Can Men and Women Be Platonic Friends?

amother

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 10:00 am

I'm imagining myself in a situation of having a friendship with a guy. Maybe this is me, but if I personally liked someone, and really liked the way he thought, that alone would be attractive enough to me to start finding him attractive. I don't mean to say that I start to have crushes on any person I have to interact with, but I really wouldn't do so on a social level.
Now as far as the reverse goes - do I think any guy would start to find me attractive under similar circumstances? People are wired differently. I won't speak for men. But I will speak for me.

causemommysaid

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 10:06 am

I am sure there are exceptions to the rule (such as one friend is gay/lesbian or perhaps people who grew up together from when they were young... etc) but as a general rule I think the answer is no.

I don't think men and women can have completely platonic friendships. It may seem platonic but there is always an undercurrent, however minor, but it is still there.

I think men are more willing to admit this fact.

I don't think growing up more segregated makes a substantial difference.

In a professional setting it may be a bit easier because its more formal and structured.

In a couple setting it may also work easier because your spouse is there to limit the friendship

I don't think it helps you pick a better marriage partner if you are friends with men beforehand.

causemommysaid

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 10:10 am

Clarissa wrote:

Merrymom wrote:

Absolutely not. Whenever I had a friendship with a co-worker or otherwise, it always turned out that the guys privately had feelings for me. I was just their friend but that is not how they saw it. Even the married men who spend a bit too much time talking to you, it's because at some level there's an attraction, it's not just because you both like exchanging recipes.

You're obviously s*xier than I am. Usually the men in my life just have feelings for my baked goods or bad advice.

no one is sxier than your avatar. even cookies

ElTam

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 10:29 am

One of my oldest friends is a male. He's the one who, when he met my DH when we were first dating (friend was single at the time) said, "This is the guy for you." So I feel certain he doesn't have any underlying feelings for me. I set him up on dates, talked to him after dates, and helped him design his wedding proposal to his wife. I feel certain I don't have any non-friend feelings for him. We danced at each others' weddings.

That being said, since we are married, I do make a point of always telling my husband when I speak to him or when we email, just updating DH about what is going on. And DH has become friends with my male friend and I have become friends with friend's wife. I think that trust and respect is necessary. I would never have anything private with my friend that I didn't tell my DH about.

But, I have seen first-hand how couple's dating turns into couples divorcing. So I answered maybe.

amother

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 10:49 am

amother wrote:

I grew up JPF and I always believed in platonic relationships.
I think I was naive though. My one, favorite platonic relationship was with a guy I went to college with.
Inevitably (as in many cases), one of us became more interested in the other and that became very painful. We only became real friends again after we were both married and even now, we don't ever socialize without his wife present.

If you're interested in the male point of view check this out.
http://youtu.be/T_lh5fR4DMA

And then this:

http://youtu.be/FYQmqxQgEBY

Thanx for the good laugh. It notice how the men have a negative view they're afraid and woman more carefree.

amother

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 11:02 am

It didn't work out for me. I was trying very hard to prove that men and women can have a platonic relationship. Still didn't work.

In my case, even though I was not attracted to this guy at all, I grew to love his personality, and consequently became attracted. We cut off right at the point before it got seriously physical.

Barbara

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 11:22 am

Merrymom wrote:

What "not Jewish" is having an extramarital affair. (Its also not Christian and not Mormon and not Muslim and not Hindi, but I digress.) But just because men and women sometimes have affairs doesn't mean that men and women cannot or should not be friends. Any more than the fact that I know more than a couple of women who have left their husbands for their heretofore best (female) friends mean that women should not have female friends.

I have always had male friends. My first best friend in the world was a boy, and all these years later, I still adore him, and there has never, ever been anything z3xual about it. Even my teenage son is able to have platonic friendships with girls.

I'd just hate to write off half the world, who have interesting ideas and perspectives.

causemommysaid

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 11:35 am

Barbara wrote:

I'd just hate to write off half the world, who have interesting ideas and perspectives.

you don't have to "write off" half the world.

its not all or nothing.

You can still discuss interesting ideas and perspectives but keep barriers in place to avoid the natural course of events- that most of the time non platonic feelings will develop by one or both parties involved.

Tamiri

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 11:35 am

ABSOLUTELY!!!! I've been friendly with a boy... well, now he's a man of 50, since we were 16. I NEVER had anything but platonic feelings for him and still don't. He had girlfriends come and go but we were just friends. He's been married for 30 years, I've been married for almost that long... not an issue. At all. I mean, you can't POSSIBLY be zexually attracted to every guy with equipment, can you?

sushi galore

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 11:38 am

c.c.cookie wrote:

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I dont agree with this, but when I saw the thread title, I had to add this in:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAiH5ed1o1Q

I had the same reaction!

when I read the title to this thread this video popped into my head. I just forgot the name. Thanx for reminding me about it.

Tamiri

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 11:40 am

amother wrote:

Don't you need to want his body for it to be zexual????
I think it's probably easier for females who grew up around males. Who learned the boundaries early on. Not every boy wants to **** you and you don't want to **** every boy you meet. Particularly if you are religious and not into touching boys anyway. Maybe that's a plus: the negia thing. Keeps inyanim in perspective.

Merrymom

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 11:44 am

Tamiri wrote:

The question is what does he think of you? Not that I recommend asking him this, but you can't possibly know the answer to that unless you've asked.

naturalmom5

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 11:49 am

In my vast life experience , I have to say that marital status and age is everything.
If you are in high school or single in your 20s, IMVHO, don't fool yourself . Yes, it's possible if you set very strong barriers in place , but why . Life is hard enough as it is, without driving your hormones insane.
If you are over 50 and happily married, almost 95% of the time it's as easy as breathing if you were raised in s healthy co-Ed environment . If at that stage of life, you still can manage it, I truely feel bad that your school and upbringing gave you such neurotic and psychological issues.

DrMom

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 12:09 pm

Merrymom wrote:

sunny90 wrote:

I'm not going to answer all of the questions as I feel I'm not qualified to--I'm FFB and never had platonic guy friends, but I do have to say this:
My husband and I are part of a group of couples in which all of us women are very good friends and so are all the men. Most times when we all get together our conversations end up divided by gender, just based on the things we like to talk about Smile

. Of course when we're all sitting at the same table our conversations overlap sometimes, but I don't think any of us have ever crossed inappropriate lines. If I saw one of their husbands we could have a friendly conversation, and vice versa with my husband and one of my friends, but I don't think that affects our marriage. We LOVE that we can get together with a few other couples and both have a great time!

I used to socialize with a group of couples just like this, until my friend's dh decided to have an affair with her best friend. I'm not against couples getting together for meals and such, but couples dating is disgusting un Jewish behavior in my opinion, and asking for trouble.

Only if you behave in a disgusting manner. Otherwise, how is it different from having dinner guests at the Shabbat table? Is that also "disgusting"? (*bizarre*)

nyer1

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 12:12 pm

Do you think men and women can be friends?
-depends on the situation

Do you think men and women have different opinions on this subject?
-of course!

Do you think those raised in a segregated society would have a harder time being platonic friends?
-yes because people in a segregated society ONLY associate male/female interactions as being for marriage.

Would someone who grew up in a co-ed environment have an easier time being platonic friends?
-yes! I definitely do. Im a BT , and I had male friends growing up and in college, and there wasn't anything wrong with it. of course now being frum and married I have way less male friends, but im not socially awkward around males as are some FFB women I know.

Can men and women have platonic friendships in the workplace, school, or professional settings?
-yes. its a matter of knowing boundaries. for example, a male friend I have at work. we really only socialize AT work, not outside of work, unless it is with other coworkers. there are no texts / emails etc.

Can men and women be platonic friends as two couples (hanging out as couples)?
-depends on the community, but for me, yes. most of my male friends at this point are my husbands friends, and im closer with their wives. we spend time together on shabbos etc

Would a married person have an easier time being platonic friends?
-yes. being committed to my spouse means that I wouldn't really be alone with the male friend, it would more often than not be a couples gathering, which we are okay with

Would people pick better marriage partners if they knew how to be friends beforehand?
-not necessarily

What orthodox group do you identify with? (modern orthodox, hasidic, sephardic, etc.)
-modern yeshivish ... BT

amother

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 12:14 pm

Tamiri wrote:

amother wrote:

I'm the amother at the top of the page.
If you really, really like someone you sometimes start to overlook the things that might have bothered you at first glance, and can really get attracted on a soul level, which leads to physical attraction.

Tamiri

Mon, Jun 03 2013, 12:36 pm

Merrymom wrote:

Tamiri wrote:

The question is what does he think of you? Not that I recommend asking him this, but you can't possibly know the answer to that unless you've asked.

OMG, I could SURELY ask him... next to his wife, even! LOL We are MARRIED to other people... for AGES!!!! What do we think of each other? That we've known each other a long, long time.