honestly I didn’t care, would not have said anything, and am more than aware of the existence of GYN appts.

BrisketBoss

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 4:39 pm

When I can't believe what someone says, I instinctively look at them funny. They can feel my confusion and may feel self conscious about it. Some people deliberately ask questions like "What do you mean?"

amother

Hyssop

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 4:40 pm

I would've asked my mother in law "like with a hanger?" I'm not sure what she was thinking by asking someone that. I'm so sorry you went through that and then had people ask you such stupid questions.

BrisketBoss

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 4:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

Prudish suggests that you are s-xually inhibited or uncomfortable with the general topic of s-x. It does not mean that you like to keep your private life private.

amother

Slategray

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 4:43 pm

Don’t signify it with a response
Just give a small pitying type smile

amother

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 4:45 pm

Sorry just had a chance to log back in now- im a slp and work with kids with autism on social pragmatic skills, im NOT a social worker sorry if I implied that, so used to just saying im a therapist at work people get what I mean...

amother

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 4:46 pm

amother Hyssop wrote:

maybe bc shes really old and old fashioned idk
thanks for your kind words

amother

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 4:47 pm

Cheiny wrote:

do you think this implies im embarassed at what happened?
I wish I was brave enough to say these things. I think ill practice in the mirror

dankbar

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 4:51 pm

When your neighbor says, wow! You let your husband go? I can't see myself doing it! Maybe she is just admiring you?

amother

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 4:56 pm

dankbar wrote:

When your neighbor says, wow! You let your husband go? I can't see myself doing it! Maybe she is just admiring you?

No she made it quite clear how weird she thought it was I ignored her and moved on to the next topic

dankbar

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 5:09 pm

Ye but sometimes subconsciously its like jealousy, or not being ok with themselves so they knock you. How about if you think to yourself, look shes really not ok with herself, because she wouldnt have the strength to do what I am doing, so she has to make me feel wierd for doing it. Instead if you feeling less than, you should be feeling greater than, now.

amother

Offwhite

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 5:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

maybe bc shes really old and old fashioned idk
thanks for your kind words

Ahm, no. Questions like this were considered even MORE verboten a generation or two ago. It wasn't that long ago that you wouldn't even say the word "pregnant" aloud in polite company. You'd say "enceinte" "in the family way" or "in a delicate condition. " One day my face was red from overly aggressive cleansing and a coworker told me I had a glow about me. I said no, my skin was irritated. She said "You're that way, are you?" I thought she meant " you have skin that is easily irritated" so I said "Yes, pretty much." She said her dd was "that way" too. I didn't know "that way" was the term she used for pregnant.

zaq

Sun, Jun 11 2023, 6:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

do you think this implies im embarassed at what happened?
I wish I was brave enough to say these things. I think ill practice in the mirror

No, it implies that it's none of their business.
Apparently you conflate discretion and a sense of privacy with a sense of shame or embarrassment. They are not the same thing. Look at it this way: suppose you just inherited an enormous sum of money or found out your IQ is in the stratosphere. You're not ashamed of either situation; nevertheless, you don't care to let every Chana, Rivkie and Leah know about it, because it's simply none of their business. There is no need to subscribe to the curious contemporary mania for "sharing" one's most private thoughts and experiences with all and sundry.

Practicing in front of a mirror sounds like a fine idea.