'Runaway Bride' | Imamother

amother

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 5:53 am

but are we forgetting what happened in the olden days when the parents made the shidduch and the girl or boy had no choice but to marry them. and with time they learned to love eachother. that was tradition those days and really no one thought other wise. I am wondering how did it stop and this way came about?

supermom

queen

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 8:38 am

I just can't imagine being married to someone for whom I don't like or have feelings for. What is the purpose then......??????? and even just the HAVING children, to do it with someone you don't know/care for?

I always wonder what goes on (at night) after the wedding for couples that didn't have any contact while engaged and all of a sudden are together and about to go very intimate.

Isn't it peculiar, or am I the only one who finds it strange?

Pearl

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 8:47 am

no, I find it strange too, but I guess if that's what you know and see, and what everyone is doing, then maybe it won't be strange....

amother

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 9:36 am

So, am I the only one on amother who didn't date? I spoke to my husband only once for 1/2 hour, and I did not speak to him (except on erev Rosh Hashona)till I walked into the yichud shtib.You can say I married a complete stranger. But I didn't know any better and was unbelievably naive. Where I live, this is how it is done. And the divorce rate is not higher than anywhere else.
Where I live, the girls are extremely sheltered.All my friends have married without dating.And as for love, It comes with time. But technicaly I went home from my wedding with a strange bochur and was expected to be intimate with him.

Pearl

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 9:43 am

amother, thank you for your post!
but you didn't really tell how you FEEL/FELT about this. you did say it's how things are in your community, so obviously it wasn't strange to you.
but would you have liked to date first?

amother

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 10:08 am

I don't think I would want to go through the emotional part of dating. But I surely would have wanted to speak to a bochur more than once before marrying him.

I am married 10+ years. Times do change. Today "some" girls and boys I know, do talk more than once before becoming engaged.

The reasoning behind it is that hashem is mzavig zvigim. so you trust that your parents have been guided by hashem to find your zivig. And you get married to have kids, not for love.

queen

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 10:09 am

Thank you aMother, that was brave of you to write!

I am curious however what your thoughts are while speaking for only 30 minutes? and what it felt like all of a sudden being full time with a bochur whom you hardly know.

I hope you don't mind my questions, I just would appreciate a window into the other way of doing things. (thanks in advance)

queen

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 10:11 am

amother... our responses overlapped!

regarding getting married to have kids, must be very trying and tough for couples not blessed in the beginning with children.

amother

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 10:27 am

for couples who get married "to have children" The time before pregnancy is very trying, cause they dont have a common denominator. Having a child connects a couple who otherwise are strangers.

Tefila

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 10:44 am

Proudmom I was going to ask the same thing. 8)
Amother It's not just for children, first comes love then comes peru urevu. Otherwise what about those who nishdugadach can't or haven't been blessed to have kids, or older people.

queen

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 10:51 am

freilich,

one would hope that by the time our 'newlyweds' have become old there is love and feelings there and that they'll be ok.......

but the question is- what happens those years UNTIL children?

I am just trying to imagine the wife coming home from mikva....... is the husband all excited to see her, with a hug/kiss, or is it business as usual until they are 'obligated' to do the mitzva later that night???

proudmom

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 10:55 am

I feel that it takes a while for a person to love one another. That is why there are a few dates to go out and see if there is a connection between them. IF there is no connection in teh begining then you dont continue going out if there is then you continue. Amother by you, you go out for a half an hour and then you are engaged. What happens if there is no connection at all then there might be big problems in the future.

sarahd

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 11:15 am

You know, if you don't have these great romantic ideas of love and stars in your eyes then you're not disappointed when you don't have overwhelming feelings for your choson. The point of meeting is to make sure you're not revolted by each other. All the other stuff - compatibility, character, intelligence and so on - have already been checked out by the parents. (The checking-out process takes much longer than with non-chassidic shidduchim.) All you need to know is that you don't hate him, that there's at least some chemistry there, which you can usually tell after one or two meetings.

Pearl

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 11:18 am

amother, obviously I respect your logging in as amother, and I thank you for your openess, but I wish I could pm you because I have a 1000 questions!
have to run home now, so will see how this discussion develops, and might post questions later....
once again, thank you!

gryp

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 11:24 am

also, im not sure why everyone's so worried about the couple until they have children. its a perfect time to get to know each other, since they hadnt before. I would think its harder to get to know each other when you have a baby right away.
and even if you do date a few times, you still have to get to know each other once youre married.
ok, so youre a bit further along in knowing each other than if you would have only met once for half an hour, so they have to really start from scratch and already be married....
and im not sure where "love" came into the picture. I think we mean to say "attraction" or "hamshachas halev," but LOVE?
but the reason we (lubavitch) do date a few times is to see if there is hamshachas halev.

queen

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 11:50 am

RG, one DOES have at least 9 months of getting to know each other before a newborn comes on the scene.

Thinking back to the night I said "yes" to my husband, I didn't L.O.V.E him, but I had TREMENDOUS (with capitlal T) respect for him, really enjoyed being with him and liked him very much.

So yes, love does come with time.

amother

Thu, Jun 09 2005, 11:59 am

Couldn't have written it better myself!