I don't wanna share!

ClaRivka

Mon, Sep 03 2007, 10:45 pm

We rented our apt from a family friend for very cheap. We owe him much hakaras hatov. But one of the perks that we had originally thought was amazing was the retractable roof on our porch that we now realize did not come with the plans. They said they use the upstairs porch (the porch directly outside our kitchen door where we store alot of things during the year.) to put up their sukka! I have family coming for the first days of succos and my husband has not gotten it thru to him that by my litvish family the women eat in the sukka too. (He's chassidish.)
Now I invited my family for a family gathering, it's not fair to have some stranger at the table....with his wife bringing him his own food when he's ready to change courses! My husband says that he eats fast meals but that doesnt really help bc my family drags out their meals and she cant bring him chicken soup when we still have fish on the table!
We could build a sukkah in my inlaws backyard but I am not shlepping everything course by course a block away! It'll take forever and its rediculous! and no we cant just stay bby my inlaws bc they dont allow anyone in their house when they are gone.
So you see my dilemma.

ClaRivka

Mon, Sep 03 2007, 11:31 pm

I WOULDNT MIND IF IT WASN'T MY FAMILY COMING BUT WE NEVER GET TO SEE EACHOTHER SO WHAT TIME WE HAVE IS PRECIOUS. AND HES A FAMILY FRIEND OF MY HUSBANDS FAMILY. I DON'T KNO HIM AND NEITHER DO MY FAMILY.
SHE WON'T EAT WITH US SO WOULDNT IT B WIERD TO INVITE HIM TO PARTAKE IN THE MEALS (AND MY FOOD) IF HIS WIFE IS SITTING IN THEIR APT DOWNSTAIRS?

leomom

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 12:28 am

I think that you should invite him & his wife to eat with you and be gracious about it. Women are allowed to eat in a sukkah even if they aren't obligated - so that part will be her choice. And you will have plenty of time to be just with your family during the course of the Yom Tov. Meals can be shared. Why not do the mitzvah of hachnassas orchim, when you said yourself that you owe them hakaras hatov?

It might not be your ideal vision of things, but to me it seems like both the right thing to do and the most practical.

greenfire

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 10:11 am

hey being I'm a mutt I have seen both chassidish and litvish with women eating in the succoh and not eating in the succoh ... I really think it's dependent on the family style and how big the succoh is even on the wheather and the moods of the women ...

as for the succoh if it's his ... then you are at his mercy ... he's sharing ... then let it be and be graceful about it ... many people in multiple dwellings share a succoh and they learn how ...

and unless you are planning on sharing his bowl of soup ... it really doesn't matter when you are done with your fish ...

Pickle Lady

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 10:13 am

So its his sukkah that you will be using and you are making a huge deal out of him occsioanlly using his own sukkah on a porch that he own but rents to you. It sounds like this guy has been really good to you. It doesn't sound like he is asking for much.

Whats the big deal with having one guy at some of your meals for a short time?

Tehilla

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 10:21 am

We shared a sukkah last year with someone. Was a bit nervous at first, but we just arranged meal times. If it's just him and he's fast, why can't you delay your meals a little bit and let him eat first? Then you go after with your family...

Or partition it off, this half he'll use to eat in privacy or whatever. There is a solution. After all, if it's his sukkah. I understand your feelings, but there's something to say for figuring out a happy solution for everyone!

ClaRivka

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 11:54 am

Greenfire- fish and meat are not allowed to b on the same table

pickle lady- we seldom have my whole family together so when we do we try to enjoy it! having a man there who only speaks yiddish is not gonna b that much fun when only my husband can understabd what he's saying!

and tehilla- I understand what you're all saying but I think he should have mentioned this whole we dont have a sukka thing when we rented the apt! we would not have invited my family, we would have gone elsewhere!

I have very bad luck with sukkas it seems. Last year we rented an apt and the guy aid we had the whole roof and I thought thats great! the day after yom kippur we found 4 guys hammering away on our roof building their sukkah. my husband went out to ask them what they were doing and they said their family had been building their sukka on this roof for 17 years! and no, there was no place to put another sukkah on the roof. so we had to go to my sisterinlaws for every meal. Why can't ppl be straight?

Tehilla

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 11:56 am

well they probably didn't think about it, just like you probably forgot to ask!

I'm sorry it seems like such a trying situation. but does he want to keep to himself? if so it won't cause so much of a problem. can you quarter off some area that's just for you guys? maybe a little cramped, but making the effort?

HindaRochel

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 12:02 pm

RivkiA wrote:

Fish and meat are allowed on the same table. So are milk and meat for that matter, one just needs something that separates them (ie two different cloths under the food.)

Second, why can't you have different eating times as someone else suggested? Do you need to all eat at the exact same time?

Has he said the women can't eat in the succah with him?

TammyTammy

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 12:37 pm

RivkiA wrote:

OK, OK, no need to shout.

DH and I have met many a person by dining with people who were other guests of people we ate at. I've met the family of friends that way and, in some cases, become friends with them directly.

Even if your family and this couple aren't the "let's be friends" type, is there some reason to think that they can't civilly share a sukkah for an hour or so?

And, as for the fish/meat issue, serve the fish on placemats or doubled plates (a large plate under the smaller fish plate). That solves that problem.

Tammy

mummiedearest

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 3:51 pm

the only problem with having MILK and meat on the same table is if you're comfortable enough with the other diners that you might mistakenly eat off their plates. fish and meat is a health restriction rather than an actual kashrus one. if you're really worried, placemats are fine.

as for his not eating with women, I'm sure he and his wife have guests for shabbos sometimes. do they have two shabbos tables and separate the genders? it doesn't hurt to ask.

ClaRivka

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 5:00 pm

Mummiedearest- WE ARE GERRERS!!!!!!!!!!!! we sit not just at different tables butu in different rooms!

I see I'm not getting thru to you guys.

and tammy I want shouting, I didnt realize I had thye capslock on.

and tehila- we asked them abt the sukkah area and they said it was ours, straaight out.

Tehilla

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 5:06 pm

Quote:

WE ARE GERRERS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Gerrer chassidim, just fyi. Smile

You guys have some super special Rebbes! I studied up on them.

Okay, so you asked. I don't know what to tell you. If they said it's yours, then why don't you ask nicely why it's changing now? Hang a sheet as a partition for you and your family, and then him?? Sorry!

Tehilla

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 5:08 pm

amother, she's entitled to her feelings whether or not they're 'okay.'

and if they already told her that the sukkah's hers to use, and now are changing after her family's already coming, that's definitely upsetting and has to be dealt with.

anyway, be nice.

cindy324

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 5:17 pm

If your family is used to shlepping out the meals , then I agree with Tehilla, why don't you let him finish, after all how long does one man take to eat a meal, and when he's done your family can sit down and eat as ling as it takes, without feeling uncomfortable.

Or you can pull up a table near the succah, inside, and for once the ladies will just have to sit inside , but still be near enough to participate in the conversations. Sometimes sacrifices have to be made in order to accomodate everyone.

TammyTammy

Tue, Sep 04 2007, 5:20 pm

RivkiA wrote:

Mummiedearest- WE ARE GERRERS!!!!!!!!!!!! we sit not just at different tables butu in different rooms!

You didn't say that earlier.

Quote:

I see I'm not getting thru to you guys.

Obviously not if you don't make the whole situation clear.

Quote:

and tammy I want shouting, I didnt realize I had thye capslock on.

S'ok... we all make mistakes.

Just out of curiosity... you don't eat together with your husband at all on Shabbos/Yom Tov?? Or am I misreading what you are stating?

Tammy