asei lecho Rov | Imamother

amother

Sat, May 14 2005, 9:04 pm

"Asei lecho Rov" Pirkei avos
Can one make their husband their "Rov" and mashpia?

In the sicha from the Lub Rebbe he says that one who says they can't find an appropriate person to be their rov its their yetzer hora talking.
but I really can't find an appropriate person. Sure there are people who are on a higher madreiga then me or more knowledgable etc, but none of them are people I would feel comfortable going to. This has been bugging me for some time and doing pirkei avos on shabbos brought it all to the surface. When I was a kid I asked my sister who should I ask and she recommended someone. I asked that person, she said she would think about it and then told me to find someone who knows me better. that was the end of that.
Well my husband is very knowledgable and more chassidish then me so can I just have him as my mashpia? Or would he be too biased? (he thinks he would)

Rochel Leah

Sat, May 14 2005, 11:37 pm

my mashpia, once told me that I shouldn't be my husbands mashpia and visa versa, and it has been one of the best pieces of advice I have gotten. unless your husband isn't going against halacha then I wouldn't tell him what to do be ruchnius..but sometimes it do say: it would make me happy if you would ... or it would be nice for sz if you did such and such and then I leave it up to his discretion.

stem

Sat, May 14 2005, 11:55 pm

I'm not lubavitch so I'm not sure about the whole mashpia thing. The way I see it a husband and a wife are a team. If you have a spiritual or halachik question, who's better to turn to than your own husband? If he doesn't know that answer or if you can't agree about a certain issue, go to your LOR (local orthodox rabbi) and aska shaila. What's so complicated? Confused

amother

Sun, May 15 2005, 5:24 am

meaning
it says in pirkei avos, chapter 1, verse 6
".....yehoshuah ben parchya says: asei lecho Rov Ukne l'cho chover...."

yehoshuah the son of parchya says: Provide yourself with a teacher; acquire for yourself a friend ....

I actually wasn't responding to you 1stimer I was responding to the comment made earlier

Quote:

I'm not lubavitch so I'm not sure about the whole mashpia thing

.
Yes the Lub Rebbe encourages it, but doesn't make it only a lubavitch thing.
Don't other groups have mashpias they go to? I was under the impression people did
so getting back to my issue
I think RG and rochel leah made valid points, that its not the spouses place to take that role and may not be healthy for the marriage, which leaves me back at square one.
Confused

stem you have a valid point about taking shailos to a rov but thats not what the concept of mashpia/personal rov is about.
when I say Rov in this sense I'm not talking about my regular rov I ask shailos from. I need someone I can go to with hashkafa advice questions.
My Rov is lovely but being as he isn't just my Rov but a community Rov he doesn't have the time to deal with the more personal less halachik type issues. thats the idea of the mashpia. Someone you can go to for the things you don't go to a Rov for.
I can't go to my parents because they get too emotionally involved.
The same with a spouse.
My husband openly said to me, "wouldn't I be biased?"
What if the issues was something between my husband and me? or between me and his parents? etc etc.
or between the two of us and another person and we are both angry, like a situation we are in now. My husband is going to be just as emotionally worked up as me so won't be able to give me level headed unbiased advice.

Motek

Sun, May 15 2005, 7:59 am

here's a short thread that will answer some questions raised here:

http://imamother.com/forum/vie.....e569c

amother - I think that while you still keep your eyes open for a female mashpia, that your husband can serve in a masphia role to a certain extent. After all, that is the natural role of the husband in a Jewish marriage anyway, to be the spiritual head of the household.

since a mashpia is meant to guide you in your spiritual growth, other issues that come up (like chinuch, who to go to for Pesach etc.) are not necessarily issues for a mashpia anyway, and in those situations you can consult with an objective friend

1stimer

Sun, May 15 2005, 8:06 am

amother, I had never even heard the word mashpia before imamother, I'm not even really sure what it is. However I have heard of pirkei avos Very Happy

There are some straight-forward halachic questions which you can ask to any rav. There are also some hashkafic questions which ppl ask of a rav who knows them personally. I think it is important for a family to have both (could be the same person!)

Hope this makes sense...

amother

Sun, May 15 2005, 8:21 am

so motek am I understanding you correctly
Can I get away with my husband being my mashpia in ruchnius issues and finished? seeing as I can't find a female mashpia.

why does this not make me feel better?
Yes my husband has been filling that role for me to a certain extent all these years but I still feel something lacking.

Motek

Sun, May 15 2005, 8:28 am

1stiimer: so what aren't you sure about?

amother - well, SOMEBODY (your husb.) is filling the role, so that's good. You feel something lacking probably because it's advisable for women to have a female mashpia, and probably also because you see the mashpia role as more than a spiritual advisor and you and your husband don't think he's objective enough for the other, more emotional things.