Gentle parenting success

amother

Thu, May 02 2024, 9:29 am

amother Slategray wrote:

BH. It was so hard fee yuntif for me- my MIL keeps telling us we have bad parenting skills. Says my toddler is super spoiled. “Leave her with me for a week and you’ll see what happens”. (Never would dw). In my house you need to follow my rules etc etc. Bh we don’t live close to them so once a year we need to deal.
Had you ever had to deal with these kinds of comments and what do you respond?

Yup my mil once potched my kid because she couldn't handle it that I wasn't going to do anything about it and then she yelled at me. I had a lot of things to say but I kept my mouth shut.

amother

Firethorn

Thu, May 02 2024, 10:51 am

amother OP wrote:

Yup my mil once potched my kid because she couldn't handle it that I wasn't going to do anything about it and then she yelled at me. I had a lot of things to say but I kept my mouth shut.

Your problem is in the answer that you gave now.
If you feel that gentle parenting is a thing, why do you look at it that you are not doing anything? Officially you are actively not responding. That is not the same as not doing anything. So it seems you agree with your mil about this.

My issue is that some people feel free to let their kids destroy other children or other peoples property all in the name of gentle parenting. That is not ok. A child must be firmly reprimanded at times so that he knows the severity of the situation. Not all is equal and good.

amother

Peru

Thu, May 02 2024, 10:58 am

amother OP wrote:

Of course and iyh Hashem will give me the koach to deal with it as it comes but one of my kids is a very anxious child and one is a very energetic child. They're both completely different personalities and bh both well behaved I believe because of gentle parenting

OP - I am happy for you that you have wonderful children

but honestly to me.. anyone who is so smug and confident in their amazing, expert parenting skills.. its a red flag.

Hashem should bless you with continued success.

amother

Azalea

Thu, May 02 2024, 11:00 am

amother OP wrote:

Yup my mil once potched my kid because she couldn't handle it that I wasn't going to do anything about it and then she yelled at me. I had a lot of things to say but I kept my mouth shut.

"Not doing anything about it", is not gentle parenting. That is permissive parenting or no parenting, and that's not good for the children in the long run.
Did you do research on gentle parenting, or are getting guidance? Or are you doing what you think is gentle parenting?

amother

Thu, May 02 2024, 11:07 am

amother Azalea wrote:

"Not doing anything about it", is not gentle parenting. That is permissive parenting or no parenting, and that's not good for the children in the long run.

I wasnt clear. He was 2 years and sitting on my baby. I would tell him he cant but nothing helped. I knew its age appropriate and with time he stopped

Of course I usually do something about it if and when they misbehave but I use a lot of validating, active listening, understanding, connection...

I wouldnt right away yell and punish go on how upset I am they did that. I make sure to listen to their side of the story because theres always a reason why kids act a certain way

amother

Thu, May 02 2024, 11:09 am

amother Peru wrote:

a red fag? Im not sure what you mean
I am NOT confident in my parenting but when I heard over YT from several people how well behaved my kids are it gave me a huge boost to continue

amother

Ruby

Thu, May 02 2024, 11:13 am

I'll just add to the crowd of I too thought I had it figured out when my oldest was 5. Not so simple as they get older. And I wouldn't say I find my now-teen particularly challenging. Bh he's a good kid, genuinely wants to do the right thing and usually tries his best, we have lots of great, open communication, but he can also be very frustrating sometimes (and those times it's all normal, expected, run-of-mill teen stuff, nothing requiring professional intervention or anything like that) and still, all I can say is stuff I once was so sure about...not anymore.

amother

Broom

Thu, May 02 2024, 11:16 am

amother Peru wrote:

Stop being mean. Many people are interested in gentle parenting and this thread is for them.

You don't like it, fine. But to come on here and call OP 'smug', talk about red flags etc?? What's wrong with you?

mha3484

Thu, May 02 2024, 11:17 am

I have difficult children who don't respond well to your standard reward/punishment style of parenting. I use some ideas from gentle parenting and a lot from the explosive child and have a good system that works for us. K"AH my kids are well behaved and well liked. But its really easy to veer into permissive parenting which is why I cant fully get on board with it. I'm just hitting the teen years and so far so good but I knew nothing when my oldest was 5 only that what I was trying wasn't working. But I have learned a lot since then.

amother

Firethorn

Thu, May 02 2024, 11:21 am

amother OP wrote:

You were supposed to remove the 2 year old in this case, not do nothing

amother

Azalea

Thu, May 02 2024, 11:25 am

amother OP wrote:

You are supposed to remove your child from the baby right away! Not do nothing and allow it to stop with time!! This is NOT gentle parenting. This is NO parenting while allowing your baby to get hurt in the process.
You remove your child from the baby, and gently but firmly say "we don't sit on the baby." Rinse and repeat. But definitely don't allow him to sit on the baby till he decides to get up on his own! That is not gentle parenting and not okay.

AlwaysGrateful

Thu, May 02 2024, 11:30 am

Am I the only one who feels a really strong need to react to the post about the child hitting the cleaning lady and the cleaning lady's child? I'm sorry, I'm not saying that the child needs someone to scream at them, but the first time that there was any contact, that child should have been immediately moved away and the parent should have apologized. And yes, it is a chillul Hashem. But I don't care if it was a cleaning lady or a neighbor or whatever. You cannot let your child actively harm someone else and ignore it. That's bad parenting, even if you slap the label "gentle parenting" on it.

And yes, I tend away from punishments in general, although I won't say I haven't used them in specific situations where I felt they were warranted. I think that there are many aspects of gentle parenting, such as trying to see the situation through the child's eyes, teaching skills, not responding to every minor misbehavior, etc. as very helpful. But keep in mind that every child and every situation is different, and there are times that it might be helpful to borrow from a different parenting philosophy, even if you generally tend towards "gentle parenting." If the situation is hurting someone else, intentionally ignoring the behavior is just not the right tool to use.

And I've had hard kids and easy kids, hard phases and easy phases. Enjoy this one, but don't get too smug. You control how YOU act. Hashem controls how the kids respond. BH right now he gave you a gift of well-behaved kids. If you take all of the credit right now, it will make things a lot harder when you have a kid who is going through a challenging phase and is not behaving well...

amother

Slategray

Thu, May 02 2024, 11:34 am

AlwaysGrateful wrote:

The child is under 3. I did have them say “sorry” (even though children dont really understand what it means if it was forced). It wasn’t physically harming them that’s why I put hitting in quotes! But mil took it as hitting. It wasn’t. She was being playful with them.