Dramatic regarding health - how to tell when serious?

amother

Thu, May 16 2024, 10:39 pm

My ten year old son has always been very expressive. Any small pain or sickness, and he's constantly complaining and describing the pain and how bad it is in detail. I come from a family where there were serious illnesses that were asymptomatic until too late, so I have my own health anxiety that I try and hide as much as possible from him, so he doesn't sense my nervousness. It usually goes something like this:

Him: I have such a bad headache!
Me: Oh no! Feel better! Show me where it hurts.
Him: Here, and also here, and sort of all over, it's like there's a knife in my head!
Me: Oy, let's take some medicine. How long have you had it for?
Him: Well it just started a few minutes ago this time, but I also had this every day for months - for my whole life!
Me (staying low key): It's really important to tell me any time you a headache, so we can keep an eye on it if it keeps happening. Let's get you a drink and you can have a rest. (Inside I'm freaking out that he chas v'shalom has something terrible).
The next day the headache is gone, we don't hear about it again. A few days later it will be something completely different.

We've taken him for x-rays when there has been nothing wrong, because one time he did actually have a broken bone. There's just no way to know from how he speaks (like the boy who cried wolf). We tried getting him to rate the pain from 0-10 but it's always high on the scale, or even above it, to him! Sometimes we ask him if he thinks it's a "wait and see, doctor visit, or hospital visit" type thing, but it's really something I want to be able to figure out for him, not leave him to try and work out!

He's in therapy already for anxiety/emotional regulation issues, and I've spoken to the therapist but looking for more real life experience from parent.

Since yesterday it is right sided abdominal/under rib pain. If it was one of my other kids I'd be freaking out about his appendix, but he isn't crying or yelling in pain, and seems to want to hang out with his friends..

seeker

Thu, May 16 2024, 11:14 pm

Your response sounds great and you are validated by the headache disappearing the next day. I treat my anxious child similarly. I don't invalidate her concerns, I give a bare minimum tlc, a little reassurance, and instructions to tell me if it continues to bother her. And it almost never does. The only thing I actually test for on the first complaint is strep because I'm a believer in treating that aggressively, we've had stubborn strep in the family before.

amother

Firebrick

Fri, May 17 2024, 1:22 am

You sound great, your responses are really good.

Sorry I have no advice but your post is really helpful to me with my own kids.
Thank you.

So even keeled and grounded.

amother

Blueberry

Fri, May 17 2024, 2:51 am

My 11 year old daughter is like this, and I also have health anxiety, so interesting- I wonder if it is related.

First of all, I know how difficult and confusing it can be, I can't tell you the number of times we ran to urgent care because dd was screaming in pain after a fall and by the time the doctor got to us she was smiling and jumping around.

Practically, I discovered that asking her a lot of questions actually makes it worse. The more ask her to focus on it (show me where it hurts, tell me what happened, etc etc) the more upset and dramatic she gets. So I try to be sympathetic and validating, but more like this:
DD: My foot, it is really hurting me. Whenever I step like this it hurts too much to walk.
Me: Feel better, let me give you a hug. I can take a look if you want or bring you some ice.
DD: No, ice will make it hurt even more and if you hug me be careful not to touch it. Be careful!
Me: ok, I'm sorry your foot hurts. Would you like some medicine?
DD: Yes. It really really really hurts. It
aways hurts me every single week.
Me: Here's your medicine to help it now. You can rest if you want.
DD: It still hurts. I don't want to rest it just hurts and I'm crying a lot.
Me: If you think it needs a doctor, let me know. Here's another hug.
DD: I don't know jf it needs a doctor. Should we go to the doctor?
Me: think back to other times when something hurt, like when you broke your toe or sprained your ankle. Those times, we needed to go get an x ray. Do you think it needs an x ray?
DD: I don't know.
Me: OK, we don't have to decide this minute, we can decide a little later. Otherwise, do you want to continue talking about it and focusing on it or would you rather do something else instead?
DD: I want you to check it one more time and then maybe maybe we can talk about something else.

The less I ask about the pain itself, the better. And I dont ask about previous times or other times while she is in pain, only the current issue (if I am concerned about repeat foot pain, I ask her on a different day). And I also think that letting her decide whether she needs a doctor or an x ray has really helped. It really helps her learn for herself whether her body or her pain level is ok. And if I really think she needs medical attention and she doesn't, instead of asking her more questions, I call the doctor and ask if he thinks she needs to be checked. I also make sure not to tell her that she needs to tell me every time something hurts, she tells me enough and having her overfocus on whether things hurt or not or running to tell me every little thing it makes her more dramatic. I also talk to her regularly about how focusing on pain when it happens can make it feel worse. When she js in pain, I never try to distract her without her noticing, but I ask her when she is ready to focus on something else, as that gives her the validation she needs but also allows her to learn to self regulate.

Lastly, unless it seems like a real emergency, I usually wait at least an hour or a few before taking her to get checked, as often even the worst pain for her will resolve itself by then or not and things will be clearer.

English3

Fri, May 17 2024, 2:57 am

Lol dd9 is the same. She concetrates very hard in science lessons so that she can describe the pain clearly. She told me she has pain in her lower intestines. Her esophagus is hurting her.
Its cute. But she calms down after a few minutes so I dont worry.

shachachti

Fri, May 17 2024, 3:28 am

English3 wrote:

This is adorable especially for a 9 year old.

OP I have the exact same scenario with more than one child.

After many many many trips to the pediatrician and to specialists I already know the drills.

A child with an aneurysm can't focus because the headache is too strong.
If the child complains of a headache see if you can play a game he likes.

If he can focus on a game he most probably just needs some water.

Acute appendicitis is debilitating.
As long as the child is still interested in anything else he doesn't have appendicitis.

Strep very often comes with fever or another symptom like leg pain bad breath etc.

The only time I rush to the doctor is when it's breathing related.

amother

Snowflake

Fri, May 17 2024, 4:05 am

I don't have health anxiety but my 9 year old recently told me that she cries extra loud, more than it hurts, to get my attention.
I can imagine how nervewracking it is to have an anxiety on top of this.
I think you're handling it well. But I noticed that children can get you trapped in a forever back and forth. How about teaching her something like a basic first aid course so she can feel like she can help herself when she's in pain? I know that much of it is for attention but maybe she'll feel empowered.

amother

Oxfordblue

Fri, May 17 2024, 4:27 am

My child with adhd doesn't respond to pain regularly. We've had serious emergencies with pain that didn't sound so severe. Surgery recovery didn't follow the natural timeline. I had to force her back to bed.

We've also had xrays done because of a minor bruises and sprains, the crying was usually stronger than the real emergencies!