When to potch? | Imamother

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 4:46 pm

deena19k wrote:

Yes, but will that smack prevent her from using again? I think not.

I agree that it wont help, but would you still consider him abusive?
Hitting a child for running in the street may not help, but abusve? I don't think so.

deena19k

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 4:49 pm

amother wrote:

I potch very rarely, but I do tnot thathink it has its time and place. Sometimes you want to make an immediate strong impact on the child when they do something really serious. For example, if a child is chutzpadik, they will instantly get a quick slap to let them know that they crossed a line. BH I have a beautiful relationship with all of my children and none have been scarred by the few slaps they received over the years.

Please tell me the slap is not on their face. (Not that I'm pro-potching on any body part, but to me, on the face is beyond beyond horrible).

My4Jewels

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 4:53 pm

amother:

I am glad that you say your children havent been scarred. I can assure you my husbands parents would say the same thing. Nope no scars there according to them. Let me tell you there are lots of scars. Scars that kids dont even realize that they have. And Let me tell you something else, when usually a mom is even tempered, when they get angry those words and sharp tone with a consequence will have plenty of immediate impact. No need to smack anyone.

PEOPLE LAY OFF YOUR CHILDREN.

We are back to preschool everyone...use your words.

loveandpeace

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 7:32 pm

I think its not effective. why degrade yourself?? and if it makes your kid be afraid who wants that we want respect.

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 7:50 pm

My mother slapped me across the face once. I was 15 years old. She said "that's the last present you'll ever get from me". All I wanted to do was get away from my abusive father and this was her response. It still stings raw. Most especially when she gives me a present. The quiet shy me forgets nothing and that was a long long time ago.

Don't say hitting doesn't scar. Or watching someone get hit doesn't scar. Because of my father's rampant abuse I cringe whenever someone hits or yells at anyone. The physical scars may heal but the emotional ones last a lifetime and then some.

MaBelleVie

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 7:56 pm

amother wrote:

I'm so sorry for your past. I just want people to realize that not every hit is abuse... Just as not every verbal discipline is abuse either.

amother

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 8:51 pm

I very, very rarely got potched as a kid. I don't remember what I did (maybe I was being really bad or not going to bed or came out of bed one time too many), but I do remember that my father said he was going to potch me. I remember the fear of standing there with my back to him waiting for the pain to be overwith and behind me. It took forever for him to do it and I was so scared the whole time I was waiting. So don't tell them you are going to do it and make them wait.

starmarket

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 8:58 pm

I find using this word interesting - "potch" - makes it sound like something different/nicer than what it is (HITTING). Maybe it's just me.

Odelyah

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:09 pm

amother wrote:

I agree that it wont help, but would you still consider him abusive?
Hitting a child for running in the street may not help, but abusve? I don't think so.

Hitting a drug addict is still abuse. (It wouldn't help anyway-- it would probably just give her an excuse to keep using, as in "I'll show him!")

Two wrongs don't make a right.

greenfire

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:22 pm

yeah the best way to cure a drug addict is the smack them ~ NOT !!! Rolling Eyes

allrgymama

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:24 pm

I missed three pages of responses! Thank you to everyone who actually discussed this instead of attacking me (or other posters) for the suggestion of potching a child.

To the poster who wanted to know about my child potching other children: I know this particular child. I think, as a baby/toddler, she hit me once. She has never hit another child or kicked or bit one. Pre-verbal, when she would get frustrated, she would ball her hands into fists and hit her OWN chest to vent frustration. It simply wouldn't occur to her to hurt another person. DD #2 on the other hand, WOULD push another child. You have to know your children and I believe that I do.

To the posters concerned about my waiting to potch: as others have said, it is far better to allow yourself to calm down than to react in a moment, even if it's (just) for five minutes. And when we're going to the doctor for well visits, I most CERTAINLY tell my child (earlier that day, if not before) that there are going to be shots and it is going to hurt for a few seconds and then it won't hurt anymore AND that the shots protect her from getting terrible sicknesses. She is allowed to cry and go 'owowowowowow' but she may not fight or scream or kick at the doctor or nurses. For this child, that works. I do the same thing when we go in for a throat culture 'It is going to be VERY uncomfortable for a few seconds and then you'll have a drink and it won't bother you anymore'. Again, for this child, that works.

Also, in rare instances where I wait to potch (say, for chutzpadig behavior vs dangerous behavior, which I think usually needs a more immediate cause and effect to make the point, especially for toddlers), it allows me to collect myself and accurately gauge how hard of a potch the child deserves.

To the posters concerned about allowing my child to choose where she wants to be potched: I simply do not understand why this is a bad thing. It is allowing the child a small measure of control in an unhappy situation.

To the posters calling potching abusive: calling a behavior inherently abusive means that a person engaging in that behavior is inherently abusive and that's ridiculous. For example, I have a neighbor who is just NOT on top of her kid going into the street. It is absolutely terrifying. Really, I stopped counting the number of times she almost got hit by a car last summer (when she was about 18/19 months old). Her child walks in and out of the house at will whereas mine know that, even if the door is left open for some reason, they may not go outside without a grown up. Is she an abusive parent because that kind of behavior is neglectful and neglect abuse? No -- because neglect CAN be a part of abuse, but it doesn't define it solely. So she's just not the greatest parent in that specific regard. (I hope I communicated that well. It was the best example I could think of.) Intent is, as others have said, important.

To the poster who was talking about apologizing to a child (your response was confusing): I ultimately decided, after speaking with my mother (who almost NEVER potched us, and has the benefit of knowing both me and my child) that last night's potch WAS the wrong reaction for that particular incident and the first thing that I did when she woke up this morning was apologize for giving her the wrong punishment for what she had done -- yes, it was still wrong, yes she had deserved a punishment, but I gave the wrong one and I was sorry for it. And because we have an open and (for the most part) emotionally mature relationship with one another, she THANKED ME for apologizing which proves to me that she wasn't (and isn't) afraid of me, or she wouldn't have even looked at me; she would have been afraid of saying the wrong thing and making me angry again.

To the posters comparing potching a child to spousal abuse: really? Two adults without diminished mental capacities are capable of discussing an issue without resorting to physical violence. A toddler or child without an adult understanding of the world (like a two year old running into the street) needs the little hurt of a potch to protect them from a bigger hurt down the line. Do you consider it abusive to give your child vaccines (a little hurt now to protect from a bigger hurt later)? Do you consider it abusive to engage your child in physical therapy? Do you consider it abusive to have a dentist fill your child's cavity? I know that these aren't disciplinary things -- but it's the principle of a physical pain now to protect them later.

@greenfire: after I potched my daughter last night, I took her into my lap to hug her and kiss her and to tell her specifically that 'You know that Mommy loves you, right?" "Right" "And you know that Mommy loves you even when Mommy is potching you, right?" which prompted her to ask HOW I could love her when I'm potching which lead to a good 10 minute conversation about different emotions and how love and anger are not opposites, so we can feel them at the same time, as well as re-defining things like 'love' and 'hate' and 'anger' and so on. And on the rare instances when I raise my voice or yell, or am clearly angry about something, I reiterate as well 'that Mommy still loves you even when she's yelling or angry'.

@daagahminayin: without knowing the age of the baby, I can only say that that's horrible.

MaBelleVie

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:38 pm

I'm just going to add that I do not believe in potching a toddler. A toddler does not have the emotional maturity to process it in the way that I intend it.

starmarket

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:39 pm

@greenfire: after I potched my daughter last night, I took her into my lap to hug her and kiss her and to tell her specifically that 'You know that Mommy loves you, right?" "Right" "And you know that Mommy loves you even when Mommy is potching you, right?" which prompted her to ask HOW I could love her when I'm potching which lead to a good 10 minute conversation about different emotions and how love and anger are not opposites, so we can feel them at the same time, as well as re-defining things like 'love' and 'hate' and 'anger' and so on.

As parents, we are teaching our kids what love means - I agree with you - but I hope you can see that you are teaching your daughters to accept being hit as a sign that they are loved. This could be very scary, especially for girls, for them to internalize.

greenfire

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:47 pm

allrgymama wrote:

@greenfire: after I potched my daughter last night, I took her into my lap to hug her and kiss her and to tell her specifically that 'You know that Mommy loves you, right?" "Right" "And you know that Mommy loves you even when Mommy is potching you, right?" which prompted her to ask HOW I could love her when I'm potching which lead to a good 10 minute conversation about different emotions and how love and anger are not opposites, so we can feel them at the same time, as well as re-defining things like 'love' and 'hate' and 'anger' and so on. And on the rare instances when I raise my voice or yell, or am clearly angry about something, I reiterate as well 'that Mommy still loves you even when she's yelling or angry'.

so says the abused woman's husband in the honeymoon cycle ... Rolling Eyes

allrgymama

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:49 pm

@MaBelleVie: I think that, as with everything, it depends on the child. DD #2 was walking well before she turned 1. With her first summer walking at 18 months old, she had no understanding that walking into the street meant that she could get hit by a car. I'm not afraid to say that, in that specific case, I NEEDED her to be afraid of the potch she was going to get, because the immediate cause and effect of getting a potch for going into the street was something she could understand, even if she didn't understand the why of it.

@starmarket: No. I taught my child that getting a potch is not a contradiction of love.

gold21

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:53 pm

allrgymama wrote:

I can't imagine potching an 18 month old... I mean, they don't even understand cause and effect at that point....

If an 18 month old runs into the street, potch the mother. Just kidding.... Well, sort of. LOL. Wink

I have a 14 month old (she was walking at about 10 months), and she doesn't play outside without me watching her like a hawk. She's a BABY.

I thought this thread was about the preschool aged child... Which is a totally different story....

(Cue the annoying "Edited By Gold21....." message at the bottom of my post. Annoying.)

Last edited by gold21 on Thu, Apr 03 2014, 10:06 pm; edited 4 times in total

Tova

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:55 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

I'm just going to add that I do not believe in potching a toddler. A toddler does not have the emotional maturity to process it in the way that I intend it.

I'm the exact opposite...I would never potch once the child is out of diapers, at that time (age 3 or so) another punishment is understood and effective (or if it's not effective a potch certainly wouldn't be). A toddler I would and have tapped their bottom enough that it made a "sound" on the diaper along with a "no!"

sneakermom

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:57 pm

You sound like a good person and you put a lot of thought into your parenting. Intentions matter and your child feels that.

But for the record I'm still uncomfortable making such a big deal and tado about potching. I know you disagree but I feel it's demeaning to have to wait to be hit or to be asked where. It's like holding up bleach or ammonia and asking someone to pick their poison. It's a level of control that is unsettling to me.

I'm not saying hitting a child is abuse. I am saying that it can be experienced as such. Believe me I speak from personal experience.

MaBelleVie

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 9:59 pm

allrgymama wrote:

I understand why you found it effective, but it's not something I would do. A toddler doesn't have the ability to understand everything that you explained to your five year old re love in the moment of the potch.

I see it as 100% a parent's responsibility to ensure a toddler's safety at all times, whatever that takes. I don't believe in putting any responsibility on a toddler for ensuring her own safety, which is what you're hoping to accomplish with the potch.

gold21

Thu, Apr 03 2014, 10:02 pm

MaBelleVie wrote:

I agree with you.

Anyways, an 18 month old is just barely a toddler. It's basically like spanking a baby.... Confused