Encouraging dd to work.

amother

Mon, May 06 2024, 7:32 pm

There is a friend of mine who really needs my teenage dd to help her at home with light cooking and the kids maybe once a week. My dd doesn't want to. She doesn't listen to me and does whatever she wants. How do I explain to her that this is something Hashem wants from her. I'm afraid my dd will threaten to run away if I make any demands on her.

Cookin4days

Mon, May 06 2024, 7:37 pm

Huh??
Hashem told you he wants your daughter to help your friend … you can’t force her to work you can tell her she needs to pay for certain stuff on her own but no way can you demand she takes a job with your friend

ra_mom

Mon, May 06 2024, 7:38 pm

I'm really sorry for your friend. She sounds like she can really use the help.
But your dd is not the right candidate. If one doesn't want the job, they don't have to accept the offer after an interview (or just because they heard about it).
Hopefully your daughter will learn to develop herself from other things BE"H. Whatever it is, it should be something she wants to do to.
Best of luck!

amother

Moonstone

Mon, May 06 2024, 7:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

She'll threaten to run away cuz u ask her to help a friend??

kenz

Mon, May 06 2024, 7:51 pm

amother Moonstone wrote:

She'll threaten to run away cuz u ask her to help a friend??

I imagine there are other factors at play here we’re unaware of…

AlwaysCleaning

Mon, May 06 2024, 8:19 pm

Sounds like you volun-told her.

Sorry op, I know it's something you really want and wish your daughter would eagerly agree to help. But in the future, you should check with her before offering. Start by asking her to help around your house. Or ask your friend if she'd pay her?

amother

Chicory

Mon, May 06 2024, 8:38 pm

Sounds great that you want to do a chesed to help this friend out, but it is not a chesed to make your daughter do something she has no desire or requirement to do. If you are worried that she will runaway, then you have more of a problem then you realize. If you have a local high school for girls who need chesed hours, then maybe call the HS and ask and be specific in what is required of the volunteer. Though it is the end of the school year and most children are on spring fever mode and are done.

amother

Feverfew

Mon, May 06 2024, 10:09 pm

It's one thing to need help at home. It's another to demand help at someone else's house.
If you need your DD to work to pay for extras etc., then phrase as an opportunity to make that extra cash. If it's to force a chesed on her? You are 100% wrong.

amother

NeonPink

Mon, May 06 2024, 10:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

Your friend may need help, but she doesn't need your daughter. She can find someone else.
How do you know that this is what hashem wants from your daughter? I hope this is not a pattern for you, talking to your children this way to get them to do things.
There are obviously bigger issues at play if you think your daughter will run away if you "make demands" of her. You're not supposed to make demands of your children ever! I hope she doesn't feel fed up and has had enough of your demands, that she feels like she wants to run away.
Maybe you'd benefit from some parenting guidance from professionals.

amother

Jade

Mon, May 06 2024, 10:48 pm

OP, that's lovely that you want to help your friend, and that you want to educate your daughter to help others.

Can I suggest a different way to go about it that has greater chance of success?

You mentioned that your friend needs light cooking and childcare a few days a week. Why don't you send over meals, and have her kids over at your house every afternoon to give her a break?

This way your friend gets the help she needs, and your daughter receives the best possible education in chesed: Seeing her mother do so practically. She many not emulate you instantly, but over time she is likely to want to do good things just like you.

amother

Mayflower

Tue, May 07 2024, 2:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

This sounds like religious manipulation.... why does your daughter HAVE to help your friend? You can go over and help her if you want.

InnerPrincess

Tue, May 07 2024, 3:28 pm

I gotta disagree with you, OP.

Children should not be pressured to work or volunteer.

If you were talking about her helping you, and that you needed her to help give the kids baths on erev Shabbos, or clean up the playroom once in a while, that would be another discussion. This, however, is a clear no. Since you're asking for opinions, I believe that you can ask her once or twice, and tell her it would be a big mitzva if she feels like she could do it and if she's okay with it, but if she says no, you absolutely should not push it.

Hashem will send your friend another shaliach.

amother

Whitewash

Tue, May 07 2024, 3:59 pm

My kids babysit cause they need $, cause that's how we brought them up, we pay for their needs but they need to earn for luxuries. If she doesn't want to help you definitely shouldn't force her - btw is your friend offering to pay her? Or are you offering to pay her?

mha3484

Tue, May 07 2024, 4:04 pm

I think for our kids chinuch, its good for them work in an age appropriate way. This specific job may not be for her but maybe she has other interests you can explore. I babysat and then worked as a teacher asst in our shul religious school on Sundays. My sister was a life guard at the jcc and some parents liked her so much they hired her to teach swimming.

My aunt has a lot of money like name on building in half my town kind of money, she made her kids get jobs every summer that they were too old for camp and honestly her kids are pretty normal down to earth people. Its not about money because they don't need any but its good for your personal development.

zaq

Tue, May 07 2024, 4:53 pm

As my dad used to say, don't be a tzaddik on someone else's cheshbon. YOU want to do this woman a chessed, then help her out yourself or refer her to an entity that can provide. No fair volunteering someone else. Forcing your dd to do this is no way to foster a love of chessed on her part. In fact, it's a great way to make her run as fast as possible in the opposite direction. If she's done something wrong and you're instituting "community service" as atonement, you need to find something else for her to do--in your own house if need be. You wouldn't be doing this woman any favors sending her a sullen, resentful teenager to "help."

Just curious how you know that Hashem wants your dd davka to work for this woman? I don't trust anyone who claims to know what Hashem wants. The age of prophecy is long over.

zaq

Tue, May 07 2024, 4:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

It doesn't sound to me as if you're encouraging anything--it sounds as if you're trying to force her.