Feeling like I can’t express myself at home

amother

Burgundy

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:48 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

If she didn't care she wouldn't be interested in what her daughter wears, most controlling parents actually do care, its not lack of caring that makes them over contrlling. Its literally the opposite extreme problem,of course both extremes being completely unhealthy.
But the way I understood OP the mother isn't saying anything outright telling her what to do but is reacting as though unsure of this all new stuff, but she knows her mother and can read her feelings.

Making your daughter feel stupid about her clothing is the opposite of caring. If you care you love your kids with your whole heart and you don’t make comments. It’s not normal to have a reaction like this when you are a grown adult who is over 40. She’s not a toddler who didn’t learn to think before she speaks. Doesn’t sound like a caring person to me.

amother

Stone

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:49 am

Chayalle wrote:

Yeah things shift, but even after 20 years of marriage my parents' home had a certain home feeling to me. I was comfortable making myself comfortable, helping myself to the fridge, etc...(and my parents wanted me to be.)
Same for my DD's. BH they get married, move on, but my home is their childhood home.

Of course I’m more than comfortable in my parents home! Of course I help myself to anything from the fridge or freezer etc.
but it’s still not my home, and the longer I’m married, the greater the shift is.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, May 07 2024, 9:02 am

amother Burgundy wrote:

There is healthy caring, very unhealthy caring (controlling) and there is in between, like I care but I'm still an imperfect human and have myself to work on still and my poker face isn't perfected yet.

Honestly look at examples of what not caring looks like, its the total opposite and the neglect that happens there is so much more damaging.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, May 07 2024, 9:14 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

I don’t agree. These messages hurt people forever. And it’s really dangerous to sell this type of control and emotional manipulation as “caring”. Her mother is caring, she is caring about herself and her own image and seeing her daughter as a piece in her life that needs to fit her specifications. She doesn’t care about her daughter. And twisting in pretzels to make it something nice about her mother is wrong on every level.

giftedmom

Tue, May 07 2024, 9:14 am

I’m like your mother in the sense that I don’t care about clothes or jewelry and have to make a concerted effort just to blend in enough with society.
I’m surprised at the part where you said you looked shlumpy because no one told you what to wear. My kids who are fashion conscious tell ME what they want/need to wear. By contrast I never did as a teen because I never was and still am not into fashion.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, May 07 2024, 9:25 am

amother Burgundy wrote:

I'm thinking about your point. I'm not sure.

If her mother literally said "and you shouldn't wear that, it's not tznius " then I'd more likely agree.

But if she is reading that herself because her mother isn't hiding her feelings well enough, the difference in dress, simplicity is so great that its completely off her mother's radar, then I think that OP can be encouraged not to care so much and should just gain confidence and give herself permission to enjoy her clothing even in her mothers home and not worry so much if its unsettling her mother, her mother will adjust and be fine, she doesn't need her moms approval to enjoy her new clothing.

amother

Burgundy

Tue, May 07 2024, 9:27 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

I'm thinking about your point. I'm not sure.

If her mother literally said "and you shouldn't wear that, it's not tznius " then I'd agree.

But if she is reading that herself because her mother isn't hiding her feelings well enough, the difference in dress, simplicity is so great that its completely off her mother's radar, then I think that OP can be encouraged not to care so much and should just gain confidence and give herself permission to enjoy her clothing even in her mothers home and not worry so much if its unsettling her mother, her mother will adjust and be fine, she doesn't need her moms approval to enjoy her new clothing.

She said it’s flashy and is that what Lakewood wears. Both really heavy nasty comments. Her mother won’t adjust she’ll likely stay this way, this is who she is. A critical and emotionally manipulative person.

amother

Cadetblue

Tue, May 07 2024, 9:37 am

amother Burgundy wrote:

I thought she said "is that what they wear in Lakewood? Its flashy"

Which can also be said incredulously if the mom is an oot simple type who knows from none of it and dresses in a dark color top and long little house on the prairie skirt 7 days a week.

Honestly, the microexpressions and tone of voice can completely change the story and we weren't there.

amother

Canary

Tue, May 07 2024, 9:44 am

amother Stone wrote:

Nope. You must still be fairly recently married
Your husband and your children are your home. Your parents are your parents. Their house is NOT your home. When your are more newlywed, it’s hard to see, but eventually you will

Nope been married quite a while. Of course my home is still my home and I wouldn’t necessarily refer to my parents home as home although it very much still feels like it when im there. My point was everyone is being really tough on up for her word choice. So ridiculous nothing wrong with her feeling her parents home is still home. It may feel like that for years to come.

amother

Cerise

Tue, May 07 2024, 9:48 am

I'm like you, OP. I'm sorry, it's really hurtful. married over a decade and mother still comments on my clothes. all. the. time.
it took me a couple of years (after marriage) to learn to shop myself, even for my children.
she still has opinions and comments on everything.
half my wardrobe I don't wear to her her house and it's not about tsnius, just style. and when she comes to my house she comments on everything she sees, boots, jackets, slippers, house clothes... it's endless and annoying and difficult and hurtful.
I didnt even realize, till this thread, that it's not normal.

I'm sorry we're going thru this.

amother

Tue, May 07 2024, 3:14 pm

Wow I feel so validated. Thanks everyone. She does happen to be a manipulative person in general and I guess it spills over into this area.

I do feel like my own home now with my husband is my home but for some reason I always end up calling her home my home also. It just comes out of my mouth that way but I should probably work on changing that.

amother

Tanzanite

Tue, May 07 2024, 4:44 pm

That's hard.
First, you have to stop calling your mom's house "my house." It isn't your house anymore. It's your mom's house, and your house is the place you share with your dh. I think this may be half your problem, that you haven't yet detached yourself from your mom and you don't yet see yourself as an adult with a life of her own. Work on that. (It's also kind of a slap in the face to your dh to call your mom's house "my house." What's he, chopped liver?)

Your mom is obviously the critical type, and maybe jealous as well. Just because she has no yetzer hara for such thngs doesn't mean she's not jealous when she sees that you have them. That's hard on you. You need to develop an elephant's skin and learn to ignore her rants. If I were in your place, I would wear my oldest shoes and clothes when visiting. It never hurts to try to blend in with your surroundings. You wear your nicer stuff among people who care about this, and less nice stuff among people who don't, whether they can afford nicer things or not.

zaq

Tue, May 07 2024, 4:47 pm

Chayalle wrote:

But you don't call it "my HOUSE." Yes, we all talk about "going home for YT" when we mean going to our parents, but we don't call it our house. Our house is where WE live.

Cheiny

Tue, May 07 2024, 4:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

I grew up in a home where my mom wore the same clothing every other day.. never bought anything for herself she did not have any desire for those kinds of things.. she never bought jewelry, had one pair of shoes. You get the picture. So I never developed my sense of style and always kind of looked shlumpy because I didn’t have anyone telling me what to wear. I got married and moved to Lakewood and my husband bought me tons of new clothing because he appreciates this stuff and saw his mom dressing up and wanted me to look the same. Now I look much better and feel much better about myself, having discovered my sense of style. But every time I come back home I feel so uncomfortable to go back to my house. My mother makes comments at me all the time like “is that what people in lakewood wear? It’s very flashy” and I feel like my new clothing is making a stilt in our relationship. I know she’s hurt that he bought me all this clothing and it makes me happy and that she didn’t but I don’t know why else I get so uncomfortable when I get home every time. Like I don’t want to get dressed in my house. She makes me feel like I’m doing the wrong thing for wanting to dress nice. She’s very spiritual and is very unmaterialstic. I always leave her house wanting to throw out all my clothes. Anyways I don’t know if that made sense and don’t even know why I’m posting this but I’m just hurt every time I see her starring at my clothing with that sad face. I just wanted to vent. Ok done.

It sounds like you’re trying very hard to win your Mom’s approval, maybe even subconsciously. Did she make you feel good about yourself when you were growing up, ie give you praise, tell you she loves you, etc.?

amother

Whitewash

Tue, May 07 2024, 4:59 pm

zaq wrote:

But you don't call it "my HOUSE." Yes, we all talk about "going home for YT" when we mean going to our parents, but we don't call it our house. Our house is where WE live.

No. If I go to my parents I say ‘I’m going to my parents (house) for YT” If I stay home I say ‘I’ll be home for YT”