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Forum
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miriamnechama
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 Sun, Oct 07 2007, 5:14 am
dh has a "friend who he has benn trying to be mekarev for some years. he's the some of a prominent rov of the town who went off the derech. he used to come alot a few years back but when ds 2 was born I put a stop to it, rather I made a gevul. then he was about 14 or 15. about a year ago he started getting in touch with dh again, I think he's 21 now and seens much better. (he had alot of problems but I think went for help.) I know his mother can't deal with him, ok she has enough to dealw ith, 11 kids, 1 getting second devorce etc. anyways dh has invited him on and off for a meal on shabbos, he doesn't come when dh is at work. but this pat shabbos I felt went over bored abit...
I make liquers for hsbbos for between the fisha nd meat. I think it was the first time he saw it so he asked how much alcohol was in there. go calculate 95% by 1/2 cup for a whole bottle. then he took a half a glass, which I thought was a bit much!!  and I was  to be the last bit. (I should have told him there was live eggs in as well!!) anyways then he goes, where can you buy 95% alcohol?? I want to get some 
I was really  by then though said nothing... not sure if I should talk to his mother. wwyd?? what if she hears that he bought 95% alcohol?? it's extremely dangerous if you don't know what to do with it.. you can't drink it loke that... my bil threup from it once on purim. wwyd??
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greenfire
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Sun, Oct 07 2007, 8:26 am
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you can't change people ... they have to want to -and care for themselves ... sounds like he is having fun and doesn't much care about the consequences ...
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shalhevet
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Sun, Oct 07 2007, 8:32 am
Greenie, when I saw you'd replied to the OP, I thought it was to ask where to buy such strong alcohol yourself. 
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greenfire
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Sun, Oct 07 2007, 8:42 am
hey - I have my moments ... and I like to play and have FUN ... but then again I know myself and NEVER drink till my head is in the toilet bowl ... kids and he sounds like one even at a legal drinking age ... do quite the opposite as do any substance abusers - they do not know a limit nor when they go over the deep edge ...   ...
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miriamnechama
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Sun, Oct 07 2007, 8:47 am
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Tamiri
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Sun, Oct 07 2007, 9:42 am
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Here in Israel you can buy 100 proof alchohol.. in the supermarket!!!! I regularly buy vodka there to make my own vanilla extract (it's cheaper than the alchohol)
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Mommy3.5
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Sun, Oct 07 2007, 10:54 am
100 proof is 50% alcohol.
And if you do not want people drinking at your table, don't serve alcohol. It is not your place to tell his mother anything.
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Piper
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Thu, Oct 11 2007, 7:19 pm
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95% alcohol? What kind of drink has that?
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mommyX2
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Thu, Oct 11 2007, 7:25 pm
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I honestly don't see what the big deal is. so what, so a 21 yr old guy asked where to get some liquer. he could be asking in a joking way or coulda been serious but either way its "normal" for somewhat out there "having fun". why would u tell his mother especially when you said she has her hands full...
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nicole81
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Thu, Oct 11 2007, 8:14 pm
everclear is 190 proof, never had it though. had enough of an experience with devil's springs (160 proof) when dh and I were dating for less than 2 months and he threw up (on me!) and passed out from it.
are you sure he wasn't making a joke about it? sounds like something I would've said at that age...
and are you sure it was 190 proof? that really can't be consumed straight without burning your insides out!
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Lechatchila Ariber
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Thu, Oct 11 2007, 8:23 pm
I don't really get this thread
I certainly wouldn't be impressed, but would it make me sick?
why would you ask if you should speak to his mother? he isn't 15
he is 21, an adult.
whats the legal drinking age?
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Tefila
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Fri, Oct 12 2007, 12:43 am
| Quote: | why would you ask if you should speak to his mother? he isn't 15
he is 21, an adult. |
My thoughts too 
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Ruchel
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Fri, Oct 12 2007, 10:02 am
| Piper wrote: | | 95% alcohol? What kind of drink has that? |
not even absinthe, who was BH been outlawed in France
Tell the mom. The parenting job doesnt stop at religious majority, so it wouldn't stop at legal majority either...
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chavamom
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Fri, Oct 12 2007, 12:10 pm
 What's the mother going to do about a 21 y.o. off-the-derech "kid" who is pretty much acting out the secular norm?
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miriamnechama
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Thu, Feb 21 2008, 7:54 am
I've had him againin teh past months. I must sa\y he really causes shalom bayis problems.
the next time hecame he poured himselfa whole g;*** of wine andthen decided he doesn't like wine. thanks. then I told dh before shabbos we only ahve 2 tiny challos.. I wasn't able to make more that week so he said we'llmake do. also we weremeantto have bochurim the next day.
ugh came the meal and he drove me nut "I need more challa" I'm like sorry idon't have tehreis bread or matza.. he totally ruined thatmeal for me he caused me and dh tohave a fight and I was frankly fed up.
funny the next day teh yeshiva bachur was like oh hadi have know I would have bought rolls from the yeshiva.. how thought ful.
he's alos awfully sloppy and slurps his soup  and makes me very  .
mil told me I shouldn't have him but dh loves him topieces .
well this past week I made extra challa abd he decided he idn't wantteh wine and when dh mention aboutteh challa I was like oh thereis 2 more in te hoven... suddenly he didn't need it.
weird.. dunno how to explain this. I was told to try to have his needs met as he didn't get it as a cgild. but honestly I'm not his mom and I don't want my marriage to suffer because of him...
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louche
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Thu, Feb 21 2008, 9:26 am
miriamnechama, is this the same boy who comes over in the middle of the night? You have a serious problem, as if I'm telling you s/t you don't know.
Are you afraid of this guy? Personally, I would be. He clearly fails to appreciate social limits, and where alcohol enters the picture, it gets uglier. (His table manners and greed are irrelevant; I simply wouldn't serve expensive or scarce things when he's around.) If you're afraid, even a little, TELL DH IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that you do not want this guy in your house. You have a right to be comfortable in your own home, as well as a responsibility to keep your children safe. Now I understand what you meant when you said you were concerned about his influence on your sons. If you feel anyone is poitentially a bad influence on your children, you have both a right and a responsibility to keep him away.
Fortunately your mil is on your side in this. If dh won't listen to you, ask her to talk to him. Between the two of you, you will hopefully be able to make DH see the light. Let him mekarev this guy on his own time. (BTW, is dh a kiruv professional? B/c it seems to me he's going about it in the wrong way. You can't mekarev a person by neglecting your own family. On the contrary, seeing how nicely a frum person treats his family is often one of the things that attracts a nonfrum person to yiddishkeit.)
Who told you to try to meet this boy's needs? Very sad that his needs weren't met when he was a child, but in no way is it your responsibility to make up for that. Your responsibility is to meet the needs of your own family, and this boy is making that impossible.
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amother
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Thu, Feb 21 2008, 9:53 am
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you should def not talk to him mother! it sounds like he is the way he is BECAUSE of his mother, how sad.
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happymom
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Thu, Feb 21 2008, 9:54 am
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either accept him the way he is, and be there since im sure he neeeds good people in his life.. or, dont have him over.
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miriamnechama
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Thu, Feb 21 2008, 10:10 am
louche yes this is the same boy.. a friend of mine in shul mentioned to try to keep his needs where possible but I've learnt my lesson.
I won't keep expensive wines on teh table any more.. I bought a real cheapy wine and I use that if I know he's coming.
he does fail to accept social limits.. but dh doesn't see it that way.
and amother your right it is his mom.. there are 11 kids plus twinsa, his father's a rova nd his motehr doesn't really care for him..
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chocolate moose
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Thu, Feb 21 2008, 10:27 am
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