Low Standards | Imamother

amother

Mon, Jun 13 2011, 2:48 pm

Low Standards

When Robert Browning wrote “Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a heaven for?”, I wonder if the reach he envisioned included all that is now possible.

I ask because even though I agree with Browning in theory, my life’s experiences have shown me that the reach which exceeds the grasp works for some people but not for others. I am not one of those people. Sure, my grasp has exceeded my reach on a handful of occasions, but in general my tendency toward low self-worth has made setting my goals unrealistically high a dangerous game.

When I was in my 20’s, I got it in my head that I could take a college calculus class. When the professor started the first lecture, I quickly began to realize that I may have jumped to an unrealistic conclusion. But still on a high from some other accomplishment, I optimistically engaged a tutor for myself and still believed I could conquer the calculus. After one session, the tutor told me that she could not take my money. The professor requested that I see him after he returned the first quiz. I can’t remember what he said to me, but I knew it was all over.

I’m not stupid. I’m a hard worker. I realize that there are certain things that come easy to me and there are certain things that I probably will never grasp. I work full-time at a job in which I do not excel. Perhaps my problem is that I need to excel once in awhile. As a result, I’ve made it a practice to set my standards low, but reachable.

Yes, my standards are low. I don’t need sparkling clean floors. But my standards, low as they are, are very important to me. I need them. My floor may not be sparkling clean but I have a rule that it must be swept and washed once a week. That is a low standard, but I am adamant about that standard.

My low but strict standards are what have given me some balance over the last 20 years. When there is a job to do, I plan to do it and get it done. I do not necessarily plan to do it the absolute best way possible. I do not necessarily plan to do it quickly. But I plan to do it in the best way I can and in the best time I can without sacrificing other needed elements like sleep, exercise or quiet time.

My standards are low and yet I am proud of them. I have worked hard to keep them up, and they give me a sense of organization and accomplishment.

I’m writing about my low standards now because I fear they are in danger. My schedule has changed. It leaves me with a perpetual sense of apathy and strain. Part of me no longer cares about my precious low standards. There are some things I used to do that I don’t do anymore. There are some things I did often which I hardly do anymore. There are some things that I flirt with not caring about anymore. If my low standards are in danger, there isn’t much left to replace them.

I miss my low standards and the stability they afforded me. But I’m too tired and angry to care.