Child very not open in sharing

amother

Mon, May 06 2024, 7:21 am

I'm currently raising a non biological teen. She's been in my house for several years and is still very very closed. She doesn't share any of her feelings ever. Whenever I try opening a conversation it's always yes and no answers. I always feel so bad her her as she doesn't let herself get integrated as a regular child. It still always feel lime She's an outsider.
Another thing, being that she's like that it's hard to giver her any physical love. And I feel so bad about it.
Any advice?

amother

Orange

Mon, May 06 2024, 9:14 am

I think that you should just shower her with love other ways. Buy her special things, take her to places etc. Treat her like everyone else.
Many times the effects of this come out years later and she will be very appreciative. Not sharing doesn't mean that you are not having a positive effect on her.
Maybe she just can't share at this time.
Fyi, my biological child doesn't share much either. Of course we try to open them up but some people are just more closed.

mummiedearest

Mon, May 06 2024, 9:30 am

I’m guessing that you didn’t have her since birth. This kind of behavior can be a learned coping skill, often at a very young age. Does she allow you to hug her? If she does, keep doing it, even if it’s at scheduled times. Will she sit next to you on the couch with a shared blanket, a mug of cocoa and a book? Maybe a book you’re reading out loud together? Separate blankets, same scenario? Do what you can to keep showing genuine affection. A special hug after candle lighting, a kiss on the cheek when she leaves to school, etc. Make sure to tell her when you are proud of her and why. If you can talk more openly with her, tell her that you know she likes her privacy and remind her that you will be there for her when she needs a listening ear. She may surprise you one day by taking you up on it. Meanwhile, Is she helpful around the house? Does she show you her accomplishments? Ask your opinion on simple things like shoe choice? Those are gestures of love and trust. If she does small things like that, try to view them as hugs. It might help you.

amother

Mon, May 06 2024, 11:14 am

I don't have her from birth. From pre preteen. She isn't comfortable me hugging her nor sitting too close to her. The only physical contact we have is a kiss after lighting candles. I always feel bad for her that she doesn't get more.

mummiedearest

Mon, May 06 2024, 12:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

Sounds like she’s not open to more. You may want to sit down with her and let her know that you respect her need for space, but you want to let her know that she can come to you for a hug anytime she wants. She probably won’t anyway, and that may be a fear/shame thing. Let her know that you are not upset if she doesn’t want it. And if you’re not doing this already, take her out for one on one time regularly.

amother

Natural

Mon, May 06 2024, 12:18 pm

Lots of words of affirmation with specifics. Praise her. Focus on her strengths. Small gifts and acts of service.

I was in the supermarket and I saw they had your favorite chocolate. I got one for you. Where do you want me to put it special for you. You do makeup so beautifully, can you help me with my eyes makeup for the wedding I have tonight. I’m so impressed by how dedicated and focused you are when you study chemistry. I wish I had the comprehension and focus that you have.

What is her love language? I hate when people here complain that others are not meeting their needs in their language. I think the purpose of identifying someone else’s is to determine their needs so you can meet them, or maturity see the beauty of their efforts for you (not make demands of others).

amother

Cadetblue

Mon, May 06 2024, 1:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

She may simply not like touching. I always did my best to avoid hugs and kisses from my parents, and was relieved when they stopped trying. It was easier to have a relationship when I wasn't constantly on guard against being touched.

Part of this is just normal teenage behaviour. Some teenagers want to talk about everything, some become very closed. You don't say if you have your own children or what ages, but she's got a different personality and background. Don't try to make her fit too closely.