What do you do at a wedding?

DrMom

Wed, May 08 2024, 8:12 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks everyone. I often get invited to weddings where I don't know anyone at the time that I'm attending. I'm not a night person and often attend earlier while the people I know are going later (these are not very close weddings that we'd stay all night).

Why do you get invited to so many weddings where you don't know anybody? Are you a high school teacher or someone who interacts with a lot of single people, but not their families?

If so, perhaps you can set a policy of "I don't go to my students' weddings except to the chuppah."

essie14

Wed, May 08 2024, 9:15 am

amother OP wrote:

I also often wonder if all the effort, time, and money I spend getting to the wedding (babysitting, gas etc) are actually worth it for the two seconds that I say "mazel tov" and am barely noticed. If I would dance, that would enhance the simcha, but just hanging around doesn't do much IMHO.

You pay a babysitter to go to a wedding where you don't know anyone?
I'm still scratching my head at how you get invited to so many weddings.
Why do you feel close enough to go through all the hassle?
I guess in my circles we only get invited to weddings where we are close with the chattan/kallah and have friends in common.
I didn't invite anyone to my wedding who didn't know anyone else there. That type of friend is generally not that close.

amother

Wed, May 08 2024, 10:51 am

We get many invitations to weddings, and I only attend a fraction of them. Some are relatives (we have many BH), some are neighbors, shul members, workmates etc. Some of them are people only my husband knows (I never ever attend those), some of them only I know, and some we both know. Of course I need a babysitter if we both attend or if only I attend but my husband isn't available to babysit.... I often don't know anyone because if I only know the kallah from my workplace (and no other workmates bothered traveling to the wedding, or they're going later), or the chosson's mother because she babysat my children etc. then there are no mutual acquantainces..

DrMom

Wed, May 08 2024, 11:00 am

amother OP wrote:

If these are weddings for relatives, coworkers, neighbors, or shul members, why don't you know anyone else there?

essie14

Wed, May 08 2024, 11:04 am

amother OP wrote:

If it's a family wedding then you should have family members to talk to.
The woman who babysat your kids invites you to her childrens' weddings? In my circles that would be super strange.
Workmates - again, only the close people the chattan and kallah actually work with are invited and the workmates usually all come together. I had less than 10 work colleagues at my wedding. If I invited my whole department that would have been over 50 people! I didn't want so many people at my wedding and certainly couldn't afford it.
How many single women do you work with that this happens so often?

We also don't invite the whole shul, just close friends. and the friends all know each other from shul.

This must be cultural. I don't know anyone who has so many weddings at all. If your children are young enough to need a babysitter I definitely wouldn't be going out at night so much.
I don't even go to 2nd cousins weddings when I am invited. I don't have the energy or patience.

maybe this is why people are always complaining on here about expensive weddings. People in your stage of life shouldn't be invited to so many weddings, IMO, unless your DH is the mayor or president of the shul.
In my circles, none of these situations would occur because these people wouldn't be invited in the 1st place.

amother

Slategray

Wed, May 08 2024, 12:27 pm

amother Iris wrote:

Totally, totally relate! What helps me is reminding myself that no one is paying attention to me or analyzing what I am or am not doing.. besides myself.

Thing is that's not the only problem. It's also getting dressed, wearing uncomfortable shoes and sheitel and being in a noisy loud space for hours while also not being able to have a decent conversation because you can't hear anything.

Weddings should have a room on the side with couches and no loud music for the over 40s

amother

Bluebonnet

Wed, May 08 2024, 12:31 pm

essie14 wrote:

If you're invited to a wedding where you really don't know anyone else, how close are you to the families?
If you're not close, you don't have to go, or you go for 5 min to say Mazal Tov.
If it's a friend, neighbor, or relative, you should know plenty of other people.
I can only think of one wedding in my whole life that I went to where I didn't know anyone. It was my brother's very close friend, he didn't live in our city, but because of yeshiva he spent a lot of time in our home and became like family.
I never met his mom or sisters.
No one else from my family was able to go except my brother and me. It was completely separate and I had met the kallah once but none of her family or friends.
I managed to find some people to sit with.
Otherwise, I wouldn’t go to a wedding where I don't know anyone. This was a super specific occurrence.

This exactly. I actually can’t think of any wedding or event I’ve been to where I know no one!
If I did, I’d say Mazel tov and leave

Amelia Bedelia

Wed, May 08 2024, 1:07 pm

salt wrote:

At every wedding I go to there are people at the tables who are not dancing.
No one thinks twice about it. You dance if you want to.

This.
And Op, I know others have said this, but I can't relate to your issue, because I go to the meal only if I'm close enough, if it's a close friend (in which case I can sit with other friends), family (in which case I sit with other family members, or neighbors (in which case I sit with neighbors). Otherwise, I just go to say mazel tov.

amother

Linen

Wed, May 08 2024, 5:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

I can't believe I'm asking this question. But I have recently come to the realization that I have serious wedding anxiety. Interesting thing is that I'm a very sociable person and am not shy. But I just don't know what to do at a wedding. So here are a few specific questions:
1. What if you don't know any guests at the wedding? Who do you sit with? I awkwardly scan the wedding hall, and try to find acquaintances, but sometimes I can't find any, or the table is already full...
2. I don't know how to dance, but seem to be a minority. I don't like dancing with the kallah etc. in the middle, because I get self-conscious. Does everyone know how to dance? What does everyone even say when they're dancing in the middle? Also, I can't hear what the kallah/mother are saying because the music is usually too loud.
3. I bring a kid/baby along (when appropriate) because that way I could distract myself or pretend I'm busy with them. I also escape to the restroom all the time or go out to use my phone. What's there to do if you're not shmoozing? You just sit around?

I'm wondering if I'm alone in this struggle, or if anyone can relate. I don't find other simchos as difficult because they're more come-and-go and not as long.

Thank you for listening!

Thankfully not constantly invited to weddings, but happened to have 3 in the past couple months and skipped them all. And I feel badly because I like the families. But like you I have tremendous anxiety going, rarely have anyone to talk with or hang out with, don't like dancing very much, etc. And on top of it I've gained so much weight that I have nothing to wear. But even if I looked great I still would have the same issues. I spend as much time as possible in the bathroom, pretending to be busy with important texts/ emails on my phone, and meeting up with DH outside.

kermit

Wed, May 08 2024, 5:53 pm

Ha! I'm glad it's not just me. you're far from alone.

Vorts and lechaims are awful for the same reason. My dream is to come, say mazel tov and run for my life in the span of 2 minutes, but my husband is the world's best schmoozer....*sigh*

When I was younger, I spent a lot of time hiding in bathrooms and coat closets, playing on my phone. Now I'm a little bit more comfortable just people watching and chilling, esp. if I really don't know anyone. like, whatever. good food, interesting random convos to eavesdrop on, cute kids to watch spinning in circles.

at my own wedding, I refused to dance in the middle for long and kept joining the circles. I'm such a bad dancer, just no coordination, and that pressure of having to make sure you're dancing with the right people in the right order ughhhh. and then, being left alone in the middle for like that heartstopping 10 seconds until someone like runs forward to rescue you. I was just so uncomfortable and I was like, to heck with this, it's my party and I'm not being in the stupid middle. we reallyhad fun though, like I did some line dancing with my fam and friends etc, and they just went along with it and didn't force me back too often.

I still refuse refuse to dance with the kallah in center, even now, unless I must must (ex when I'm the aunt) and it's just this lopsided mess of an in-and-out and an uncomfortable twirl about.

I'm also just not the best small talker unless I feel comfortable with you-- and at weddings and bar mitzvah's the music is so LOUD so I'm sensory overloaded and just ugggggh it's hard enough concentrating and coming up with questions and responses that seem socially normal without having oompa oompas overriding the old neurorns.

The ABSOLUTE hardest weddings for me are those weird in between ones where you half-know people and it's just so so so freaking awkward. like cousins, and cousins children where I don't have a sibling to sit with and I came alone. the torture of having to try and crack my teeth talking to my aunts through all the noise, while they kvetch at me that I never call them or just turn away from me mid-convo... or some of my cousins who just look completely disinterested to schmooze with me, likely bc they have their kids to keep an eye out for but it still kind of hurts to be unreciprocated in trying to make awkward convo.

anyways, I'm on a ramble here, but yeah. you're so so not alone.

I'm trying very hard to just be comfortable with being awkward doofus, and show up because the event is not about me, it's about making the baal simcha feel loved and happy. but it's just...simchos are just so awkward uggh uggh uggh.

amother

Mintgreen

Wed, May 08 2024, 5:57 pm

amother Lavender wrote:

I’m similar, except that I don’t enjoy being social at all and have bad anxiety about socializing in general

I usually only go to relatives weddings where I know a ton of people and have siblings as “buffers”, or occasionally a friends if I know I have someone who’ll be at my side all night. Anything else I stop by to say Mazel tov for 2 minutes, if it’s local

Up until a couple years ago DH was having lots of friends weddings that he wanted me to attend with him. I tried the first time, it was a nightmare especially because they forgot to give me a place card and I had to choose a random seat, which I was then kicked out of by a distant relative who yelled at me for sitting there. I sat at a different table on the other end which turned out to be the brides immediate family, though they let me stay there but I felt so awkward!

After that whole ordeal I came up with a compromise- before the wedding I download movies on an iPad and pick up takeout and pack a cozy blanket in the car, then go with DH to the shmorg where it’s mixed and he can be next to me. Then I duck out at the chuppah to hang out in the car for a couple hours until he’s ready to go home. Actually worked really well for us, he got what he wanted and I actually appreciated having some down time on my own to just relax

Lol we used to do something similar to that when we were newly married and had lots of friends' weddings... except we're the opposite and my husband hates social events, so if I had a friend getting married, he had to drive me to the wedding because I didn't yet have a license, and then he sat in the car and learned the whole time while I was at the wedding. It's allowed!