Chinuch lessons that we can learn from the Menorah

Motek

Sun, Dec 25 2005, 5:05 pm

By C. Ben Dovid

1 – EACH CANDLE IS UNIQUE, INDIVIDUAL

Halacha says that the Chanuka lights must be in a straight row with a space in between each of them so that each candle is distinct and it won’t look like one large flame. The parallel to the chinuch of our children is obvious. We must provide each child his or her unique space.

Psychologist Esther Meizlich explains, “Each child is unique. In addition to each child being an entire world with his own personality, abilities, character, and inclination that are unique to him, there is another factor that sets them apart, I.e. their birth order. Each candle has its place and is lit in a certain order and each child has his place in the family.

“The oldest child stands out because parents typically dote on their firstborn. Often he is more responsible, more mature, and can take on greater tasks. The oldest sometimes takes on too much authority and fills a parent’s role in regard to his younger siblings, disciplining them and acting like a parent.

“If the parents focus on the strong points of their oldest, cultivate them, and give him responsibilities but don’t make him into another parent, he will benefit tremendously.

“The second child (as well as those that follow) is often inclined not to copy his older brother. They often seek another avenue or another way to shine that does not force them to compete with their older sibling. Sometimes, you also have those who try to follow in the footsteps of their older brother and look up to them as their role model. I advise parents to develop their second child’s own talents.

“We have no control over hereditary characteristics and can only discover them, develop them, and allow the positive ones to flourish. Our job as parents is to provide a nurturing environment in which every child can grow.”

Motek

Mon, Dec 26 2005, 3:29 pm

2- THE EIGHT LIGHTS ARE EQUAL IN HEIGHT

Along with each candle’s distinctiveness, another one of the laws of Chanuka is that the eight branches must be in a straight row and equal in height. To what extent can there be equality among children despite their differences?

Mrs. Esther Meizlich sees equality as fitting in to our general running of the home where there is no reason to adapt to different types. “A home must have a unified system which preserves the character of a Chassidic home, a frum home, as well as conventional behavior and manners. These rules do not change even though the ways of instilling them change depending on a child’s age, nature, and place in the family.”

Naomi, mother of a large family, looks at equality from a different angle. “Children want equality when it comes to privileges. Every mother of more than one child has heard the question, “How come only he got …” and “I also want …” I think that the only area where equality applies is that each child ought to get what he needs. Yet, not every child needs the same things and the children need to know that.

“It’s fine to tell a child that the reason his brother received new clothes is because he needed them while he has what he needs, and that he has a new briefcase because he needed that item.

“Parents know that when they attempt to satisfy everybody and provide them all with the same things, the children learn to look at each other’s plates in order to see who got more. There is no purpose (and it is impossible) to create equality where it isn’t meant to be. You just have to make it clear that every child gets what he needs.

“When we look at the Chanuka lights, they are equal in height but there is an order too. Each candle is lit at the right time and each day you start with a different candle (the new one). Each candle and every child is attended to at the right time.”

Motek

Tue, Dec 27 2005, 1:48 pm

3- INDEPENDENCE – EACH FLAME SHOULD GO UP ON ITS OWN

Rashi says, regarding the Menorah in the Mishkan, that the lighting has to be such that a flame goes up on its own. The lesson for us - our impact on another Jew needs to be in a way that the person shines on his own.

This message is very important when it comes to chinuch. Our goal is that our children behave not only when we are around! We want our children to internalize our values and act according to them even when they are on their own. Through consistency in chinuch we can raise children who shine on their own.

Naomi adds, “When you light a candle you place the lit match near the wick until we are sure that the candle is lit. Chinuch also requires ongoing care and a lot of sensitivity and alertness to know when we can allow our children their independence.

“Even when the flame is already lit we need to look after it and protect it. The proper balance between protecting and supporting our children and allowing them some freedom requires great wisdom.”

Motek

Wed, Dec 28 2005, 3:42 pm

that's so nice! thanks for the positive feedback Smile

4- LISTENING TO THE LIGHTS

The halacha is that after lighting the Menorah we must sit near it for at least half an hour and the women do not do melacha at this time. Sitting near the candles is a wonderful time for uniting the family and it can also teach us an important chinuch lesson. Just as we are to sit near the candles and watch them, and the Lubavitcher Rebbe says we should listen to what the candles have to say, so too, we should sit with our children, look at them, and listen to what they have to say. And to what they don’t say.

We need to be sensitive to the accompanying feelings and the underlying issues, and to look at things deeply. A deep look at, and contemplative thought about, someone, have the power to arouse and awaken the essence of the soul and hidden soul powers (Ha’Yom Yom 14 Shevat).

In order to be successful in chinuch, we need to give children our time and not be busy with other work if it takes away from our relationship with our children. And we need to think about them. Just as we need to sit near the lit Menorah for half an hour, so too we need to devote half an hour a day of thought to chinuch, to our children, our lights. (Ha’Yom Yom 29 Teves).

Motek

Thu, Dec 29 2005, 6:21 pm

glad you like it!

5- THE PROPER HEIGHT

The Menorah must be lit at a height where it will be seen. If you light in a place that is too low, less than ten hands-breadths, or too high, over twenty cubits, you did not fulfill your obligation, as it says in halacha.

Our approach to children ought to be on the “right level.” We need to talk to children on a level and in a way that suits them.

Sometimes we have demands from, and expectations of our children that are inappropriate. Sometimes we speak over our children’s heads and expect them to understand us. Certainly, we should not underestimate our children’s abilities but as always, a balance is needed so that we speak to our children on just the right level.

Motek

Sun, Jan 01 2006, 3:59 pm

6- LIGHTS THAT ILLUMINATE

There is nothing like candles, that symbol of spreading light. We are told that we need to be “lights that illuminate,” I.e. to spread the light and influence our environment. At the same time, lights need to be protected from winds that might extinguish them. When on shlichus [I will add that this point applies to all, not exclusively to Lubavitchers-motek], great care must be taken so that our children are the ones doing the influencing and are not being influenced by their environment. How can we accomplish this?

Chani Beckerman, shlucha in Beer Sheva, explains:

“When the children live on shlichus and are part of the shlichus, it becomes a part of them. They have a model that they try to emulate. Although they are exposed to different types of people and situations, they know that we have our way and they feel compassion for those people who are not yet observant.

“As the children get older it gets harder, but we need to take advantage of a child’s natural innocence which is present at every age. At our house, we talk about the difficulties and challenges, and the children benefit from these discussions.

“The most important thing is to fill the house and the children with spiritual and Chassidic content. The children live within the routine of a Chassidic home that fills their time and there are special games and rewards for good deeds, stories, niggunim, and all sorts of things that enrich their lives. This makes it all the easier to ward off outside influences.

“This goes along with lots of davening and lots of help from Above. Additionally, the Rebbe promises to take responsibility for the children of shluchim. This makes it easier and is encouraging and strengthening, but it certainly doesn’t exempt us from doing the work.”

Motek

Sun, Jan 01 2006, 4:01 pm

7- TO ILLUMINATE THE HOUSE

The Chanuka lights are supposed to light up the darkness. The purpose of lighting the Menorah is so the people outside will notice the lights and be reminded of the miracle. Nevertheless, our custom is to light the Menorah in the house and not even in the window but in the doorway.

Perhaps this teaches us how important it is to invest within our own homes. Especially today, when women go out and have an influence outside their homes, let us not forget our homes. Let us remember to put our energy into our children and our homes. When our homes are full of Chassidic influences, then this radiates out as well.

Still, lighting within the house is not a substitute for hafatza outside. And in our generation there is an emphasis on lighting outside too, whether on mivtzaim and lighting with people in various places or lighting huge, public Menorahs.

As women and mothers, we have to balance our work in the home and our work in influencing outside our homes, with our homes as our priority!

Motek

Sun, Jan 01 2006, 4:02 pm

8- WE HAVE THE TOOLS

The miracle of Chanuka happened under the rule of the Greeks, before the destruction of the second Beis Ha’Mikdash by the Romans. The Rebbe explains that Hashem preceded the “blow” with the “cure,” and we merited the special light of the Chanuka lights.

If we encounter difficulty with a child, we need to remember that along with the difficulty and problems, we have been given kochos and tools to handle it. When we internalize this point, we will also succeed in uncovering these kochos and will be able to use them in the proper way and overcome the difficulties.